Humor...I Need Humor...

[Shawnee123]

Oldie, but timely:

Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio :


You might be from Ohio (pronounced Uh-hi-uh), if:

1. You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange.
2. You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
3. You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
4. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones.
5. "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."
6. You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
7. You can spell, and pronounce, words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati .
8. "Vacation! " means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.
9. You measure distance in minutes
10. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
11. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
12. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
13. You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
14. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example:
"Where's my coat at?"
15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
16. You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
17. You carry jumper cables in your car.
18. You know what 'pop' is.
19. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
20. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
21. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
22. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports.

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by monster

scarier... but can we please avoid politics in this one thread? please?

Prolly not...

[Pete Zicato]

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

"Where's my coat at, asshole?"

FIFY.

[Aliantha]

[Lamplighter]

From G-sons FaceBook

From Bill Hicks (edited)

You never see a positive drug story on the news.
They always have the same LSD story. You've all seen it:
"Today a young man on acid...thought he could fly ...jumped out of a building...what a tragedy!"

He's an idiot.

If he thought he could fly why didn't he take off from the ground first?
Check it out?
You don't see geese lined up to catch elevators to fly south; they fly from the ground.

He's an idiot. He's dead. Good! We lost a moron?
Celebrate. There's one less moron in the world.

[Gravdigr]

that quote continued:

Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition? Perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once?

"Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."

[plthijinx]

.

[BrianR]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they went home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''

[classicman]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as
gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said:
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[capnhowdy]

She was Soooooooo Blonde
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says, “Sign here:” she wrote “Sagittarius.”
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics”

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “Concentrate.”
* She told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK.”
* She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde …
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said “TGIF,” which she thought stood for “This Goes In Front.”

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde…

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone compa

[Gravdigr]

She's soooooo blonde, she got fired from Quality Control at the M&M factory. She was picking out the W's.

[Gravdigr]

There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

The moral of this story?

Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

[Gravdigr]

.

[Gravdigr]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I

Originally Posted by Elspode

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Serengeti (of course) sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you
exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of
this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page
report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally
turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs an animal into the trunk of his car. Then the
shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my
business. Now give me back my dog."

That's nice one post and keep sharing more one's that are relating to the humor.........You are doing well....