What's upsetting you today?

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by anonymous

Our former cat, who is being fostered by our next door neighbor, is not doing well at all. He is entirely skin and bones.
He's starving and coming over to our house and staying outside in the rain because the young one won't let him in the house.
I wish I had popped a cap in the stray's ass when he was still an unfixed stray.
Is it really too late for him to have a misadventure?
I hold no love for my former cat, although I feel a bit of loyalty to him.
The new cat is also an asshole.

You gave a cat away to a neighbour, and admit you had no love for him.
You wish you'd killed another cat when it was convenient to do so.
I'm guessing you are not a cat person...?

So don't worry about it. The cat you disliked enough to abandon will starve to death, problem solved.

Your spouse might feel differently, but that's a whole other problem.

[BigV]

Originally Posted by Stormieweather

Orthodoc, sorry to hear about your marriage. My opinion is that when a marriage gets to the point where divorce is inevitable, those formerly important ideals such as love, loyalty, fairness, and sacrifice are lost. However much you feel them yourself, and your soon-to-be-ex partner claims to still feel them, fact is, they probably mostly went out the door before divorce was even considered. So protect yourself and whatever remnants of the relationship are left, and get legal representation.

I thought my divorce was civil and fair. I did the paperwork myself, he agreed to everything, which was slanted in his favor to get him to agree to a speedy end. Now, 10 years later, turns out he has been verbally stabbing me in the back to our daughter for years. As a result, any semblance of a relationship I have with her is in shreds due to his incessant trash-talking about me combined with normal teenage angst. So yeah. At this point, I almost wish I'd taken him to the cleaners (or at least gotten what was due me) instead of trying to "play fair" or be nice.

Hello again orthodoc.

Stormieweather's and others' advice to get a lawyer is sound advice. I agree. I got a lawyer too. It's helpful to understand what a lawyer can do for you (and some things a lawyer can't do for you).

A lawyer can deal with your stb-ex when you can't for whatever reason, sadness, anger, whatever. This is a great service. A lawyer knows the rules of (dis)engagement, and you probably don't, another great service. A lawyer can offer you another informed perspective on critical subjective areas like property division, parenting plans, etc. A lawyer can serve as a reality check when you're trying for something that isn't smart or possible or worthwhile. As mentioned by several other dwellars, a lawyer can serve as a defender for you.

A lawyer can not keep your stb-ex from being a jerk or an ass, not now and not in the future. A lawyer could not have prevented the unfortunate circumstance described by Stormieweather. That story is tragic, and being as civil as you can be is the best way I can think of to keep that kind of harm from coming to you or to your children. A lawyer is expensive. Seriously. Is it worth it? Probably. A lawyer's not your friend though, they're working for their/your money. Don't expect them to be your therapist. They'll listen, they'll bill you, but that's not their area of expertise.

There are formal ways to conduct a civil divorce, like mediation. I tried this, and it was only partly successful. I don't know what resources you have available in your area, but this was a good start for me/us. I recommend it. Mediation was a shared expense, and as such, the mediator isn't working *for* you or *for* him, but for the both of you. The parts that worked--half price legal opinions (we each paid half), it was civil, I gave, she gave, etc. You can still have your own lawyer (though not in the mediation, that's kind of defeating the purpose). It felt fair insofar as we both felt like we were giving more than we got-ish. It's worth checking out.

I slept on this post, and I rose and decided that I needed to add my voice to the others touting the value of getting a lawyer. Hang in there.

[orthodoc]

I spoke with a lawyer today. Don't know if I can afford her; hope so. If I don't get someone good I'm going to walk away from an abusive 28-year marriage and get thumped but good on my way out the door ... not something I want to look back on as I eat cat food in my waning years. When stb-x initially agreed to a divorce by mutual consent I was so relieved I didn't think I'd have a problem dividing things up by verbal agreement, leaving the lawyers out of it, and just GETTING OUT - asap. I couldn't believe I'd be free in 90 days.

And then stb-x started in on money, telling the kids he can't afford them anymore (some are still in college and can't get loans because of his income), nickel-and-diming me on every tiny thing, telling one of my sons he could expect no more support because I'm $$$$ of his money walking out the door and it'll take him five years to make that back.

These comments are the punctuation to a huge full court press campaign to 'win me back' and make me see how much I'll be missing. And endless attempts to guilt me, plus lots of crying and using me as his confidante. And I've been gritting my teeth and taking it so I'd get my divorce in 90 days, and then he takes the cash anyway. And I can see I'll suffer through all this and then just be screwed over in the end. But I can't make him too angry or he'll a) clean out the joint accounts, which hold ALL our funds, and he watches them like a hawk, or b) do something scary. He used to be very scary. Lately, not so much ... but I'm sort of trained to be afraid of him, I'm embarrassed to say. PTSD.

But today I talked to a lawyer and a financial advisor and got a realtor lined up to appraise the house while stb-x is at work, and I am going to look out for myself. Once I stop trembling.

[orthodoc]

Hit 'send' too soon ... meant to say thanks for the advice. You guys are right. And maybe integrity sometimes means taking steps for self-preservation.

[classicman]

Clean out the accounts. There isn't a damn thing he can do about it. Happened to me and several others I know.
Oh wait - that may not hold true for you. What state are you in?

[orthodoc]

Trouble is, both our incomes are direct-deposited into joint accounts ... I'm leaving in 2 weeks for a residency training program and probably can't get my employer's payroll office to switch the direct-deposit to another account before I go, knowing how slowly the wheels grind. I'd miss my last three pays if I emptied the accounts now. If push comes to shove, though, I'll do what I have to. In PA I'd be accountable for the funds - couldn't just make off with them. But at least I'd have cash to pay the bills until the fighting cooled down ...

[classicman]

2 suggestions from my experience -
1) STOP the Direct deposit immediately.
2) Talk to a lawyer about withdrawals from the account. Based upon my experience there is nothing your stb-ex can do about it and they will be doing it if you don't. This happens all the time. The one that does it first usually wins.

FTR - I am not a lawyer nor should my comments be construed as legal advice. (CMA)

Good luck.

[infinite monkey]

Good CMA.

(^That's what I meant and that's how it sounded in my head so I don't know why I wrote CMY...probably thinking of CYA vs CMA!)

I just finally figured out what stb means. I kept thinking it was short for 'stubborn'.

[DanaC]

lawl

[classicman]

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

Good CMA.

(^That's what I meant and that's how it sounded in my head so I don't know why I wrote CMY...probably thinking of CYA vs CMA!)

hahahaha - probably because thats what I wrote!
I'm blaming this damn mouse - frikkin HATE it!

[orthodoc]

Okay ... saddlin' up, workin' the confidence here ... going to have the house appraised this weekend while stb-x (sorry, soon-to-be-ex) is at work ... stop the direct deposit and get checks sent to my new address ... lawyer up (a challenge in this little town, where all the lawyers are general practice, take long lunches and longer weekends, and don't do nasty divorces) ... and take what's mine from the accounts. Then go for what's mine in the estate.

Sounds good in my head, just gotta work this plan. What could go wrong? Wish I were in WV already. I may be posting from a shelter next week ...

[orthodoc]

Yikes! Just heard back from another realtor. Getting TWO appraisals, one tomorrow night, one Sunday ... on a roll here ... (sorry, I know this is pathetic)

[classicman]

Go for it! Good luck.

[limey]

Orthdoc this is far from pathetic. I am so glad you've decided to be proactive - particularly about future deposits in the stb-not-shared account.
If you think you may need to find a shelter look into it now. You may not need it, which'd be great, but wouldn't it be very reassuring to have that information up your sleeve, just in case? I am sure that just knowing you have a plan to fall back on will give you a new firmness in your dealings with stbex which you will find very helpful in the circumstances.
And know that you have a Cellar-ful of friends cheering you on, here!

[DanaC]

Orthdoc, pathetic is absolutely the last word that comes to mind. Fucking go girl. Keep following the process, step at a time, let the momentum carry you along.

And I echo Limey's advice. Get details of a shelter now. I'd advise talking to them now and having them in the background for if crisis occurs.

Good luck. Though perhaps luck is the wrong word. Good journey.