It's Nothing really

[anonymous]

Earlier this evening I had settled in for the night. National Public Radio was playing their weekly broadcast of Rwandan folk songs and the TV was tuned to "Lock-up Extended Stay" with the sound muted. I was lying on the couch with my laptop and was in the middle of perusing a heart warming exchange of posts between Adak, henry quirk, and tw over in the Politics Forum when suddenly my phone rang. I was tempted not to answer, figuring it was a pre-recorded message from the Republican Party asking me to add my name to the other signatories on my state’s secession petition. However some inner voice (or maybe it was just bad Karma) prompted me to reach over and grab the phone.

To my great surprise, it was Lola Bunny on the other end of the line.

“What’s up, Lola?” I asked.

“Well, I have this problem,” she said. It’s probably Nothing, really, but I’d still like someone to come over to my place and look at what’s going on. I don’t know if I should do anything about it or not, and if I tell you over the phone, you’ll never believe me. You gotta see this for yourself.”

With some difficulty I pulled my attention away from the broadcast image of a man covered with tattoos silently enduring what appeared to be a beating by three correctional officers – all female.

“Why are you calling ME about this?” I whined.

Lola couldn’t quite keep the annoyance out her voice as she explained, “Well, I already tried all the cool people in the Cellar like Foot and Clodfobble and Griff and Big V and Infinite Monkey and Ibby and orthodoc and gravdigr and JBKlyde and…”

“Ok, Ok,” I interrupted her. “I get the picture”

“And no one was answering their phone, so you’re the only one left and you HAVE to come over and see this,” Lola finished.

On the TV a line of young black prisoners lay on the floor bound together with some kind of white tape. They didn’t look pleased.

I sighed and told Lola that I was on the way. She was still thanking me profusely as I hung up the phone.

Thanks to the wonders of cyber travel, it didn’t take me long at all to arrive at Lola’s place. She was waiting right at the door. Silently she led me through her house and out the door that opened to her backyard. Which was completely taken up by a huge Olympic sized swimming pool filled with turquoise colored water. The sole occupant of the pool was Richard Parker who was doing lazy laps back and forth and showing no sign that he intended to get out any time soon.


“I didn’t know you had a pool, Lola,” I said brightly. “And such a big one, too. You can go swimming whenever you like. How cool is that?”

“Not very,” Lola replied crossly. I DON’T have a pool. Or at least I didn’t until I got home from work tonight. I almost fell into it when I went out to the backyard to empty the trash in the dumpster that USED to be back here.”

I watched Richard Parker for a while. “Was HE in there too when you got home?”

Lola nodded silently. I imagined her and Richard Parker practicing their synchronized swim moves together and a shudder ran down my spine. Where the heck was monster when you needed her?

“Have you tried convincing him to leave?” I asked.

Lola glared at me. “YOU try convincing him to leave!”

Good point.

I had a sudden moment of inspiration.

“Sarge! This is a job for Sarge! All Sarge would need to do is look at him, and Richard Parker would climb out of that pool and slink back off to where ever he came from. And if he didn’t – well, let’s just say that I hear that Sarge has a pretty mean aim with an AK47!”

Lola shook her head. “Sarge is the first one I thought of. He’s not answering his phone, either.”

Curses! Foiled again!

So, I’m sitting at Lola’s computer and posting this in Nothingland. After all, it’s Nothing really.

[Nirvana]

I am so uncool I have no clue who Richard Parker is... un>

[anonymous]

If you're a movie fan, you'll know pretty soon. Meanwhile, you have to have read the book.

Cryptic hint no. 3.14159 ~ - Pi

[Nirvana]

Spiderman's brother?

[anonymous]

Nope.

Hint no. 11 - Biography

[DanaC]

Pi!!! How could I have forgotten that?

[Griff]

This thread is .... something.

[Sundae]

Sorry to piggyback on your story, Anon. And I honestly hope you can give Lola some help.
Sadly I wasn't much help to CzinZumerzet.

She called me from Weston-Super-Mare one sunny morning. You may have heard of it - John Cleese couldn't wait to get out of it, Jeffrey Archer lied about it (probably) and even the eternal optimist Bill Bryson shunned it (albeit on a rainy Tuesday afternoon).

Now I know America has far vaster vistas than the good old U to the K, but frankly I am made lazy by them and refused to travel 120 miles for an unknown problem. In fact when I found out what the problem was, I also declined to travel, having no car, no money for the train and also being half-lit - it being 10.30 already.

Richard Parker was in her new bath in her new en-suite bathroom. A bathroom that had not existed before CZ had come staggering home that morning in someone else's underwear. All I could advise was that she fed him some chum in the hopes it would attract a shark to finish him off.

Apparently she did follow my off the cuff advice. Sadly the weight of the water, Parker and the shark together overloaded the fragile structure which had not been build on sound weight-bearing principles and the en-suite collapsed onto the kitchen of the B&B next door, deluging them with chum, severed limbs and a thrashing member of the Lamnidae family. They sued.

So yeah - haven't heard from CZ since.

Warning, people: in Richard Parker attacks, the cure can be deadlier than the disease. Also never take any advice from me - however well meant - once the sun is over the yard arm. Oh, I mean the horizon. Somewhere in the world.

[infinite monkey]

The moment in that book when i realized who richard parker was...amazing. i still rememberit.

I hope the spoiler isn't already common knowledge...for the sake of those who didn't read it but plan to see the movie.

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by Nirvana

I am so uncool I have no clue who Richard Parker is... un>

Originally Posted by Nirvana

Spiderman's brother?

Richard Parker (as referenced by yerself) isn't Spidey's bro, it's his dad.

Peter Parker - one who parks peters
Dick Parker - one who parks dicks



I swear I'd change my name.

[SamIam]

I loved that book - Life of Pi! I read it twice. I can't imagine how it will fare as a movie, though. But I hear it's got lots of special effects, and it's in 3D.

If anyone is planning to see the movie and hasn't read the book, try to refrain from Googling "Richard Parker." But even if you do, there's lots more to the story even after his idenity is revealed.

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by anonymous

“Well, I already tried all the cool people in the Cellar like Foot and Clodfobble and Griff and Big V and Infinite Monkey and Ibby and orthodoc and gravdigr and JBKlyde and…”

Anon was obviously drinking...they've went and lumped me in with the cool kids...























...HOLY SHIT I'M FINALLY COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Crimson Ghost]

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

Anon was obviously drinking...they've went and lumped me in with the cool kids...























...HOLY SHIT I'M FINALLY COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everybody dances with the Grim Reaper.

[anonymous]

Originally Posted by Sundae

Sorry to piggyback on your story, Anon. And I honestly hope you can give Lola some help.
Sadly I wasn't much help to CzinZumerzet.

She called me from Weston-Super-Mare one sunny morning. You may have heard of it - John Cleese couldn't wait to get out of it, Jeffrey Archer lied about it (probably) and even the eternal optimist Bill Bryson shunned it (albeit on a rainy Tuesday afternoon).

Now I know America has far vaster vistas than the good old U to the K, but frankly I am made lazy by them and refused to travel 120 miles for an unknown problem. In fact when I found out what the problem was, I also declined to travel, having no car, no money for the train and also being half-lit - it being 10.30 already.

Richard Parker was in her new bath in her new en-suite bathroom. A bathroom that had not existed before CZ had come staggering home that morning in someone else's underwear. All I could advise was that she fed him some chum in the hopes it would attract a shark to finish him off.

Apparently she did follow my off the cuff advice. Sadly the weight of the water, Parker and the shark together overloaded the fragile structure which had not been build on sound weight-bearing principles and the en-suite collapsed onto the kitchen of the B&B next door, deluging them with chum, severed limbs and a thrashing member of the Lamnidae family. They sued.

So yeah - haven't heard from CZ since.

Warning, people: in Richard Parker attacks, the cure can be deadlier than the disease. Also never take any advice from me - however well meant - once the sun is over the yard arm. Oh, I mean the horizon. Somewhere in the world.

Thank you for posting about your own experience with Richard Parker, Sundae. I don't see what good you could have done by going to CZ's place in person. You were wise to steer clear. I wish I had.

Richard Parker spent much of today sunning himself by Lola Bunny's new pool. Her neighbors complained to her landlord, and now he is demanding that Lola pay a $1,000.00 pet deposit on him! We are going to buy a large crate and spread the bottom it with a generous layer of catnip in the hope this will lure R.P. inside and we can slam the door to the crate shut after him.

Arrangements have been already made to ship him off to Glatt who has agreed to let him loose on the floor of the House of Representatives during the Fiscal Cliff Debate. Wish us luck!

[Lola Bunny]

Well, I am certainly in a predicament, aren't I? I am really glad Anon is to my rescue.