Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 52

busterb · 03-18-2006, 04:11 PM

Well till I went back and reread. I was lost. Years ago I cound really shine as a pipefitter because of this. Think in early 80s I paid around 10 bucks for a calculator which would do this. Forgot the name, think it was a model 509 or 510. I never learned to do this on paper or by the trig tables in back of pipefitters books. Anyway you know the drill. Plus I can't spell this shit. *cough-pythagoreantheorem-cough*

wolf · 03-18-2006, 04:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

long way to go for a bad pun.

You say that like there are any good ones.

Stress Puppy · 03-18-2006, 05:04 PM

A man goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. Doctor tells him he's sterile. Guy says, "But doc..you must be mistaken.. my wife is six months pregnant with my kid.. I can't be sterile."
Doctor says, "I have a friend that hunts. Every year, never fails. One day he goes out to hunt and he comes across a beaver's dam. He settles in and waits, and eventually, he spots the beaver coming out of the water. He goes to take aim, but realizes that instead of his gun, he had accidentally brought his umbrella. Frustrated at the beauty of the shot, but lack of ability to follow through, he pretends to take aim and shouts, 'BANG!'. And wouldn't you know it, the beaver falls over dead right there. Now how do you suppose that hapepned?"
The guy says, "Well, I'd have to say someone else shot that beaver."
Doc says, "My point exactly."

Iggy · 03-18-2006, 05:32 PM

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

*****

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

*****

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

"So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" the priest says.

"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

"Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"That he did, Father."

"What did he ask, Mary?

“He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...’”

*****

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

wolf · 03-18-2006, 10:30 PM

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

wolf · 03-20-2006, 01:28 AM

An Italian-American family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful!! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."

"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'. And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!! Also a Federal Judge, retired for over 30 years, is still addressed as 'Your Honor'. And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me the fuckin Italian!"

Elspode · 03-21-2006, 12:38 PM

At a world brewing conventio n , the CEOs of various brewing organizations
retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate."

Auggie, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer , ferdamit. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon? Thanks." The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't adrinkin', then neither am I.

plthijinx · 03-22-2006, 11:16 AM

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

Cyclefrance · 03-22-2006, 12:22 PM

As you liked the last one so much....

There was a little known tribe that lived in the jungles of Africa – civilised, to an extent, but not in our sense of the word - you know, all grass skirts, bones through noses, and huts made out of mud and grass.

Well, they had a new chief, and new chiefs being what new chiefs will be, he wanted to make an impression. So he gave orders for a throne to be built for him, made from the finest materials that were available in the jungle.

And so it was that the natives gathered wood and vines and elephant tusks and a variety of other materials and proceeded to build him the most enormous and elaborate thrown (thrown...? sheesh: throne!). He was well pleased.

But then he realised he didn't have a special place to put his thrown (aaww, come on, spell it right,, for God's sake!). That was no good at all, so he gave order that he be built a new and grand house made from the finest grass, and, so that the throne (at last!) should be set in a place fitting its importance his natives were made to construct a sort of dais for the throne (OK, now we're talking...), rather like a second floor, for in fact he wanted to use the area under the dais as a (relatively-speaking) sumptuous bedroom.

When the chief’s new hut was ready to have its roof fitted (but before this was done) the natives raised the throne by ropes and pulleys and laid it to rest on the dais. It looked splendid, and the chief was again well pleased.

The roof was finally fitted placed over the total ensemble and the chief ordered a celebration to commemorate this achievement – the finest grass hut in the jungle, complete with throne and all mod cons (for natives living in the jungle that is).

It was well past midnight when the partying finished, and the chief and his natives went yawning to their respective beds. But just before dawn there was this mighty crashing sound, and all the natives woke to discover that their chief’s new hut had collapsed under the weight of the thrown (oh. no, not again...) – the roof that had been added last proved just too much for the walls to bear – and worse still the chief lie crushed and perished under his new throne (redeemed myself!).

Naturally, everyone was extremely sad - I mean the chief had only been around a few days. What a tragedy!, Still, as one of the natives quite rightly pointed out - it just went to show that people in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

ferret88 · 03-22-2006, 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

Still, as one of the natives quite rightly pointed out - it just went to show that people in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

bra-vo!

Radar · 03-22-2006, 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iggy

I feel really bad... but I don't get it.

Don't feel bad. It's a math joke....and a pun. Two strikes!

(the son of the squaw on the hide Poor Tent uses, is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides)

The sum of the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sums of the squares of the other two sides.

Happy Monkey · 03-22-2006, 05:51 PM

Anyone ever notice that the Scarecrow gets it wrong when he tries to recite that after getting his diploma at the end of "The Wizard of Oz"?

Cyclefrance · 03-22-2006, 07:05 PM

Can anyone remember how to prove pythagoras theorem using similar triangles...

just asking....

Happy Monkey · 03-22-2006, 07:25 PM

Remember? No. Google? Maybe #8? Or #13?

Cyclefrance · 03-23-2006, 05:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Happy Monkey

Remember? No. Google? Maybe #8? Or #13?

Great selection HM - many thanks - #6 is the one we were taught at school (all those decades ago!) - it came flooding back to me as soon as I saw it (sad, eh?)

03-18-2006, 04:11 PM	#766
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Well till I went back and reread. I was lost. Years ago I cound really shine as a pipefitter because of this. Think in early 80s I paid around 10 bucks for a calculator which would do this. Forgot the name, think it was a model 509 or 510. I never learned to do this on paper or by the trig tables in back of pipefitters books. Anyway you know the drill. Plus I can't spell this shit. cough-pythagoreantheorem-cough __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch. Last edited by busterb; 03-18-2006 at 04:14 PM.

03-18-2006, 05:04 PM	#768
Stress Puppy Elite Elitist Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Fresno, CA Posts: 359	A man goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. Doctor tells him he's sterile. Guy says, "But doc..you must be mistaken.. my wife is six months pregnant with my kid.. I can't be sterile." Doctor says, "I have a friend that hunts. Every year, never fails. One day he goes out to hunt and he comes across a beaver's dam. He settles in and waits, and eventually, he spots the beaver coming out of the water. He goes to take aim, but realizes that instead of his gun, he had accidentally brought his umbrella. Frustrated at the beauty of the shot, but lack of ability to follow through, he pretends to take aim and shouts, 'BANG!'. And wouldn't you know it, the beaver falls over dead right there. Now how do you suppose that hapepned?" The guy says, "Well, I'd have to say someone else shot that beaver." Doc says, "My point exactly." __________________ ~Stress Puppy~ Mundus vult decipi, ergo decipiatur

03-18-2006, 05:32 PM	#769
Iggy Back and ready to tart up the place Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Kansas Posts: 850	A little late, but in honor of Saint Patrick's Day Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." *** An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." * Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" the priest says. "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" "That he did, Father." "What did he ask, Mary? “He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...’” *** AND THE BEST FOR LAST A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either." __________________ Chock-full of naughty goodness.

03-18-2006, 10:30 PM	#770
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O'Furniture __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

03-20-2006, 01:28 AM	#771
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Italian Grandpa An Italian-American family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful!! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you." "Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'. And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!! Also a Federal Judge, retired for over 30 years, is still addressed as 'Your Honor'. And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me the fuckin Italian!" __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

03-21-2006, 12:38 PM	#772
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	At a world brewing conventio n , the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate." Auggie, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud." Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer , ferdamit. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke." Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon? Thanks." The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Paddy replies "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't adrinkin', then neither am I. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

03-22-2006, 11:16 AM	#773
plthijinx Master Dwellar Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 4,197	Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

03-22-2006, 12:22 PM	#774
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	As you liked the last one so much.... There was a little known tribe that lived in the jungles of Africa – civilised, to an extent, but not in our sense of the word - you know, all grass skirts, bones through noses, and huts made out of mud and grass. Well, they had a new chief, and new chiefs being what new chiefs will be, he wanted to make an impression. So he gave orders for a throne to be built for him, made from the finest materials that were available in the jungle. And so it was that the natives gathered wood and vines and elephant tusks and a variety of other materials and proceeded to build him the most enormous and elaborate thrown (thrown...? sheesh: throne!). He was well pleased. But then he realised he didn't have a special place to put his thrown (aaww, come on, spell it right,, for God's sake!). That was no good at all, so he gave order that he be built a new and grand house made from the finest grass, and, so that the throne (at last!) should be set in a place fitting its importance his natives were made to construct a sort of dais for the throne (OK, now we're talking...), rather like a second floor, for in fact he wanted to use the area under the dais as a (relatively-speaking) sumptuous bedroom. When the chief’s new hut was ready to have its roof fitted (but before this was done) the natives raised the throne by ropes and pulleys and laid it to rest on the dais. It looked splendid, and the chief was again well pleased. The roof was finally fitted placed over the total ensemble and the chief ordered a celebration to commemorate this achievement – the finest grass hut in the jungle, complete with throne and all mod cons (for natives living in the jungle that is). It was well past midnight when the partying finished, and the chief and his natives went yawning to their respective beds. But just before dawn there was this mighty crashing sound, and all the natives woke to discover that their chief’s new hut had collapsed under the weight of the thrown (oh. no, not again...) – the roof that had been added last proved just too much for the walls to bear – and worse still the chief lie crushed and perished under his new throne (redeemed myself!). Naturally, everyone was extremely sad - I mean the chief had only been around a few days. What a tragedy!, Still, as one of the natives quite rightly pointed out - it just went to show that people in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones. __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears Last edited by Cyclefrance; 03-22-2006 at 07:11 PM.

03-22-2006, 05:51 PM	#777
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	Anyone ever notice that the Scarecrow gets it wrong when he tries to recite that after getting his diploma at the end of "The Wizard of Oz"? __________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

03-22-2006, 07:05 PM	#778
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Can anyone remember how to prove pythagoras theorem using similar triangles... just asking.... __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

03-22-2006, 07:25 PM	#779
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	Remember? No. Google? Maybe #8? Or #13? __________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

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