Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 178

Nirvana · 04-10-2009, 02:47 PM

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .... "In honor of the Harvest Festival,

YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought

before the Lone Ranger who whispers in

Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with

a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits

he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak

to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent

and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief

is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,

and Silver is brought to

the Lone Ranger's tent..

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!!"

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

I SAID ...

"BRING POSSE"

Flint · 04-10-2009, 03:10 PM

lol its his fault he trained the horse to do that

SteveDallas · 04-10-2009, 09:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nirvana

. . . Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back

. . . . . .

. . . . Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

Shouldn't the third time result in a redhead?

Beest · 04-11-2009, 01:16 AM

maybe it's because I'm they are two of my favourite movies, but the timing is spot on also. I had to stop eating chips while I watches lest I choke.

Sheldonrs · 04-11-2009, 01:28 AM

That's one nasty snatch.

Nirvana · 04-14-2009, 02:26 PM

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat............
10% of women think their ass is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

classicman · 04-15-2009, 11:34 AM

This might be a repeat, but I still like it....

Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of
my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,
because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea
for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know..

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is
the toilet?

footfootfoot · 04-15-2009, 01:24 PM

One day, a long time ago, there lived a beautiful woman who didn't comlain, nag, or whine.

But that was a long time ago and it was just for one day.

Nirvana · 04-15-2009, 06:26 PM

ROFLMAO @ F3

and

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL
MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
***************************
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?)

footfootfoot · 04-15-2009, 09:28 PM

"Get off me pa, yer crushin' ma smokes."

or the ever popular

"Oh damn! That's right, yer brother's got the truck tonight."

Shawnee123 · 04-17-2009, 08:30 AM

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: What are ya, a f__ing moron?

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Gravdigr · 04-19-2009, 09:13 PM

Three old men are walking along when one says "Sure is windy today."
The second old man says "No, I think today's Thursday."
The third said "Me too, let's go get a beer."

xoxoxoBruce · 04-22-2009, 04:00 AM

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?';

'Ever since my wife found it in my truck.'

Nirvana · 04-22-2009, 09:59 AM

*LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* ...

Judy got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....

"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."

jester · 04-22-2009, 04:47 PM

Having just returned from a long weekend in nearby Canada , I had a few Canadian dollars left over that I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at my local bank.

There was an Asian lady in front of me in the line who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. She appeared to be a quite irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I got two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get only hunat ninety?? Why it change??'

The teller shrugged his shoulders, smiled pleasantly and said,
'Fluctuations' .

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

04-10-2009, 02:47 PM	#2656
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	The Lone Ranger's Last Request The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .... "In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days." "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request???' The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request???" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request ???" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen Very Carefully!!!!" FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID ... "BRING POSSE" __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

04-10-2009, 03:10 PM	#2657
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	lol its his fault he trained the horse to do that __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

04-11-2009, 01:28 AM	#2660
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	That's one nasty snatch. __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

04-14-2009, 02:26 PM	#2661
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat............ 10% of women think their ass is too skinny...... The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

04-15-2009, 11:34 AM	#2662
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	This might be a repeat, but I still like it.... Cup of Tea One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet? __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

04-11-2009, 01:16 AM	#2659
Beest Adapt and Survive Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ann Arbor, Mi Posts: 957	maybe it's because I'm they are two of my favourite movies, but the timing is spot on also. I had to stop eating chips while I watches lest I choke.

04-15-2009, 01:24 PM	#2663
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	One day, a long time ago, there lived a beautiful woman who didn't comlain, nag, or whine. But that was a long time ago and it was just for one day. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

04-15-2009, 06:26 PM	#2664
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	ROFLMAO @ F3 and A REDNECK LOVE POEM SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE, SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE. SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL, SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO. PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER. SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL. BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.' YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER. BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO' I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER. BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE; YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY. *************************** (Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?) __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

04-15-2009, 09:28 PM	#2665
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	"Get off me pa, yer crushin' ma smokes." or the ever popular "Oh damn! That's right, yer brother's got the truck tonight." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

04-17-2009, 08:30 AM	#2666
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Cussing at work Number 1 TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing. Number 2 TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__. Number 3 TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this? Number 4 TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way. Number 5 TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me! Number 6 TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__. Number 7 TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem. Number 8 TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___? Number 9 TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work. Number 10 TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner? Number 11 TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues... INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__. Number 12 TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die. Number 13 TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__. Number 14 TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary. Number 15 TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: What are ya, a f__ing moron? Number 16 TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks. Number 17 TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss? Number 18 TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck. Thank You, Human Resources __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

04-19-2009, 09:13 PM	#2667
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	From the email rounds Three old men are walking along when one says "Sure is windy today." The second old man says "No, I think today's Thursday." The third said "Me too, let's go get a beer." __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

04-22-2009, 04:00 AM	#2668
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense' The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.' 'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'; 'Ever since my wife found it in my truck.' __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

04-22-2009, 09:59 AM	#2669
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER ... Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied:.... "I think he means her legs, Ethel...." __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

04-22-2009, 04:47 PM	#2670
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	Having just returned from a long weekend in nearby Canada , I had a few Canadian dollars left over that I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at my local bank. There was an Asian lady in front of me in the line who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. She appeared to be a quite irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I got two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get only hunat ninety?? Why it change??' The teller shrugged his shoulders, smiled pleasantly and said, 'Fluctuations' . The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

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