Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 161

Yznhymr · 12-23-2008, 01:19 AM

Tooth Ache

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it!.
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already!
I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Quick, open your mouth, honey, and show him."

Yznhymr · 12-23-2008, 01:23 AM

Talking Clock

After a hard night's drinking in their local bar, a man brings his friends back to his new apartment.
He shows them the Kitchen, Bathroom and Living room and finally, the Bedroom.
Whilst in the Bedroom, he points to a massive gong in the corner and says to his friends:
"That's my talking clock in the corner there",
One of his friends replies "That's not a clock, it's a gong!"
Upon hearing this, he says "Oh yeah? Watch this!" and picks up a mallet by his bed and whacks the gong as hard as he can.
The noise is deafening, ear-shatteringly loud.
His friend says "I don't get it, how's that a talking clock?"
To which he replies "Just wait for it."
Seconds later, they hear furious banging on the wall, followed by "SHUT THE FUCK UP! IT'S 3 0'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING!!!"

xoxoxoBruce · 12-23-2008, 02:31 AM

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner and on July 17, 1946, Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner, ' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
So, now you know...

skysidhe · 12-28-2008, 05:40 PM

TheMercenary · 12-29-2008, 03:58 PM

Doing the dishes

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.

The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.

Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex.

Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

TheMercenary · 01-04-2009, 01:21 PM

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan .. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in and looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-****ed him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

Radar · 01-04-2009, 10:49 PM

I thought this was supposed to be the area for humor. There's nothing funny about that, but I can see how a marine might like it.

I guess the professor's next response would be, "Nobody in Iraq or Afghanistan is defending American rights.....and you are expelled from this school"

Nirvana · 01-04-2009, 11:01 PM

He did not specify how God should be doing it...through a marine is as good a way as any!

Sometimes people just get what they ask for...

footfootfoot · 01-04-2009, 11:03 PM

yabbut, the dishes joke was pretty funny

Radar · 01-04-2009, 11:10 PM

I'll give you that. I heard it before, but it's still funny.

DanaC · 01-05-2009, 02:22 PM

Sky, I love that BRB Jesus!

DanaC · 01-05-2009, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan .. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in and looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-****ed him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

Stoopid ignorant arrogant professor! trying to say there's no God, how dare he.

lookout123 · 01-05-2009, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanaC

Stoopid ignorant arrogant professor! trying to say there's no God, how dare he.

Nah, just stoopid, ignorant, and arrogant to believe noone would believe the opposite with any conviction.

binky · 01-05-2009, 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Radar

I thought this was supposed to be the area for humor. There's nothing funny about that, but I can see how a marine might like it.

I guess the professor's next response would be, "Nobody in Iraq or Afghanistan is defending American rights.....and you are expelled from this school"

Unless of course, unlike you, he had A SENSE OF HUMOR. I mean this isn't the "lecture...I need lecture" thread is it?

monster · 01-05-2009, 07:53 PM

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

You Pokemon

:p

12-23-2008, 01:19 AM	#2401
Yznhymr the crowd goes wild! Join Date: May 2007 Location: USA Posts: 663	Tooth Ache A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it!. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already! I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Quick, open your mouth, honey, and show him." __________________ "The pride system tends to intensify the self-hate against which it is supposed to be a defense, since any failure to live up to one's tyrannical shoulds or of the world to honor one's claims leads to feelings of worthlessness." Bernard J. Paris, Ph.D.

12-23-2008, 01:23 AM	#2402
Yznhymr the crowd goes wild! Join Date: May 2007 Location: USA Posts: 663	Talking Clock After a hard night's drinking in their local bar, a man brings his friends back to his new apartment. He shows them the Kitchen, Bathroom and Living room and finally, the Bedroom. Whilst in the Bedroom, he points to a massive gong in the corner and says to his friends: "That's my talking clock in the corner there", One of his friends replies "That's not a clock, it's a gong!" Upon hearing this, he says "Oh yeah? Watch this!" and picks up a mallet by his bed and whacks the gong as hard as he can. The noise is deafening, ear-shatteringly loud. His friend says "I don't get it, how's that a talking clock?" To which he replies "Just wait for it." Seconds later, they hear furious banging on the wall, followed by "SHUT THE FUCK UP! IT'S 3 0'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING!!!" __________________ "The pride system tends to intensify the self-hate against which it is supposed to be a defense, since any failure to live up to one's tyrannical shoulds or of the world to honor one's claims leads to feelings of worthlessness." Bernard J. Paris, Ph.D.

12-23-2008, 02:31 AM	#2403
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner and on July 17, 1946, Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner, ' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls. So, now you know... __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-29-2008, 03:58 PM	#2405
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Doing the dishes This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!" __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

01-04-2009, 01:21 PM	#2406
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan .. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in and looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-****ed him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.' __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

12-28-2008, 05:40 PM	#2404
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828

01-04-2009, 10:49 PM	#2407
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	I thought this was supposed to be the area for humor. There's nothing funny about that, but I can see how a marine might like it. I guess the professor's next response would be, "Nobody in Iraq or Afghanistan is defending American rights.....and you are expelled from this school" __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

01-04-2009, 11:01 PM	#2408
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	He did not specify how God should be doing it...through a marine is as good a way as any! Sometimes people just get what they ask for... __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

01-04-2009, 11:03 PM	#2409
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	yabbut, the dishes joke was pretty funny __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

01-04-2009, 11:10 PM	#2410
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	I'll give you that. I heard it before, but it's still funny. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

01-05-2009, 02:22 PM	#2411
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Sky, I love that BRB Jesus!

01-05-2009, 07:53 PM	#2415
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You Pokemon :p __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

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