Humor...I Need Humor...

[HungLikeJesus]

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"

[jester]

[Razzmatazz13]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are
in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to
Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and
I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce,
you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think
about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both
fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5
bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that
should do us just fine."
By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought
into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce
won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you
do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

[classicman]

.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

[TerryinDTW]

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon ! All he
wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece
when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you
live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $10,000 a
week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all
that away for 45 cents!

[classicman]

Here are a couple for ya....................

[BigV]

What do you find inside a clean nose?



































Fingerprints!

[xoxoxoBruce]

For anyone who has commuted on I-95 anywhere between Philadelphia and the Maryland line has to go by a special issue Driver's handbook which was written to include the following guidance:

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident I-95 driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive onto I-95 from the on ramp, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.

4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop to enter I-95. No-one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. With no fault insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. I-95 between Philadelphia and the Maryland line is the home of high-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Pennsylvania & Delaware Departments of Transportation, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition along that corridor to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move over within three milliseconds of passing another car.

13. When passing someone who is driving the speed limit, it is required that you show him your middle finger.

14. Never blow your horn at a driver who is using a cell phone, it may interrupt the conversation.

[Crimson Ghost]

Originally Posted by Cloud

I loved the Christmas Party Announcement, Crimson Ghost, thanks!

Thanks, Cloud.

Sorry I didn't reply sooner.
I forgot to check the thread.

[Crimson Ghost]

EATING TIPS FOR THE HOLIDAYS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy is not a stand-alone item. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's Eve. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat -- have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, food in hand, drink in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "HOT DAMN! What a ride!"

Merry Christmas !!!

[TheMercenary]

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my beer.

She's such a bitch.....

[Griff]

LOL! Hey wait, that kinda stings.

[glatt]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

For anyone who has commuted on I-95 anywhere between Philadelphia and the Maryland line has to go by a special issue Driver's handbook which was written to include the following guidance:
....

3. The faster you drive onto I-95 from the on ramp, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.

4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop to enter I-95. No-one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

These two are out of character with the rest of the 'rules', because they are actually good safety tips. The rest of them are examples of poor, but common driving habits.

[xoxoxoBruce]

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, Corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....


"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."