Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 268

GunMaster357 · 05-19-2011, 09:51 AM

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"

"1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."

BrianR · 05-31-2011, 02:28 PM

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat,
agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog and house
while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep,
she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together
and unable to disengage as frequently happens when dogs mate.

She was unable to separate them, and even though it was late,
she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing
will make the male lose his erection and he'll be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

I'm not really sure, but It just worked for me," he replied.

BrianR · 05-31-2011, 02:44 PM

Why I'm Divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....
on the couch....
naked.

BigV · 06-01-2011, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrianR

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat,
agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog and house
while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep,
she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together
and unable to disengage as frequently happens when dogs mate.

She was unable to separate them, and even though it was late,
she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing
will make the male lose his erection and he'll be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

I'm not really sure, but It just worked for me," he replied.

but, but.. why was he humping his dog?

Gravdigr · 06-01-2011, 04:13 PM

I'm here all week.

Gravdigr · 06-05-2011, 03:45 PM

May be a repost.

Nirvana · 06-07-2011, 06:39 PM

In honor of Arnold Schwartzenegger, a new 11th Commandment has been created. Be sure to write this one beneath the other 10:

“Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod with Thy Staff.”

Gravdigr · 06-07-2011, 07:31 PM

We have a winner!!!

footfootfoot · 06-07-2011, 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

I totally suck at russian roulette.

Five EMPTY chambers, one loaded.
Five EMPTY, one loaded.

jimhelm · 06-09-2011, 12:10 PM

Costco doctor!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting. Your elbow will start to improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco."

That evening, while thinking about this new diagnostic device, Joe also began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

The next day, he mixed up a concoction: some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe went back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in the family cocktail, and waited.

The computer printed the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Also: If you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

Scriveyn · 06-10-2011, 12:34 PM

Quote:

"All money nowadays seems to be produced with a natural homing instinct for the Treasury."

"Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, a science which I have practiced for a good many years."

These and 88 more quotes from Prince Philip found at
The Independent

The man rocks!

monster · 06-10-2011, 01:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scriveyn

These and 88 more quotes from Prince Philip found at
The Independent

The man rocks!

@ eating dogs for anorexics

Gravdigr · 06-12-2011, 06:15 PM

,

Lola Bunny · 06-13-2011, 02:04 PM

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads This one should get First prize....

I e-mailed it to my Chinese doctor friend; he e-mailed back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician

Lola Bunny · 06-13-2011, 02:12 PM

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own
money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala ..

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you
met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

05-19-2011, 09:51 AM	#4006
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?" "1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!" "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now." __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

05-31-2011, 02:28 PM	#4007
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog and house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage as frequently happens when dogs mate. She was unable to separate them, and even though it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he'll be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. I'm not really sure, but It just worked for me," he replied. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

05-31-2011, 02:44 PM	#4008
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Why I'm Divorced Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there.... on the couch.... naked. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

06-01-2011, 04:13 PM	#4010
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	I'm here all week. Attached Images __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

06-05-2011, 03:45 PM	#4011
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	May be a repost. Attached Images __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

06-07-2011, 06:39 PM	#4012
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	In honor of Arnold Schwartzenegger, a new 11th Commandment has been created. Be sure to write this one beneath the other 10: “Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod with Thy Staff.” __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

06-07-2011, 07:31 PM	#4013
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	We have a winner!!! __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

06-09-2011, 12:10 PM	#4015
jimhelm a beautiful fool Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: 39.939705 Posts: 4,504	Costco doctor! One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting. Your elbow will start to improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco." That evening, while thinking about this new diagnostic device, Joe also began wondering if the computer could be fooled. The next day, he mixed up a concoction: some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe went back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in the family cocktail, and waited. The computer printed the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. Also: If you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better. __________________ There's a Shadow just behind me. Shrouding every step I take. Making every promise empty, pointing every finger at me. _tool

06-12-2011, 06:15 PM	#4018
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	, Attached Images __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

06-13-2011, 02:04 PM	#4019
Lola Bunny Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 2,728	I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads This one should get First prize.... I e-mailed it to my Chinese doctor friend; he e-mailed back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician Attached Images

06-13-2011, 02:12 PM	#4020
Lola Bunny Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 2,728	Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q.. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka . * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China . * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala .. * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea . * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan . * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1) Spending it at yard sales, or 2) Going to ball games, or 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 4) Beer or 5) Tattoos. (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.) Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day! No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

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