Humor...I Need Humor...

[lookout123]

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'

[novice]

A maori shearing gang have left the winter cold of New Zealand for a holiday in the Australian outback. Being practical types they stay at pubs so there's no need to move about much. Only two days into their break a frantic farmer bursts into the bar and rushes up to the gang boss.
" My regular shearers have gone walkabout and I need all my sheep shorn right away"
"Sorry bro, but me and the fellers are on holiday" replies the boss.
" Look mate, i'm desperate so i'll pay a buck a sheep " says the farmer.
The big maori doesn't bat an eyelid but inwardly he's excited. He thinks back to the last job, multiplies 22,000 by a dollar and thinks that's some serious cash for a weeks work.
" Okay bro, we may have a deal, how many sheep you got?" he asks the relieved farmer.
" Well, I hope it doesn't alarm you but there's nearly 800 in total " the farmer answers.
Again the boss doesn't show any emotion but looks over the farmers shoulder, winks at his boys, looks back at the farmer and asks " So, bro, what are their names?"

[wolf]

Is there something here that I'm not getting?

[xoxoxoBruce]

I'm guessing that with only 800 sheep, he'd be on a "personal" level, with all of them.

[novice]

Yup. 800 sheep would be considered a one man job in N.Z

[Radar]

800 sheep is considered a harem in N.Z.

[jaguar]

You have bad taste in music

[xoxoxoBruce]

So two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10." One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?" Murray looks up at him and says, "Jesus, is that all you fucking people ever think of?"

[jinx]

<center> Last 10 things the other sex would ever say

</center>

<hr>

<table border="0" cellpadding="15" width="450"> <tbody><tr> <th>No.</th> <th>Women</th> <th>Men</th></tr> <tr> <td>10</td> <td>Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being friends.</td> <td>I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.</td></tr> <tr> <td>9</td> <td>Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.</td> <td>While I'm up, can I get you a beer?</td></tr> <tr> <td>8</td> <td>I think hairy butts are really sexy.</td> <td>I think hairy butts are really sexy.</td></tr> <tr> <td>7</td> <td>Hey, get a whiff of that one.</td> <td>Her tits are just too big.</td></tr> <tr> <td>6</td> <td>Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.</td> <td>Sometimes I just want to be held.</td></tr> <tr> <td>5</td> <td>This diamond is way too big.</td> <td>That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.</td></tr> <tr> <td>4</td> <td>I won't even put my lips on that things unless I get to swallow</td> <td>Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.</td></tr> <tr> <td>3</td> <td>Wow, it really is 12 inches!</td> <td>We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.</td></tr> <tr> <td>2</td> <td>Does this make my butt look too small?</td> <td>Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.</td></tr> <tr> <td>1</td> <td>I'm wrong, you must be right again.</td> <td>I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions</td></tr></tbody> </table>

[lookout123]

TO BE SIX AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again, " she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took
her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put
her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her
loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie to see the latest
blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her
favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being
six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression
suddenly changed.

"You idiot, I meant my dress size!" The moral of the
story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it
wrong.

[novice]

Ha ha- reminiscent of an old classic.
A young man takes a cute girl to the fair where they go on a few rides. He asks her what she wants to do next and she replies that she wants to get weighed. He dutifully responds by taking her to the 'guess-your-weight' stall.
Sometime later in the day he again asks what she'd like next. Again she replies with "I wanna get weighed". Athough mystified he again takes her to the stall and again she's weighed.
She seems to be miffed and he doesn't know why so he decides to drop her at her house as he feels he's failed to make a favourable impression.
She arrives at home, slams the front door, storms into the kitchen where her mother greets her.
" So, how was the big date?" mom asks.
"Wousy"

[novice]

This was related as a true story.

Eric Douglas, the lesser well known son of Kirk Douglas, was performing stand-up in a West end theatre. His jokes were poor, the delivery stilted and the timing dreadful. Londoners, being entirely unsympathetic, were heckling him mercilessly.
Finally, in a fit of pique, he shouted," Do you morons know who I am? I am Kirk Douglas son! "
After only the briefest silence a quick thinker in the audience stands up and says," No, I am Kirk Douglas son! "

[xoxoxoBruce]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess
I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[Wilder]

I am sorry if this has been posted already

There is a fly flying six inches over a lake and a fish watching that fly, thinking if that fly drops six inches I jump up and get me some lunch. Well there is a bear watching that fish, watching that fly and the bears thinks that if that fly drops six inches, the fist will get the fly I can get the fish I can get me some lunch. Well there is a hunter watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. The hunter thinks that if that fly drops six inches then the fish will get the fly the bear with get the fish I shoot the bear and I can get me some lunch. There is a mouse watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. The mouse thinks that if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly, the bear the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear drop his cheese sandwich I can get me some lunch. There is a cat watching the mouse, watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. The cat thinks thinks that if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly, the bear the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear drop his cheese sandwich the mouse will get the sandwich I can get me some lunch. Low and behold the fly drops six inches, the fish gets the fly, the bear the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse gets the cheese sandwich, the cat runs up pounces and misses the mouse and falls into the lake.

So what is the moral of the story.......




No matter how much four-play you have a fly still has to drop six inches before a pussy gets wet.

[plthijinx]

that's a looooong way to go to get a pussy wet!!

speaking of fish