What's upsetting you today?

[limey]

That's great news, ortho! And yes, please, do look after yourself.

[orthodoc]

Thanks ... I definitely don't want to end up like the ex-gf of a surgeon in Buffalo who was recently shot in a stairwell of the hospital they both worked at; his body was found near his lakeshore home a day or two ago. In fact, I'm beginning to wonder about the wisdom of going after all that I'm entitled to. I know he'll let me walk away with his version of what's fair, knowing I'll have to come back to him asking for money, maintaining control of both me and the kids. He's totally invested in the idea that I'll come back after my two years of training and we'll get back together. He wants to go to football games in my new town, spend weekends at a resort nearby, and take me to Mackinac Island next year. I've been stalked before, a long time ago, and it was terrifying. But until it happens I can't take action.

If I make it crystal clear that there's no chance of any future relationship or contact by taking an adversarial stance in the divorce, and then take a great deal of what he considers 'his', I just don't know what he'll do. I think the chances of extreme violence are low. But he's somewhat unstable, impulsive, and prone to dramatic gestures. Hopefully the worst he'd do would be to quit his job here and go back to Canada.

There isn't any basis for a PFA order right at the moment and he knows, basically, where I'll be living in WV. I'll be easy to find. I'm spending the afternoon mulling over the relative risks and benefits of each course of action, which unfortunately can't be quantified (the risks, anyway).

[orthodoc]

All right, enough mulling. After several hours spent keeping the peace on Father's Day/son #2's birthday I can honestly say: damn the torpedos, full speed ahead. What will be, will be. Not going to worry about it.

[classicman]

Atta girl!

[limey]

^^WHS^^ Good luck!

[classicman]

Originally Posted by orthodoc

This one's openness doesn't fill me with confidence, although honestly I don't see stb-x appearing there demanding to see me. He'd be too embarrassed; this is a very small town, he'd be recognized.

Thats exactly why you will be safer there. LOTS of witnesses.

But I do have the address and will use it if/when necessary.

Good, keep it handy.

[orthodoc]

Well, he's thrown me a big curve. Offered a very generous settlement and an immediate divorce (the earliest we could both sign is in about two weeks) to try to get me to stay civil. I'd like to be civil - until I'm safely out of the house. I'm not looking to take the scorched-earth route if I can avoid it, but I don't want to be pursued/stalked forever as he refuses to let go of me ... but that might happen no matter which route I take. I'm thinking maybe I should grab the offer and run ...

Am I being a gullible airhead here?

[BigV]

depends.

is "very generous" greater than or less than "what you're legally entitled to"?

How much value do you place on a promise of civility?

[limey]

What BigV said.

[ZenGum]

If it is a genuine offer and you could live with it, the (relatively) quick clean ending is possibly worth it. You only live once and the thought of wasting a year or two fighting out a divorce sounds unwise, when you could be getting on with your life.

Getting a lawyer to fight for every cent might cost more in fees and inflict months or years of stress and worry.

I'd get a lawyer to look over the settlement first to make sure there aren't any sneaky loopholes like shared debts and stuff, and to make sure it is honoured afterwards, but if it is something you could live with, maybe you should take it.

[Clodfobble]

Peace of mind and a clean break is worth a lot in my book. I would definitely have your lawyer make sure there are no hidden snarks in the offer like Zen said, but if it's a fair amount to live on, and drops the big custody threats, I'd take it in an instant. You don't need exactly half of everything; you need freedom.

[BigV]

Trust but verify.

These are words. Promises. What is his credibility? What are the contingencies? What makes you thing *this time you're gonna kick that ball, Charlie Brown!"? That stuff.

I totally agree with you Clodfobble when you say having exactly half of everything is not necessary--true. Fair should be a good starting point. My Dad used to tell me a good deal is a state of mind. You can change your state of mind easily. But what you get and what you avoid can both be valuable. What can you do to minimize the chance or effectiveness of the things you want to NOT happen, like being stalked, or being pursued?

Actually, that's probably a whole question by itself, irrespective of any offer or contingency. In Washington, we have serious laws against stalking. Is there something like that where you live orthodoc? I don't believe there are any laws against being shitty or being mean or being unfair or being an asshole. **sigh** I don't really wish there were, just... sometimes. Anyhow.

I'd get someone else to look over the offer, the WRITTEN offer, BEFORE you sign anything. Please don't sign anything until you've had someone else, like a lawyer, read it and explain it. Not just for a reality check, but for a booby trap check, or an unenforceable promise check, or other shit. Like the "shared debts" booby trap. Don't sign that one. Divide the debts. This one is MINE that one is YOURS, no joint anything and get that shit in writing. I'm not kidding about getting it in writing. The debt collectors will want their money and not care fuck all about whose wallet it's coming from.

Hang in there. Get someone to read the offer. Keep your cool. Stay in touch.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Promises are only promises, even when they are in writing. If he reneges on payment, it can be a long expensive road to collect. On the other hand, reneging on a court ordered payment is contempt of court.

[classicman]

Clod's brain again serves up the wise advice. Big V is also very aware as he and I both went through similar, but different (yeh I know) situations.

Take some time and think about it. Any chance he is hiding Piles of cash somewhere or? Does he own his own business or anything like that? Are there safety deposit boxes loaded with cash? There is much to consider and be aware of it all. Seek professional guidance. Good Luck!

[orthodoc]

Thanks for your thoughts and good advice. I was able to see my lawyer yesterday and his take was: it's a good settlement - far better than the last offer stbx made, and essentially fair to me. It doesn't give me anything I'm not actually entitled to and able to get with the help of a good lawyer, but it doesn't shaft me either.

He said, 'Could you get MORE? Yes. Should you go after it? Only you can answer that.'

My take was, I'm not looking for the last dollar and I'm not looking to destroy stbx's reputation here such that he has to leave this town and never be spoken to again by anyone who knows him. I'm not looking to spend the next three years of my life fighting unless it's necessary. I've been a hostage to this relationship for many years; I'd like to start my training program and my new life now - not fill my entire residency with hearings and rancorous back-and-forth and possibly creating enough rage in stbx that I'd end up in physical danger. Or have him hurt himself and live out that fallout with my kids and in this small community. My big question to the lawyer: is there something hidden or not included here that will hurt me? He says no.

I know there aren't hidden assets; I've done the finances long enough and seen the actual financial statements, met with the accountant, etc. He's a partner in a business that's a service corp, no assets, they drain the accounts every month. There's no business value. I have the keys to all the safety deposit boxes, but most importantly, I know all his sources of income and see it all in our accounts.

I will have this agreement put in proper legal terms and entered into the record as a court order so that it's contempt of court if he reneges. Stbx has agreed to that (he wants it now, because then he can write off the alimony he's proposed to pay while I'm in training).

I have no illusions about why stbx is doing this; it's for his benefit, as always. His top priority right now is keeping me somewhat civil, trying to make it possible to stay in touch. After I left last week, he put this out there to try to keep the lines of communication open. I'm not deluding myself that he's suddenly become a nice guy. But walking away without three years of fighting, being free in early July, is worth a lot. So I'm still mulling it over, but if it can work, I'll take this, I think. If he reneges or plays games before the next two weeks are done, I'll just take the other road with my lawyer and so be it. But long-term anger and fighting are draining. I'd rather conserve my energy and get on with my life.