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Old 05-10-2009, 01:17 PM   #2701
BrianR
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 3,338
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"
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Old 05-11-2009, 10:12 AM   #2702
classicman
barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy.
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 23,401
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.


The Italian from New Jersey fumed,
'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night?
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Old 05-11-2009, 05:17 PM   #2703
jester
why so serious
 
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Name:  Swineflu.jpg
Views: 626
Size:  46.2 KB



Hope you haven't seen this before..
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Old 05-11-2009, 05:37 PM   #2704
busterb
NSABFD
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: MS. usa
Posts: 3,908
rerun!!!!
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Old 05-11-2009, 06:06 PM   #2705
Sheldonrs
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Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by busterb View Post
rerun!!!!
"What's Happenin'" ?
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Old 05-11-2009, 06:35 PM   #2706
jester
why so serious
 
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pssh - oh well.
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Old 05-13-2009, 11:38 AM   #2707
Juniper
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,539
Silly joke my 11 year old son told me yesterday:

How does a turtle cross the road?

To find out the answer,

Take out the "f" in free

and take out the "f" in way.


What's that you say?


Did you figure out the answer yet?


Do you get it?



It took me about five seconds, because I can be kinda slow sometimes...



But I got it.






There's no f in way.

Cute.
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Old 05-13-2009, 03:27 PM   #2708
depmats
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Posts: 124
Die Hard reenacted by bunnies in 30 seconds.

Clickie
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Old 05-13-2009, 10:29 PM   #2709
lumberjim
I can hear my ears
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 25,571
10 Finkers

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut


off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in


the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said,

"Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da
finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you

hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2009 and Ive's got

microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem

back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole

says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
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Old 05-14-2009, 09:12 PM   #2710
Pie
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A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions
The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.
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Old 05-14-2009, 09:22 PM   #2711
footfootfoot
To shreds, you say?
 
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Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet!
Posts: 18,449
Quote:
Originally Posted by Juniper View Post
Silly joke my 11 year old son told me yesterday:

How does a turtle cross the road?

To find out the answer,

Take out the "f" in free

and take out the "f" in way.


What's that you say?


Did you figure out the answer yet?


Do you get it?



It took me about five seconds, because I can be kinda slow sometimes...



But I got it.






There's no f in way.

Cute.
Variation:
Kids asks for chocolate ice cream at the store. "There's no chocolate, just vanilla and strawberry." Kid asks for chocolate again. repeat 2x. Store keeper "spell the VAN in vanilla" kids spells van. "Spell the STRAW in strawberry." Kid spells straw. "Now spell the FUCK in chocolate" There is no fuck in (fuckin') chocolate.

"That's what I've been tellin' ya, kid"
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Old 05-14-2009, 10:31 PM   #2712
capnhowdy
Blatantly Homosapien
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 6,200
Best thing about getting a blow job from an Ethiopian:

You know they'll swallow.

How can you kill 200 flies at one time?

Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
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Old 05-15-2009, 10:55 PM   #2713
SteveDallas
Your Bartender
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Philly Burbs, PA
Posts: 7,651



Bonus RL sort of humorous:

"Thank you for calling DirecTV, Mr. Dallas. I see that you've been a DirecTV subscriber since 2002. We very much appreciate your loyalty. What may I help you with today?"

"I need to cancel my account."
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Old 05-16-2009, 11:22 PM   #2714
xoxoxoBruce
The future is unwritten
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
”Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy’s computer……

Amen”
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Old 05-20-2009, 12:19 PM   #2715
Nirvana
Back in 10
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 3,684
Top 4 Adult Jokes?

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow

goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.



The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your

breast, I know you'll forgive me.'



She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place:


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his

wife's arm.



The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist ap-

pointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'



The husband, rejected, turns over.



A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you

have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:



Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number

of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a

terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill

said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion

on his own.



One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once

that something was seriously wrong.


'What's wrong, Bill ?' she asked.



'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my

penis in the pickle slicer?'



'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill , what happened?'



'I got fired.'



'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'


'Oh ... she got fired too.'



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Winner:



A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the break-

fast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we

were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'



'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jay-

bird fifty years ago.'



'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'



Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples

are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'



'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the

other is in your oatmeal.'
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