What's upsetting you today? - Page 238

DanaC · 03-31-2009, 12:25 PM

I know this is going to sound extremely cold and callous, but it's not meant to. If you are tired of being an emotional cripple (I know you arent really, you're just heart sore) then.....stop. You are the final arbiter of your own mind.

Queen of the Ryche · 03-31-2009, 12:48 PM

I know what you're saying Dana - I'm just too emotionally lazy to get out of my current situation. As for Tiki, well I can't really say.....

03-31-2009, 06:50 PM

Tiki's situation was complicated. It's not anymore... now it's just a process of recovering. Telling me to "just stop" is about as helpful as telling someone with a pulled muscle to just stop hurting, if they don't like it.

I am "just stopping"... by taking time and trying to be kind to myself, including starting to date again. I lost my husband and my love. It's only been six months... how fast does heartbreak heal for you?

Running into him on this date was just unexpected. Yeah, I'm not meant to be with the guy I was with, but he was a nice distraction. Dinner and a movie, and then a drink before bed. Like wearing something nice when you feel bad, going out when you're sad can be a way to ease the heartsore.

I'm not a permanent cripple, but I'm hurt enough that seeing him left me shaking. I want this part, the raw and tender part of getting over it, to be over. All I can do, the one thing that I have power over, is carry on with my life and give it time.

Normal people can't just shut it off, and I wouldn't like the person I am if I cared so shallowly that I could.

03-31-2009, 06:52 PM

If this isn't the correct thread for venting what's got me upset, let me know and I'll make a new one.

TheMercenary · 03-31-2009, 07:14 PM

The only thing that will fix your pain is time. Oh, and try not to go where this other person hangs out. That may help in the long run.

03-31-2009, 07:23 PM

Yeah, I was kind of hoping to not see him around! But, it's a small city, and we both live in the same neighborhood. And then of course it turns out my date knew him... they worked together... adding awkward to awkward. Sometimes, this town, it feels like there's no getting away.

Time is time. I want it to happen sooner than later, but all I can really do is wait.

DanaC · 03-31-2009, 07:36 PM

Ok. Well, by all means ignore the caveat that was meant to soften that advice. I do believe that to a large extent, we have much greater control over our emotional state than we usually recognise or use. I try to remind myself of that when i am struggling with something. It helps me.

But hey. Whatever.

Shawnee123 · 03-31-2009, 07:57 PM

Like we said in another thread: one foot in front of the other. Yeah, it hurts, but it will get better.

03-31-2009, 08:07 PM

Dana, I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh, but seriously, glib armchair psychologist advice usually assumes that the person it's being given to is doing something "wrong". I have a therapist. A good one.

If you believe you have some profound insights into recovering from divorce or heartbreak, by all means, offer them up. However, "stop" is patently ridiculous, condescending, and ignorant. There is no way to soften that up with a disclaimer about not meaning to sound cold and callous. It just makes you sound sheltered. I'm sure you have your own experiences to draw from, but seriously... "stop"? Did you really think about that one?

People have to grieve the loss of important relationships. It's a normal part of the process. It's hard, and it sucks, but people don't get through the grieving process by walling off the hurt.

If, six months after the end of our relationship and two months after the end of our friendship, I run into him and it makes me feel an emotional wreck, but the rest of the time I am a fully functional mother, friend, businesswoman, and homeowner, I think I'm not doing half badly in my process of getting over it.

I still love him. If I could just "stop", what kind of monster would I be?

DanaC · 03-31-2009, 08:13 PM

*sighs* Tiki, my choice of words was not in order to indicate ease, but to indicate a conscious act. Like I said, telling myself things like that helped me.

But hey, what do I know right?

[eta] incidentally, I don't recall ever saying you should suddenly stop caring.

Shawnee123 · 03-31-2009, 08:19 PM

Tiki...you post in a forum and you're going to get all kinds of replies and advice. Dana was only relating her experience. I think there will come a time where you can just "stop." It's obviously not yet, but you need to realize that it's going to be OK to do that. From your last sentence it seems that you find "stopping" to be a guilt-ridden idea, but someday you will stop because it's time to move on. Who knows when that will be for you? I think Dana was offering one idea; choose to do with it what you will but don't think for a second Dana was taking your situation lightly.

03-31-2009, 08:20 PM

You might know a LOT. But yeah, what you said didn't really convey what you know, and it seemed to assume that I'm not doing what I need to do. Stop?

I am stopping. I stopped seeing him. I stopped calling him. I stopped having things around (other than his children) that remind me of him. And, if I keep it up, eventually I will stop loving him.

But RIGHT FUCKING NOW, I walked into a bar (my bar!) last night and he was sitting there with his eyes and his hands and his smile and all the things I have not yet stopped loving.

And that was a bit upsetting.

03-31-2009, 08:21 PM

Shawnee, clearly I misunderstood the purpose of this thread. I thought it was for venting, not flippant advice. Dana didn't relate her experience, she said "If you are tired of being an emotional cripple then.....stop." I find that ridiculous, and said so.

I don't find any guilt in getting over lost love. It's simply not a light switch, to flip on and off at will, and honestly I wouldn't want it to be.

DanaC · 03-31-2009, 08:25 PM

Oh I understand that Tiki. It's bound to be. I haven't followed the ins and outs of your story. From your post in here it sounded like you were at the end of a much longer journey and that you felt somehow buried under it a little more generally than that. It was your idea of yourself as an 'emotional cripple' that I was picking up on. That made it sound as if you felt at the mercy of something that had a greater control over your life and happiness than you.

[eta] It's not about flicking a light switch. It's about recognising the powerful tool you have at your disposal and turning it to your advantage. It's possible to be utterly heart broken and at the same time detached enough to recognise ways to ease the pain.

And the advice was not flippant. I stand by it as the best way to deal with grief. But then I would.

03-31-2009, 08:27 PM

Nope, just one little ton-of-bricks moment. I haven't really related my whole story, since it's been going on for longer than I've been here. But, that again is kind of the problem with glib advice... if you don't really know what it's about, assuming you know what someone should do is a bit foolish. Again, I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I wasn't expecting to vent in a thread that's for venting and then have someone tell me that if I don't like the fallout from my divorce and heartbreak, just stop. LOL! Sort of like telling someone who's getting foreclosed on to just pay their mortgage.

No hard feelings.

03-31-2009, 12:48 PM	#3557
Queen of the Ryche is fleeing the scene Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Beautiful CO Posts: 1,510	I know what you're saying Dana - I'm just too emotionally lazy to get out of my current situation. As for Tiki, well I can't really say..... __________________ Once, in an interview, Chuck Norris admitted that he was not the most awesome thing ever. He declined to elaborate; but I believe we all know that he was referring to the existence of chocolate covered bacon. I'd rather be judged by twelve than carried by six.

03-31-2009, 07:14 PM	#3560
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	The only thing that will fix your pain is time. Oh, and try not to go where this other person hangs out. That may help in the long run. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

03-31-2009, 07:57 PM	#3563
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Like we said in another thread: one foot in front of the other. Yeah, it hurts, but it will get better. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

03-31-2009, 08:13 PM	#3565
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	sighs Tiki, my choice of words was not in order to indicate ease, but to indicate a conscious act. Like I said, telling myself things like that helped me. But hey, what do I know right? [eta] incidentally, I don't recall ever saying you should suddenly stop caring. Last edited by DanaC; 03-31-2009 at 08:20 PM.

03-31-2009, 08:19 PM	#3566
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Tiki...you post in a forum and you're going to get all kinds of replies and advice. Dana was only relating her experience. I think there will come a time where you can just "stop." It's obviously not yet, but you need to realize that it's going to be OK to do that. From your last sentence it seems that you find "stopping" to be a guilt-ridden idea, but someday you will stop because it's time to move on. Who knows when that will be for you? I think Dana was offering one idea; choose to do with it what you will but don't think for a second Dana was taking your situation lightly. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

03-31-2009, 12:25 PM	#3556
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	I know this is going to sound extremely cold and callous, but it's not meant to. If you are tired of being an emotional cripple (I know you arent really, you're just heart sore) then.....stop. You are the final arbiter of your own mind.

03-31-2009, 06:50 PM	#3558
Tiki Guest Posts: n/a	Tiki's situation was complicated. It's not anymore... now it's just a process of recovering. Telling me to "just stop" is about as helpful as telling someone with a pulled muscle to just stop hurting, if they don't like it. I am "just stopping"... by taking time and trying to be kind to myself, including starting to date again. I lost my husband and my love. It's only been six months... how fast does heartbreak heal for you? Running into him on this date was just unexpected. Yeah, I'm not meant to be with the guy I was with, but he was a nice distraction. Dinner and a movie, and then a drink before bed. Like wearing something nice when you feel bad, going out when you're sad can be a way to ease the heartsore. I'm not a permanent cripple, but I'm hurt enough that seeing him left me shaking. I want this part, the raw and tender part of getting over it, to be over. All I can do, the one thing that I have power over, is carry on with my life and give it time. Normal people can't just shut it off, and I wouldn't like the person I am if I cared so shallowly that I could.

03-31-2009, 06:52 PM	#3559
Tiki Guest Posts: n/a	If this isn't the correct thread for venting what's got me upset, let me know and I'll make a new one.

03-31-2009, 07:23 PM	#3561
Tiki Guest Posts: n/a	Yeah, I was kind of hoping to not see him around! But, it's a small city, and we both live in the same neighborhood. And then of course it turns out my date knew him... they worked together... adding awkward to awkward. Sometimes, this town, it feels like there's no getting away. Time is time. I want it to happen sooner than later, but all I can really do is wait.

03-31-2009, 07:36 PM	#3562
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Ok. Well, by all means ignore the caveat that was meant to soften that advice. I do believe that to a large extent, we have much greater control over our emotional state than we usually recognise or use. I try to remind myself of that when i am struggling with something. It helps me. But hey. Whatever.

03-31-2009, 08:07 PM	#3564
Tiki Guest Posts: n/a	Dana, I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh, but seriously, glib armchair psychologist advice usually assumes that the person it's being given to is doing something "wrong". I have a therapist. A good one. If you believe you have some profound insights into recovering from divorce or heartbreak, by all means, offer them up. However, "stop" is patently ridiculous, condescending, and ignorant. There is no way to soften that up with a disclaimer about not meaning to sound cold and callous. It just makes you sound sheltered. I'm sure you have your own experiences to draw from, but seriously... "stop"? Did you really think about that one? People have to grieve the loss of important relationships. It's a normal part of the process. It's hard, and it sucks, but people don't get through the grieving process by walling off the hurt. If, six months after the end of our relationship and two months after the end of our friendship, I run into him and it makes me feel an emotional wreck, but the rest of the time I am a fully functional mother, friend, businesswoman, and homeowner, I think I'm not doing half badly in my process of getting over it. I still love him. If I could just "stop", what kind of monster would I be?

03-31-2009, 08:20 PM	#3567
Tiki Guest Posts: n/a	You might know a LOT. But yeah, what you said didn't really convey what you know, and it seemed to assume that I'm not doing what I need to do. Stop? I am stopping. I stopped seeing him. I stopped calling him. I stopped having things around (other than his children) that remind me of him. And, if I keep it up, eventually I will stop loving him. But RIGHT FUCKING NOW, I walked into a bar (my bar!) last night and he was sitting there with his eyes and his hands and his smile and all the things I have not yet stopped loving. And that was a bit upsetting.

03-31-2009, 08:21 PM	#3568
Tiki Guest Posts: n/a	Shawnee, clearly I misunderstood the purpose of this thread. I thought it was for venting, not flippant advice. Dana didn't relate her experience, she said "If you are tired of being an emotional cripple then.....stop." I find that ridiculous, and said so. I don't find any guilt in getting over lost love. It's simply not a light switch, to flip on and off at will, and honestly I wouldn't want it to be.

03-31-2009, 08:25 PM	#3569
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Oh I understand that Tiki. It's bound to be. I haven't followed the ins and outs of your story. From your post in here it sounded like you were at the end of a much longer journey and that you felt somehow buried under it a little more generally than that. It was your idea of yourself as an 'emotional cripple' that I was picking up on. That made it sound as if you felt at the mercy of something that had a greater control over your life and happiness than you. [eta] It's not about flicking a light switch. It's about recognising the powerful tool you have at your disposal and turning it to your advantage. It's possible to be utterly heart broken and at the same time detached enough to recognise ways to ease the pain. And the advice was not flippant. I stand by it as the best way to deal with grief. But then I would.

03-31-2009, 08:27 PM	#3570
Tiki Guest Posts: n/a	Nope, just one little ton-of-bricks moment. I haven't really related my whole story, since it's been going on for longer than I've been here. But, that again is kind of the problem with glib advice... if you don't really know what it's about, assuming you know what someone should do is a bit foolish. Again, I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I wasn't expecting to vent in a thread that's for venting and then have someone tell me that if I don't like the fallout from my divorce and heartbreak, just stop. LOL! Sort of like telling someone who's getting foreclosed on to just pay their mortgage. No hard feelings. Last edited by Tiki; 03-31-2009 at 08:33 PM.

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