Humor...I Need Humor...

[i_rox_this_world]

what did the right bum cheek say to the left bum cheek?
Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's an asshole.
i heard this one ffrom my son

[Ibby]

The road to health is paved with good intestines.

[paddlegal]

What did one fly say to the other fly? Hey man, your Dude is open.

[paddlegal]

The teach asked the mexican/american boy to use green, pink and yellow in a sentence.

The little boy thinks a while and says "The phone went green, green. I pinked it up and said "Yellow!"

[Learner]

A lady of a certain age was walking down to her supermarket along the high street, and she was transfixed to see a sign outside the petshop the straightforward meassge of which was:

"Clitoris-licking Frog - $10"


Recovering her poise after a moment she marched on clucking with outrage. However as she navigated the shelves of the supermarket she couldn't get the ridiculous idea out of her mind, and on the way home she amazed herself by going in to the shop. The fellow behind the counter stood up as she approached, and suppressing years of well-learned inhibitions announced:

"I've come in about the Clitoris-licking Frog."


"Bonjour, Madame."

[classicman]

You Might Be Taliban If...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
"unclean."

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.

You've felt the urge to "rub one off" after seeing a woman's exposed
ankle.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.

[busterb]

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and
sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he
goes to learn more -

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy
behind the desk.


The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is:

The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully

wash their genital regions You then apply shaving foam and gently

shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready

for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000,

but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620

miles fom here."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

[BrianR]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter

is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

[BrianR]

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

[Shawnee123]

I love that, BrianR. My cat Gaines can't stand it if you shut him out of the bathroom. What is up with that? I'm going to print this and hang it on the lower fridge like you said...maybe they'll read it!

[lookout123]

good stuff there Brian. I like the bit about the tongue and tail being sarcastic.

[monster]

I love it. I'm gonna put it on my fridge too. Don't have a dog or cat, mind.

[busterb]

"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd
have killed him if we hadn't stopped her."
"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"
"No, that's not what made her the maddest."
"It's not?"



"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the
curtains."

[toranokaze]

Originally Posted by classicman

.

I own Santa clause conquers the martiains

[xoxoxoBruce]

Council tax re-values want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.
That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.
We have a huge council house on our street.
The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay, and no-one is still sure.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the army but are always seen out in nightclubs.
The family's odd antics are always in the papers; they are out of control. Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?