Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 153

SteveDallas · 11-12-2008, 03:13 PM

Are you saying he had sex in the bridges so many times he could paint them from memory?

Pie · 11-12-2008, 04:41 PM

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the grandson did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Radar · 11-12-2008, 08:46 PM

A married couple is at home. The wife is in the kitchen enjoying a cup of coffee, and the husband is in the living room reading a book. The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have any kind of freaky sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.'

Pie · 11-14-2008, 02:54 PM

A cop pulls a car over and asks to see a driver's license. He looks at it and asks "Dr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?"

Dr. Heisenberg answers, "I have no idea. But I know precisely where I was."

...

Later the cop pulls a second car over, and after looking at the driver's license says "Dr. Schroedinger, I noticed you were driving erratically. Do you mind if I search your car?"

Dr. Schroedinger gives him permission.

After searching, he comes back to the driver's window. "Dr. Schroedinger, are you aware that there's a dead cat in your trunk?"

Dr. Schroedinger says, "Well, there is now."

sweetwater · 11-14-2008, 04:23 PM

Two atoms are talking. The first atom says, "I'm really worried. I think I have l lost one of my electrons!" The second atom asks, "Are you sure?" "Yes", the first atom answers, "I'm positive!"

classicman · 11-14-2008, 04:35 PM

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sundae · 11-14-2008, 04:45 PM

Wasn't that an IoTD?

classicman · 11-14-2008, 04:52 PM

I dunno - I thought I'd seen it somewhere before - couldn't find it so there it is. If was - A mod can delete it.

classicman · 11-14-2008, 04:52 PM

.

xoxoxoBruce · 11-15-2008, 03:07 AM

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and
readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.
The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.
At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).

The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

ZenGum · 11-15-2008, 08:44 AM

Recently I've linked to a few videos by Roy Zimmerman which mock conservatives. I hereby redress the balance, and bring you Roy mocking Liberals.

Radar · 11-16-2008, 01:46 AM

Zen, I have spent all day watching his videos thanks to you. That guy is a frigging genius.

Pico and ME · 11-17-2008, 05:37 PM

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count
as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man
reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was
as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,
it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I
tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

Nirvana · 11-17-2008, 09:56 PM

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

footfootfoot · 11-18-2008, 01:14 AM

A peanut butter and jelly sandwich walked into a bar, the bartender looked at it and said "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

11-12-2008, 04:41 PM	#2282
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age." So the grandson did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96. When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren ...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

11-12-2008, 08:46 PM	#2283
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	A married couple is at home. The wife is in the kitchen enjoying a cup of coffee, and the husband is in the living room reading a book. The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have any kind of freaky sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? The wife replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.' __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

11-14-2008, 02:54 PM	#2284
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	Physics jokes A cop pulls a car over and asks to see a driver's license. He looks at it and asks "Dr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?" Dr. Heisenberg answers, "I have no idea. But I know precisely where I was." ... Later the cop pulls a second car over, and after looking at the driver's license says "Dr. Schroedinger, I noticed you were driving erratically. Do you mind if I search your car?" Dr. Schroedinger gives him permission. After searching, he comes back to the driver's window. "Dr. Schroedinger, are you aware that there's a dead cat in your trunk?" Dr. Schroedinger says, "Well, there is now." __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

11-14-2008, 04:23 PM	#2285
sweetwater lives inside a Mobius strip Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 1,120	Two atoms are talking. The first atom says, "I'm really worried. I think I have l lost one of my electrons!" The second atom asks, "Are you sure?" "Yes", the first atom answers, "I'm positive!" __________________ I knew I shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque! - Bugs Bunny

11-14-2008, 04:35 PM	#2286
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Attached Images __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

11-12-2008, 03:13 PM	#2281
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	Are you saying he had sex in the bridges so many times he could paint them from memory?

11-14-2008, 04:45 PM	#2287
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Wasn't that an IoTD?

11-14-2008, 04:52 PM	#2288
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	I dunno - I thought I'd seen it somewhere before - couldn't find it so there it is. If was - A mod can delete it. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

11-14-2008, 04:52 PM	#2289
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	. Attached Images __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

11-15-2008, 03:07 AM	#2290
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

11-15-2008, 08:44 AM	#2291
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	Recently I've linked to a few videos by Roy Zimmerman which mock conservatives. I hereby redress the balance, and bring you Roy mocking Liberals. __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

11-16-2008, 01:46 AM	#2292
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Zen, I have spent all day watching his videos thanks to you. That guy is a frigging genius. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

11-17-2008, 05:37 PM	#2293
Pico and ME Are you knock-kneed? Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Middle Hoosierland Posts: 3,549	OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

11-17-2008, 09:56 PM	#2294
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: 'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts! __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

11-18-2008, 01:14 AM	#2295
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	A peanut butter and jelly sandwich walked into a bar, the bartender looked at it and said "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

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