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#1741 |
I hear them call the tide
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Perpetual Chaos
Posts: 30,852
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The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart |
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#1742 |
Alphabetarian
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 12
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Hi Monster, i'll stay here for as long as you are accepting me
![]() Goodnite, oh wait, you must have sleeping by now- sweet dream then! Loss. |
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#1743 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,828
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Freeze, You're Arrested!
One Monster.com member remembers an interview that was a bust: Toward the end of my interview with a Fortune 100 company, the interviewer offered me the job. Before I could say anything, the police and the fire marshal came into the office and arrested the interviewer. On the way out the door, he turned and said, "I hope this doesn't sour you on working for the company. The Accidental Salesperson sees the bright side: At least there's one less person you have to climb over on your way to the top. A Christmas Story Monster.com member Melinda1260 recalls this holiday story: Sales were great the week before Christmas, and everyone was caught up in wrapping gifts. Glancing up, I spotted a shoplifter at work. She could not see me, and I knew I couldn't prosecute if I lost eye contact with the thief. Everyone at the counter started laughing at the poorly wrapped package. The thief looked my way and started running. I yelled, "Stop, thief!" She turned around and asked if I was talking to her. I described every item she had taken. After retrieving more than $400 worth of merchandise, I went back to the counter where the customer was waiting for his badly wrapped package. He said, "I will take my package just like it is. It will make a good story when we open the presents. The Accidental Salesperson replies: That's a wrap. |
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#1744 |
I hear them call the tide
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Perpetual Chaos
Posts: 30,852
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Ummm.... they weren't actually very funny. But maybe I'm just pissed because monster.com got more famous than I did.....
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The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart |
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#1745 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work. --Charles Turner WHY don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. --Stu Bray What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight. --T Potter Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up. --Christina Martin Alton Towers - 'Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. --Colum Hill When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face told a different story. --Tommo, Hull I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. --Paul Mulraney, Belfast On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road. --T Barnham, London I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning 'Do not use if seal is broken'. As soon as I opened it the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I wonder how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners, have fallen for this evil scam. --Franco
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
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#1746 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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Why do sharks live in saltwater?
Pepperwater makes them sneeze.
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
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#1747 |
Snowflake
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Dystopia
Posts: 13,136
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let's see if I can do this right...
A manager is told he is going to have to lay one of his employees off, and he has it narrowed down to two choices, either Elaine or Jack. The day comes, and he still can’t decide, so he tells himself he’ll just fire the first one who takes a drink out of the water fountain outside his door.
Along comes Elaine, still hung over from a night out on the town, and takes a drink out of the water fountain. The manager comes out and says “Elaine, I’m sorry to tell you, I’m going to have to either lay you or Jack off…” and she says “Well, the way I feel this morning, you may as well just jack off.”
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****************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio |
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#1748 | |
barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy.
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 23,401
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(Via email)
Quote:
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"like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt |
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#1749 |
Goon Squad Leader
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Seattle
Posts: 27,063
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What did the blond say when she saw a banana peel on the sidewalk ahead of her?
"Oh no, not again!!"
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Be Just and Fear Not. |
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#1750 |
Constitutional Scholar
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Ocala, FL
Posts: 4,006
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Actually I heard this happened at the Church, and he pasted the photos under the pews. He went through with the ceremony until he was asked "Do you take..." and he said, "No, and if you want to know why, look under your seat". Then he said "Fuck You" to each, and told her parents they had raised a slut and said, "I'm outta here" and left.
He wanted to make sure her parents were mad at her because they had to pay for the wedding and because she had embarrassed them.
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"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin |
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#1751 |
Snowflake
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Dystopia
Posts: 13,136
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__________________
****************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio |
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#1752 |
Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya?
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 21,206
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That reminds me of the one about the stagecoach that turned down the wrong path to the General Store...
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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby |
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#1753 |
I hear them call the tide
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Perpetual Chaos
Posts: 30,852
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http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/sex...ercard_wed.htm
eta, jeeze I must've taken a long time to hit post on this one -flint and classicman posted meanwhile! ![]()
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The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart |
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#1754 |
Constitutional Scholar
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Ocala, FL
Posts: 4,006
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I figured it was fake. I just heard it a different way.
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"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin |
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#1755 |
Snowflake
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Dystopia
Posts: 13,136
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No. You believed it.
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****************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio |
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