Humor...I Need Humor...

[Shattered Soul]

Rome- An Italian physics student, Lino Missio, has invented
a condom that plays Brahms' Lullaby if it breaks during a
roll in the hay. If the condom ruptures, an
electrical impulse is created, triggering the musical
performance.

I'm not sure if that's scary or not.

[Torrere]

In Heaven:
the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and the bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally posted by funkykule
my apologies!

Don't apologize. It's a joke thread, not a current events class.

[funkykule]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic.
So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The
trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten
days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and
beer. "Ok Les give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it," says
Les. "I thought you packed it." Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan,
"Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles
from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go
back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the
sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives
that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and
he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is
a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a
promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich
each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind
a rock and shouts........ ...............


"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

(p.s. thanx bruce )

[funkykule]

Originally posted by Shattered Soul




Am I the only one who thinks that's "Dude, Where's My Car" funny?

um....yes

[jinx]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when
one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't
know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've
been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast
into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into
the house, I sneak up the Stairs, I get undressed in
the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're
obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into
the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw
my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the
ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!" and she acts like
she's sound asleep.




A PRAYER....



Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.



AMEN

[SteveDallas]

YIKES!!! Is there something you've done lately you need to get off your chest, lumberjim?

[xoxoxoBruce]

Can't be. Must be humor because Jinx is too smart, to warn him in advance, of a whoopass coming.

[lumberjim]

Originally posted by xoxoxoBruce
Can't be. Must be humor because Jinx is too smart, to warn him in advance, of a whoopass coming.

no wonder you score a 140 on the iq test, bruce.

yeah, if i did something that provoked physical revenge, not only would i not see it coming, but she'd make sure i was naked when it happened so that it hurt twice as bad.

[Pi]

Freud

A fellow goes to the train station and wants to buy a ticket to pittsburg but upon looking over the counter he sees a beautiful girl with huge tits and instead he says "I'd like a ticket to TITSberg". Upon saying this he becomes embarrassed and goes red.

A fellow standing along side starts to console him

He says "Its all right - I'm a psychologist and what has happened here is perfectly natural - Its what they call a Freudian slip - Freud postulates that we think about sex a thousand times a day and when we see it in front of us, sometimes we make these small slips of the tongue - here - I will give you an example - The other day I was sitting on my porch having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say to her 'Excuse me dear, can you pass the sugar over here please' but when I looked at my wife I opened my mouth and said 'You fat ugly slut, you've ruined my fucking life'."

[Shattered Soul]

A woman standing in the check out line at the grocery store places


a half-gallon of 2% milk,


a dozen eggs,


a quart of orange juice,


a head of romaine lettuce,


a 2 lb. can of coffee,


and a 1 lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.


She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[xoxoxoBruce]

Out in the Wild West, Jesse James's gang forces a train to stop, and Jesse climbs on board. He bursts into a passenger car, pulls out his guns, and fires. Blam! Blam! "All right!" he yells. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the woman!"
A guy in the front row says, "Uh, Mr. James, I think you've got it backwards."
Suddenly a high-pitched man's voice in the back calls out, "Excuse me, but Mr. James is robbing the train!"

[novice]

An intrepid explorer is captured by a tribe of Congo headhunters. Their chief declares, "I will allow you to go free if you pass three tests.
"Fair enough" says the bloke.
'First" says the Chief, "you must drink a skin of jungle whiskey, then you must pull the rotten tooth from my pet tiger and finally, if you still live, you must deflower my daughter."
The bloke looks at the tiger and decides it looks placid enough, he feels like a drink and sex is always welcome so he agrees to the test.
He gets comfortable on the ground and slowly but surely consumes the entire skin of whiskey. He gets unsteadily to his feet and with a glazed expression bursts into the hut reserved for the dental work.
There's much roaring and grunting, crashing and cursing but finally loud purring can be heard. The bloke emerges triumphantly from the hut, glares defiantly at the tribesman and says," Right, wheresh thish bish with the shore tooth."

[xoxoxoBruce]

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," answered the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."

[Radar]

HERE is a little gem I cam across recently and wanted to share with my fellow cellar dwellers.