Humor...I Need Humor...

[lumberjim]

I know this has been put up before, but it's funny the third time, so....



It takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma

to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,'
which

tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct

the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review

the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are

some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with
a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And naturally, the best one for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.

Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[ZenGum]

Missed my favourite:

P: Unfamiliar noise from number two engine.
S: Engine run for 20 minutes. Noise now familiar.

[capnhowdy]

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and asking, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying, "You're next, Chubby."

[TheMercenary]

that's funny as hell, thanks.

[jujuwwhite]

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

"You're next, Chubby."

HA! You better hope YOU never come home and call ME 'chubby'!!

[jujuwwhite]

Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE...UGH!!' after just a second or two the cries are repeated, 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE, UGH!'

All night long, the cries are repeated over and over again with no hints of the second dwarf even being out of breath. 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO THREE, UGH!!, here I come again, ONE, TWO THREE, UGH!'

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first dwarf mutters, "it was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection!" The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the fucking bed!!"

[classicman]

After being interviewed by the school administration,
the prospective teacher said: 'Let me see if I've got this right.

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior,
observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits,
censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons,
wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases,
raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship,
sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote,
balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior,
and make sure that they all pass the final exams.

'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps,
and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language,
by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard,
a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile,
and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

'You want me to do all this and then you tell me:

I CAN'T PRAY?

[Pie]

Oh, she can pray. She just can't teach the kids to pray.

[Tulip]

Originally Posted by Pie

Oh, she can pray. She just can't teach the kids to pray.

She can pray but not out loud.

[Undertoad]

It's not funny.

[squirell nutkin]

Originally Posted by Undertoad

It's not funny.

Hey! Did I ever tell you about the time I helped slaughter a bunch of pigs..?

[monster]

In the UK, you can teach the kids to pray. You can also get paid much less. I suggest you count your blessings and STFU.

[toranokaze]

I thought it was funny

[Flint]

I helped a toranokaze slaughter his toranokazes, there were six of them. As each one was shot and had its throat slit, the other toranokazes came rushing over and lapped up the blood. Completely unconcerned that every 15 minutes their numbers dwindled by one. Even the last toranokaze was completely unconcerned.

This is not to say that I approve of mistreatment of toranokazes. I'm just saying that toranokazes aren't like people. At all.

[classicman]

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes
a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.
Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'




'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'