Humor...I Need Humor...

[classicman]

.

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by Crimson Ghost

EATING TIPS FOR THE HOLIDAYS
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly...It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas.

Wholly endorse this. Same with liquers - which only rich people have all year round (trailer park trash like me down them in one session)

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.

I live life by this rule. Also it has no calories if uyou haven't ordered it/ paid for it. And in the case of a friendly not-quite-empty in a pub it doesn't count as alcohol either.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like Stilton [amended, who the fuck wants cookies when there's good cheese around?], position yourself near them and don't budge.

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards.

And it's topped with marzipan. Which was the invention of the devil. Check serial killers' preferences through the ages, when asked if they liked marzipan an incredible 98% said yes.

[monster]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

And it's topped with marzipan. Which was the invention of the devil. Check serial killers' preferences through the ages, when asked if they liked marzipan an incredible 98% said yes.

Ah fruitcake, another great US/UK divide.

US and UK fruitcake have astoundingly little in common.

Yanks are usually rather surprised to find that Brit wedding cake is traditionally fruit cake and most people stick with tradition. Christmas cake is also fruitcake. Yanks wouldn't like it either, but it's nothing like the stuff it is US holiday tradition to hate. Which is basically sponge with lots of horribly coloured candied peel. I'll pass on both and just grab another beer, thanks.

Is anyone not confused yet?

[busterb]

I like fruitcake, made by mom. Also liked the ones in little cans from c-rations.
I get one each year from Collinstreetbakery and buy a jug of whiskey to flavor it Has never happen, yet

[Urbane Guerrilla]

Fruitcake batter doesn't come off as spongecake though -- eggy yes, spongecake no. It's denser. Fruitcake should be well soused with a suitable rum or brandy. Cognac would be showing off; Armagnac maybe not, though perhaps there's room for argument either way. A fruitcake that has just enough batter to hold the candied fruit together, is well soused, and then sliced thin enough to pass light -- well, there you have stained-glass fruitcake, and it's a little slice of heaven.

Don't take shortcuts with the production. It's not like you can hurry it along anyway. So use the properly retentive wrappings, the cheesecloth, all of that. Fruitcake is all about the method, and every nuance counts in the finished product.

[classicman]

This ones for LJ.

[TheMercenary]

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two

dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him

and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion

allowed per passenger.'



2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One

turns to the other and says 'Dam!'



3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were

chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again

that you can't have your kayak and heat it

too.



4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've

lost my Electron.' The other says 'Are you

sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm

positive.'



5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who

refused Novocain during a root canal? His

goal: transcend dental medication.



6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into

a hotel and were standing in the lobby

discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of

the office and asked them to disperse. 'But

why?', they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said,' I can't stand chess-nuts

boasting in an open foyer.'



7. A woman has twins and gives them up for

adoption. One of them goes to Spain , they

name him 'Juan'; the other went to a family

in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' Years later,

Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth

mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells

her husband that she wishes she also had a

picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,

'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've

seen Ahmal.'



8. A group of friars were behind on their

belfry payments, so they opened up a small

florist shop to raise funds Since everyone

liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a

rival florist across town thought the

competition was unfair. He asked the good

fathers to close down, but they would not. He

went back and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired

Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most

vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to

close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed

their store, saying he'd be back if they

didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,

thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent

florist friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked

barefoot most of the time, which produced an

impressive set of calluses on his feet. He

also ate very little, which made him rather

frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered

from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this

is so bad, it's good) a super calloused

fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



10. And finally, there was the person who

posted ten different puns on a message board, with the

hope that at least one of the puns would make

people laugh. No pun in ten did.

[JuancoRocks]

^^^My Pun Meter is pegged for sure!^^^

[classicman]

@ Merc - Bravo - very good

[BrianR]

Survivor, Texas Style


Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor - Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read, "I'm gay", "I'm a vegetarian", "I voted for Al Gore", "George Strait Sucks", "Hillary in 2008", and "I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

[Urbane Guerrilla]

With a spinoff about all those Texans who think the show has now gone comedy. C'mon -- they were all laughing too hard to shoot straight... and some funny things happened then... somebody go put a finger in the reservoir dam, doggone it... Holland ain't the only place you can save.

[xoxoxoBruce]

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

[xoxoxoBruce]

"I think that the free-enterprise system is absolutely too important to be left to the voluntary action of the marketplace." - Rep. Richard Kelly (R-Fla.)

"If a frog had wings, he wouldn’t hit his tail on the ground." - George Bush, on unemployment benefits

"I make my decisions horizontally, not vertically." - Sen. Bob Kerry (D-Neb.)

"I hope that history will present me with maybe two words. One is peace. The other is human rights." - Jimmy Carter

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it’s only the people who make them unsafe." - Frank Rizzo, mayor of Philadelphia

"If we don’t watch our respective tails, the people are going to be running the government." - State Sen. Bill Craven (R-Ca.), on state initiatives

"Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it has gotten into the wrong hands." - Sen. Jesse Helms

"I don’t see why the legislature should be in the business of artificial intelligence, real intelligence or any intelligence at all." - Rep. Hunt Downer (D-La.)

"A zebra cannot change its spots." - Al Gore

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" - George W. Bush

"We, as Republicans, need to start rowing with one oar." - Rep. John Kasich (R-Ohio)

"I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, former New York mayor

"I don’t have the brains for business. I want to go into politics." - Mao Xinyou, grandson of Mao Zedong

"I’m not indecisive. Am I indecisive?" - Jim Scheibel, mayor of St. Paul, Minn.

"If BS was a dollar a pound, we would have paid off the deficit at about noon." - Rep. Jim Ross Lightfoot (R-Iowa)

"Congressmen are so damn dumb they could throw themselves on the ground and miss." - Rep. James Traficant, Jr. (D-Ohio)

"I think that’s self-evident, but not true." - Bill Clinton

"It’s hard for somebody to hit you when you’ve got your fist in their face." - James Carville, on negative campaigning

"What’s the difference between a politician and a catfish? One is a wide-mouthed, bottom-feeding, slime sucker - and the other is a fish." - Preston Manning, Reform Party leader

"I’m a politician, and as a politician I have the prerogative to lie whenever I want." - Charles Peacock, ex-director of the Madison Guaranty S&L

"Look, I’m trying to run for president! I can’t sit here and debate free trade versus fair trade!" - Pat Robertson

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather." - Marion Barry, former mayor of Wash., D.C.

"The senator has got to understand - he can’t have it both ways. He can’t take the high horse and then claim the low road." - George W. Bush, referring to John McCain

"I’m glad I’m not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin, you never know if someone’s tape-recording what you say." - Richard Nixon

[xoxoxoBruce]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.



The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.



The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming , would run for cover.



But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of the old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.



The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.



Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.



VOTE CAREFULLY. . . the bells are not always audible . . . . . .

[Clodfobble]

"If a frog had wings, he wouldn’t hit his tail on the ground." - George Bush, on unemployment benefits

Down south, "tail" is a completely interchangeable euphemism for "ass." The above is actually a fairly common saying. But the man (either senior or junior) has certainly said plenty of other stupid things.