Humor...I Need Humor...

[Cyclefrance]

As issued to the Olympic teams attending Beijing:

.

[sweetwater]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
Supposedly these are true stories...

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swans on-Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN no name AND FINALLY!!!...............

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[ZenGum]

Re: "Learn Chinese in five minutes"

So, why does it have Japanese Hiragana script all around the edges??

[monster]

what does it say, Z?

[ZenGum]

Crap ... thinking time ...

Its a repeating pattern, I don't know where it start, but from bottom left, reading left to right it says:

to i ru ha ni ho he to i ru ha ni ho he

I doubt it means anything, just a bunch of foreign-looking squiggles there for decoration.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Due to the credit crunch the local mine shut down and the dwarf had to get a new job.
Times were hard and the dwarf tried everywhere - finally he gets to the zoo.
"We've had a bad case of avian flu and all the penguins have died," said the zoo keeper.
"As they are our biggest attraction, I need you to dress up as a penguin and pretend to be one all day.
It pays $50 and all the fish you can eat."
Well that's not too bad, thinks the dwarf, so the next day he is their flapping about and swimming and eating fish.
"Not a great job, but hey, we've all had worse," he says to himself..

A few weeks later some local kids are visiting and decide to have some fun - by throwing a penguin into the Lion's den.
So they pick up the dwarf despite him flapping his little wings and chuck him over the fence.
He looks around and sees a huge lion approaching... its crawling up on him until he sees the whites of his eyes.
In panic the dwarf shrieks, "LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT, I'M NOT REALLY A PENGUIN - I AM A DWARF IN A PENGUIN SUIT!"

"Shut up or you'll get us both sacked!" says the lion.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

[classicman]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ron.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Ron says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Ron replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


LITTLE RON ON MATH (Part 2)

Little Ron returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies Ron.!

0A

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f......! difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RON ON ENGLISH

Little Ron goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Ron says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Ron, that's a mouthful.'

Little Ron says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.

LITTLE RON ON GRAMMAR

Little Ron was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, Ron, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little Ron, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RON ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, ! Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Ron.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fu....ing beautiful!''

LITTLE RON ON GETTING OLDER

Little Ron was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Ron replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little Ron answered, 'No, he minded his own fu...ing business.

[classicman]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Westerner?


Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a 40 caliber Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?






Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
__________________________________________________

Republican's Answer:

BANG!
__________________________________________________

Westerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one!'
Wife: 'You are NOT takin' that to the Taxidermist!

[Radar]

This is cute and timely...

[Nirvana]

A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom
blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size
44DD'S.

A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The
bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It
hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The
bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the
beer off of her breasts. ;

This happens a couple more times.

The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick
her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor
moaning and groaning.

'Why do you let the bartender do it?'



'Because he has.............(your gonna love this)......







A LICKER LICENSE!

[classicman]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over 'Nope.'


Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.



'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!''

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

[footfootfoot]

Newer New York, from a website I was at earlier:

[Tulip]

uh...I don't get the joke.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Borough not burro.