Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 217

jujuwwhite · 02-19-2010, 01:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

I haven't heard that in ages.

How about 'DFO'? We use that one a lot when folks call in on our EMS console.
It is used as a general call for 'done fell out' EXAMPLE...I don't know what's wrong with Bertha, she just done and fell out!

Just hope that you never 'dfo' from seeing a 'ufo'

capnhowdy · 02-20-2010, 02:51 PM

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that the couple was having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how the painting depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out,"some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what that painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I am the artist who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Nirvana · 02-20-2010, 04:49 PM

UncaDollas · 02-21-2010, 03:42 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYxJ_l6hSzc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7H_WSTv_Z48

lumberjim · 02-21-2010, 11:08 PM

whiskey has an e in it

JuancoRocks · 02-22-2010, 01:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

whiskey has an e in it

Per the Perfect Drink " If it has an "e", it came from the United States or Ireland, No "e" Scotland or Canada. If the name of the country has an "e" in it , so does the whiskey.

BrianR · 02-22-2010, 02:01 PM

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

squirell nutkin · 02-22-2010, 02:37 PM

very funny

classicman · 02-23-2010, 12:48 AM

Quote:

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by Using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will
Go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the
Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or
China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala .

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

classicman · 02-23-2010, 12:50 AM

Quote:

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap...

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have..

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines..

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis?

Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future.

Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ''What the heck happened?''

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

lumberjim · 02-23-2010, 01:09 AM

Quote:

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap...

non humorous comment:

yeah.. think about that.

When I was trapping squirrels, the peanutbutter was always still in the trap.... meaning the trapped squirrel knew it was fucked and eating the peanut butter was no longer a priority.

With the moustraps...i noticed that the peanutbutter was always gone. I thought....hmmm....i wonder if the mouse was still clinging to life, and some how stil ate the peanut butter. .....and then one night, I checked the trap and there was a dead mouse, and the peanut butter was all gone.... so I reset the trap, and put it back....and then 20 minutes later heard it spring. this time the peanut butter was stil there, and i came to the grim conclusion that this last mouse i caught had climbed over the dead body of the previous mouse and ate the peanut butter from the previous set. ew.

squirell nutkin · 02-23-2010, 02:40 PM

Yeah, all that shit you learned about how animals are just like humans from Disney is a bunch of crap.

ANIMALS DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

I helped a friend slaughter his pigs, there were six of them. As each one was shot and had its throat slit, the other pigs came rushing over and lapped up the blood. Completely unconcerned that every 15 minutes their numbers dwindled by one. Even the last pig was completely unconcerned.

This is not to say that I approve of CAFO farming or mistreatment of animals. I'm just saying that animals aren't like people. At all.

Nirvana · 02-23-2010, 07:12 PM

That was kind of a creepy joke SN

Nirvana · 02-23-2010, 07:13 PM

Now that Vancouver will be hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these aresome questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on anInternational Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watchthem die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroadtracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a listof them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hipporacing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees contact us when you get here andwe'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, whichis...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday nightin Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Wherecan I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the femalepopulation is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk isillegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget itsname. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brainsof anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by sprayingyourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Pie · 02-23-2010, 08:49 PM

Nice!

02-20-2010, 02:51 PM	#3242
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that the couple was having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how the painting depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out,"some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society." After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what that painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I am the artist who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch." __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

02-20-2010, 04:49 PM	#3243
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	__________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

02-21-2010, 03:42 PM	#3244
UncaDollas Banned Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 72	More Irish Jokes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYxJ_l6hSzc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7H_WSTv_Z48

02-21-2010, 11:08 PM	#3245
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	whiskey has an e in it __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

02-22-2010, 02:01 PM	#3247
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case. And in the southern hemisphere... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us". Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

02-22-2010, 02:37 PM	#3248
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	very funny __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

02-23-2010, 02:40 PM	#3252
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	Yeah, all that shit you learned about how animals are just like humans from Disney is a bunch of crap. ANIMALS DON'T GIVE A SHIT. I helped a friend slaughter his pigs, there were six of them. As each one was shot and had its throat slit, the other pigs came rushing over and lapped up the blood. Completely unconcerned that every 15 minutes their numbers dwindled by one. Even the last pig was completely unconcerned. This is not to say that I approve of CAFO farming or mistreatment of animals. I'm just saying that animals aren't like people. At all. __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

02-23-2010, 07:12 PM	#3253
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	That was kind of a creepy joke SN __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

02-23-2010, 07:13 PM	#3254
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	2010 Winter Olympics Now that Vancouver will be hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these aresome questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on anInternational Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked! Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(England ) A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watchthem die. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA ) A: Depends on how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroadtracks? ( Sweden ) A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden ) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a listof them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England ) A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hipporacing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked. Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA ) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees contact us when you get here andwe'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England ) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA ) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, whichis...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday nightin Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany ) A: No, WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Wherecan I sell it in Canada ? ( USA ) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the femalepopulation is smaller than the male population? ( Italy ) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA ) A: Only at Thanksgiving. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany ) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk isillegal. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget itsname. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA ) A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brainsof anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by sprayingyourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA ) A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

02-23-2010, 08:49 PM	#3255
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	Nice! __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

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