Humor...I Need Humor...

[Iggy]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

But you were wrong.

Then I don't want to be right...

I love the funny and witty things here at the cellar, so I try to share the same with you.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I said you were wrong in thinking you're the only one that loves to post funny things.

[xoxoxoBruce]

After a long day at work, a man realized it was his anniversary.
He raced to Victoria's Secret and asked for the sheerest thing they had.
He purchased the nightgown for $400 and raced home.
He ran inside and told his wife, "Go upstairs and put this on."

She went upstairs and opened her gift.
She lifted the gown out and was stunned that it was transparent.
She figured it would be just as good to just walk downstairs naked because her husband wouldn't even notice, and she could return the gown for a refund in the morning.
As she walked down the stairs, the husband exclaimed, "Damn—for $400, you'd think they'd at least iron the damn thing!"

[dar512]

Walking through the jungle, a hunter found a dead rhino with a Pygmy standing proudly beside it. Amazed, the hunter asked, "Did you kill that rhino?" Why, yes, said the Pygmy. I killed it with my club. The astonished hunter exclaimed, "Wow! How big is your club?" The Pygmy replied, "There are about 90 of us."

[ferret88]

Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on
food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers
saw an old Norwegian sitting beneath a tree.

"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill
und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon
tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, n bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Norwegian said.
"So why did he say not to go there?," a person asked.
Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Norwegian people - they lie
just for a joke."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly,
Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader
who manages to escape and get back to the old Norwegian.

Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths. We
followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of
Indians who killed everyone but me."

The old Norwegian man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute."
He quickly picks up an English-Norwegian dictionary and begins
thumbing through it.

Oof-da, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree, it vuz
a ham bush."

[skysidhe]

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
--Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

[wolf]

Interesting recreation of the cartoon, to say the least.

I have a vague sense that the original was a Callahan.

I love Callahan. "Do Not Disturb Any Further" is one of my personal favorites.

[Torrere]

Scream, by Banksy

[xoxoxoBruce]

Bush Says Paralysis of Iraqi Government a Sign of Democracy
The president hails partisan wrangling and inaction.

April 4, 2006 - President George W. Bush said that the infighting and partisan wrangling that have brought the Iraqi government to a standstill are "signs that true democracy has taken root in Iraq."

At a White House briefing, Bush said the fact that the newly formed government of Iraq is in the grip of paralysis shows that American-style democracy can be successfully exported to a Middle Eastern nation. "It took the United States government hundreds of years to attain the level of inactivity we currently enjoy," Bush told reporters. "The Iraqi people have achieved that in just a matter of months."

While Bush praised the Iraqis for establishing such key democratic institutions as partisan squabbling and gridlock, he cautioned that much work needs to be done before Iraq can be considered a true democracy. "Iraq still has not had a major campaign fundraising scandal," he noted.

He said that key elements of a democracy, such as indicted lawmakers and disgraced lobbyists, were still largely missing from Iraq's political landscape and need to take root there. In order to kick-start those democratic institutions, Bush said he was sending Rep. Tom DeLay (R-Tex) to Iraq to teach Iraqi legislators how to become indicted and disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff to teach Iraqi lobbyists how to disgrace themselves.

"Only when Iraq has its own disgraced lobbyists and a president who denies ever knowing them can it be considered a truly democratic nation," Mr. Bush said.

[sandypossum]

A very attractive blonde goes up to the bar. She gestures alluringly to the bar tender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly, stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, I'm not," says the man.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak with him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to nip them gently.

"What should I tell him??" the bartender manages to say while nibbling her delicate fingers.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies’ room."

[Cyclefrance]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to
putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans retort
unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5
persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have fivea people ina your car and you are
thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily: "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I
vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy with a 2
guys in a Fiat Uno."

[dar512]

A little music humor:

C, an E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.

The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

[Kagen4o4]

a C walks into a bar and says "ding"

[skysidhe]

You know you grew up in the 1970's, 1980's if....

You had plastic streamers on your handle bars


You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide


You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THRU THE HEART


You cut your t-shirts in half and wore it with your
homemade Levi shorts..(the shorter the better)


You had a mullet!

Concert tickets were 7 dollars

[jinx]

Mekka Lekka Hi, Mekka Heiny Ho.