Humor...I Need Humor...

[sweetwater]

Agreed. I'm up to pg 50 and still laughing at some of them. Probably deserves a Cellar Thread, perhaps with an anonymous account so we can share personal experiences with no consequences. I wouldn't want someone reading my posts and always thinking about that one time that I...

[classicman]

Two women were playing golf.......

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away, laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?


He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

[toranokaze]

Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidently texted "I'm going to kill you and use your head as hood ornament" to my ex-fiance, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML

Texting, it will make you go to court.

[Elspode]

Denny's is offering a new morning meal in honor of the octuplet mom. The Nadya Suleman Breakfast consists of 14 eggs, no sausage...and everyone else in the place has to pay for your meal.

[Tulip]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize .... you need to fart.


The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.


After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.


As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down,


and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

[BrianR]

Apartment for rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed please find a check worth $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that;

#1 - It had never been occupied;
#2 - There was plenty of heat; and
#3 - It was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - It had been previously occupied,
#2 - There wasn't any heat, and
#3 - It was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

[Aliantha]

My cousin sent me this via email just a short while ago. I thought it was funny.

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current..

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off- white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

[capnhowdy]

[monster]

Apparently I'm only 20% woman

[Flint]

But...you give it 110%

[Sheldonrs]

Peter Marshall: What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk... and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.

Peter Marshall: According to Amy Vanderbilt, what is the maximum length of time you and your fiancé should be engaged?
Rose Marie: Engaged in what?


Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently said, "I am sorry. I am sorry for them both." Who was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.

Peter Marshall: On what night is a woman most likely to be molested?
Rose Marie: With my luck, it's probably tonight - and I'm working.

Peter Marshall: Your sheep has a temperature of 102. Is she normal?
Burt Reynolds: People think I'm not normal because I keep taking her temperature.

Peter Marshall: You're a 71-year-old man who has lost interest in sex. Does your doctor have anything to help you?
Charley Weaver: No, but his nurse does.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: You're a shy, bashful girl. According to "Cosmo," will you probably be helped in overcoming your shyness by choosing an extroverted, outgoing husband?
Rose Marie: Gosh, Pete, I did that once and his wife caught us.

Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Peter Marshall: True or false, George: experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver. That's why they asked the question.

Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

Peter Marshall: Say Paul, what is the official currency of Puerto Rico?
Paul Lynde: Food Stamps.

Peter Marshall: According to the IRS, out of every 10 Americans audited, how many end up paying more taxes?
Paul Lynde: 11.

Peter Marshall: According to a recent medical study, sex can be harmful to a certain part of the body. Which part?
Jan Murray: I'm sorry, what? I couldn't hear the question. A little louder, please?
Peter Marshall: According to a recent medical study, sex can be harmful to a certain part of the body...
Jan Murray: Six? Six can hurt a body? Oh, SEX... I remember. I'll say the eyes because I read about it so much.

Peter Marshall: Charley, how many balls are on a pool table in a standard game of 8-ball?
Charley Weaver: How many men are on the table?

Peter Marshall: When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went to a geisha house. Now, how did he spend his time in the geisha house?
Paul Lynde: Oh, negotiating for peace (piece).

Peter Marshall: Will humming help your tennis game?
Florence Henderson: Will humming help my tennis game? Sure, why not? It takes your mind off your balls, or something.

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been...” what?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

Peter Marshall: Back in the 1870s, Emile Berliner invented something, and without it, I wouldn't be able to do my job. What was it?
Paul Lynde: Let's see... toupees? Facelifts? Contact lenses?
Peter Marshall: Now cut that out!
Paul Lynde: ...Makeup? Capped teeth? Loud sports jackets?

Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul - Gypsy folklore says that God created man by baking him in an oven.
Paul Lynde: [turns and looks at Leslie Uggams] Looks like you were overcooked.
[Leslie Uggams laughed so hard she was lying across the desk. She then she got up, walked over to Paul, smacked him on his shoulder, and walked back to her square laughing along with all the stars and the audience]

Peter Marshall: What's the one thing you should never do in bed?
Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

Peter Marshall: In "The Wizard Of Oz", the Tin Man wanted a heart, and the Lion wanted courage. What did the Straw Man want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.

Peter Marshall: True or false: According to columnist Bert Bacharach, people tend to start shrinking a little after age 30.
Paul Lynde: Did you know that Rose Marie is standing up right now in her cubicle?
Rose Marie: [to Paul] OH, SHUT UP!

Peter Marshall: True or false, having a good memory is a sign of a well-adjusted personality.
Karen Valentine: What was the question?

[the loud horn sounds to signify time running out on the nighttime show]
Peter Marshall: Let me explain what that means...
Big Bird: Don't look at me!

Peter Marshall: According to the World Book, what is the biggest bird on Earth?
Big Bird: Well, you mean other than me?
Peter Marshall: Uh-huh. What kind of bird are you by the way?
Big Bird: I'm a lark.
Peter Marshall: [cracking up] A lark?
[Audience laughter]
Peter Marshall: [still laughing] You certainly are!

[Big Bird is picked and turns out to be the Secret Square]
Peter Marshall: Did you ever dream that one day you'd be worth 94 hundred dollars?
Big Bird: Gosh! I was excited about 63 cents!

[reading of the bonus prize after player won the match]
David Brenner: Here's the news, do you ride a bike?
Peter Marshall: [to contestant] Do you ride a bike?
[contestant nods]
David Brenner: You do? Good, because in Yugoslavia your prize would be called, "Five thousand American dollars".
[contestant freaks out; Marshall counts off five one-thousand-dollar bills]

Peter Marshall: Paul, does Ann Landers think there is anything wrong with you if you do your housework in the nude?
Paul Lynde: No, but I have to be terribly careful when I do my ironing.

Demond Wilson: What do you like for breakfast?
[Peter Marshall starts to speak]
Demond Wilson: [sternly] Don't tell me "grits"!


Peter Marshall: At a recent hearing, opponents of flourinated water argued that too much flourine in a person's system can cause an uncontrolable desire for sex.
Paul Lynde: [excitedly] HEY, CULLIGAN MAN!

Peter Marshall: Wally, what is the signature phrase of the cartoon character Underdog?
[Cox was voice of Underdog for the duration of the cartoon's airings]
Wally Cox: Where are my residuals?

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, you husband, Edgar, is talking in his sleep. Should you be upset if he talks about his secretary?
Joan Rivers: And how... his secretary is a guy!

Peter Marshall: In baseball, there's a special name for the area between a player's knees and his armpits.
Paul Lynde: [referring to a certain jingle] Aren't you glad? Aren't you glad? *Aren't you glad... * he used Dial?

Peter Marshall: Paul, everyone knows the first verse.
[singing]
Peter Marshall: What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / Early in the morning? But what is the first line of the next verse?
Paul Lynde: [singing] Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Early in the morning
[audience laughs]
Paul Lynde: How disgusting... that poor sailor!

Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul Revere had 16 children?
Paul Lynde: From *one* midnight ride?

Peter Marshall: Your date's had a great shock, now she's fainted. According to experts you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?
Paul Lynde: Send a postcard requesting an ambulance.
Peter Marshall: You don't get along with this young lady obviously.

Peter Marshall: Paul, how do we know the first Union flag was sewn by Betsy Ross?
Paul Lynde: [in a deep overly-serious voice, singing popular TV jingle of the time] You look for, the Union Label, when you buy...

Peter Marshall: Okay, pick a star.
Contestant: Steve Landesberg?
Peter Marshall: I said, pick a star!
Steve Landesberg: Hey!
[audience laughter]
Steve Landesberg: That's okay, I've seen your act!

Peter Marshall: True or false, on a recent talk show, Joey Heatherton said, "I am not a sexpot."
Jan Murray: She's right, Pete, but you're a damn good emcee.

[Tony Randall has just been asked a question]
Tony Randall: [staring dramatically into the camera] I don't *know*.
[wild audience laughter]
Peter Marshall: This is a bluffing game! You're supposed to come up with a bluff if you don't know the answer, you silly twerp!
Tony Randall: Well, *I'm* sorry...

Peter Marshall: True or false, every day, about 10 million American women take the pill.
Paul Lynde: And I could name 'em all!

Peter Marshall: Can you get a closer shave in the morning or in the evening?
Rose Marie: I don't know, Peter! I don't shave!
[short pause]
Rose Marie: My face, I mean. What a stupid question.

Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme, "There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn't know what to do". What did she give her children to eat?
Charley Weaver: She lived in a shoe? Filet of sole!

Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Peter Marshall: True or false, massaging the feet helps some people with hot flashes?
George Gobel: So that's why Rose Marie wears battery-operated shoes.
Rose Marie: OH! I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT! I KNEW IT!

Peter Marshall: Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?
Paul Lynde: Gee, I don't remember. The last time I saw it was when I didn't buy their cookies.

[monster]

A guy dies and goes to heaven, and whille he's waiting for St Peter to do the paperwork, he sees a strange being in a white coat float by.
"What was that?" he asked.
"Oh that was just God, he likes to play doctor sometimes"

[Pie]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[dar512]

Good one, Pie. I'll have to use that at work.

[Radar]

http://videos.komando.com/2008/06/04...rprising-laugh