Humor...I Need Humor...

[toranokaze]

now that is ironic

[toranokaze]

And this:

[TheMercenary]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, And during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?


'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.


Jane explained to him what sex was.


Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'


Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'


She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.


'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'


Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !


Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.


Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for ?'


Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

[plthijinx]

might be a repeat but here goes:

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She came home very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!!"

[GunMaster357]

Q: What's the definition of a will?



A: It's a dead giveaway.

[skysidhe]

The creator forgot social networking sites.

[classicman]

excellent!

[monster]

just found this, made me laugh. Probably staged, but who cares....

[classicman]

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue,
and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for 4 hours and then get
back on the road.
When we checked out 4 hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.
I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for 4 hours.
Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the "standard rate". I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," I said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York ,
Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."


''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

[skysidhe]

An irreverent poke in the eye. I thought it was funny in a tongue and cheek kind of way.

[Nirvana]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily,
''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .



"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[GunMaster357]

Five surgeons are discussing while taking a meal together:
1st: "I love to open accountants. Everything inside is numbered."
2nd: "You should see electricians. All the parts are color coded. You can't get wrong."
3rd: "As for myself, I prefer librarians. It's all sorted by alphabetical order."
4th (laughing): "I like mechanics. They understand why you still have bits and pieces around after you have finished the job."
5th: "Actually, the easiest guys to open are the politicians. No heart, no brain, no spine. Best of all, head and asshole are interchangeable."

[classicman]

Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says with a wink, 'I remember it well..'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see this. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. They get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is . He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, amazed, thinks to himself, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Still shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[GunMaster357]

Q: What's the difference between a tie and a cow's tail?






A: The cow's tail completely hides the asshole...

[Sheldonrs]

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