Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 56

DiscoFever · 04-21-2006, 08:19 PM

I haven't read the whole thread so I'm sorry if this is a repost.

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are
washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what,
young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the
exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will
give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse
and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The
farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he
sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows
the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn..... third gay rooster I bought this month."

JayMcGee · 04-21-2006, 08:43 PM

A German guy approaches a prostitute.

"I vish to buy sex viz you."

"OK," says the girl, "I charge £20 an hour."

"..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do little kinky."

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large

bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees."

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had

said, to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees."

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the

energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is

several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

"That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?"

"Ah," says the German . . ."zat is ze........

Four-sprung Duck Technique.

xoxoxoBruce · 04-21-2006, 11:11 PM

WTF was that about?

Awww, the link to part 1 is broken, Jinx.

wolf · 04-22-2006, 02:55 AM

Jay, I think your pun is missing.

Not that that's a bad thing, necessarily ...

Cyclefrance · 04-22-2006, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolf

Jay, I think your pun is missing.

Not that that's a bad thing, necessarily ...

Vorsprung Durch Technik - Audi signature....

wolf · 04-22-2006, 12:59 PM

Innovation through Technology. Okay. Uh. Yeah. But what about the duck?

jinx · 04-22-2006, 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Awww, the link to part 1 is broken, Jinx.

1&2
Scroll all the way down for the rest.

xoxoxoBruce · 04-22-2006, 05:04 PM

Thank you, Jinx.

Audi, huh. hmmm...

DiscoFever · 04-22-2006, 08:17 PM

What is the difference between girls/woman
aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You put her in bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

cableguy · 04-23-2006, 10:23 PM

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they
hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling
could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out
of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of
the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief,
the man died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went
straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he
will be back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried
upside
down......."

Dee · 04-24-2006, 06:52 AM

Tip for Men
'A man has never been shot while doing the dishes'

Two irish men are adrift in a small boat out in the ocean with no paddles and no land in site. One of them sees a bottle floating in the water and plucks it out. when they open the bottle a genie appears and grants them one wish. before the first guy can say a word the second pipes up with i wish that the ocean was made of guinness the genie says done and disappears. looking around they see that the ocean is truly made of guinness. the first irish man slaps the second very hard across the back of the head and cries you fool what have you done now we will have to piss in the boat.

Cyclefrance · 04-25-2006, 05:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolf

Innovation through Technology. Okay. Uh. Yeah. But what about the duck?

Well clearly the wolf didn't get it!

thrillhouse · 04-25-2006, 05:43 PM

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

04-25-2006, 05:44 PM

I have some raunchy ones, where do I post em'?

capnhowdy · 04-25-2006, 07:23 PM

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten
roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot
and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different
tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old
Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county
fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result:

The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well. Clearly Butch
was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't looking.

04-21-2006, 08:43 PM	#827
JayMcGee Cardigan-wearing man Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Much Binding In The Marsh Posts: 1,082	A German guy approaches a prostitute. "I vish to buy sex viz you." "OK," says the girl, "I charge £20 an hour." "..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky." "No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees." The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs. "You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you." She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?" "Ah," says the German . . ."zat is ze........ Four-sprung Duck Technique. __________________ I like wearing cardigans...... my current favourite is an orange cable-knit with real leatherette buttons.

04-21-2006, 11:11 PM	#828
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	WTF was that about? Awww, the link to part 1 is broken, Jinx. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. Last edited by xoxoxoBruce; 04-21-2006 at 11:17 PM.

04-22-2006, 02:55 AM	#829
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Jay, I think your pun is missing. Not that that's a bad thing, necessarily ... __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

04-22-2006, 12:59 PM	#831
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Innovation through Technology. Okay. Uh. Yeah. But what about the duck? __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

04-22-2006, 05:04 PM	#833
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Thank you, Jinx. Audi, huh. hmmm... __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

04-21-2006, 08:19 PM	#826
DiscoFever My Balls Sparkle Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: South Australia Posts: 21	I haven't read the whole thread so I'm sorry if this is a repost. A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn..... third gay rooster I bought this month."

04-22-2006, 08:17 PM	#834
DiscoFever My Balls Sparkle Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: South Australia Posts: 21	What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ? At 8 -- You put her in bed and tell her a story. At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story! At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

04-23-2006, 10:23 PM	#835
cableguy Elite Elitist Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 341	An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, the man died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he will be back to haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......."

04-24-2006, 06:52 AM	#836
Dee Disorderly Disciplinarian Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Kalgoorlie Posts: 21	Tip for Men 'A man has never been shot while doing the dishes' Two irish men are adrift in a small boat out in the ocean with no paddles and no land in site. One of them sees a bottle floating in the water and plucks it out. when they open the bottle a genie appears and grants them one wish. before the first guy can say a word the second pipes up with i wish that the ocean was made of guinness the genie says done and disappears. looking around they see that the ocean is truly made of guinness. the first irish man slaps the second very hard across the back of the head and cries you fool what have you done now we will have to piss in the boat. __________________ Its better to light a candle then curse the dark.

04-25-2006, 05:43 PM	#838
thrillhouse spoonful of bologna Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: salvation holdout central Posts: 333	Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic? __________________ i'm drinking stars

04-25-2006, 05:44 PM	#839
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	I have some raunchy ones, where do I post em'?

04-25-2006, 07:23 PM	#840
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result: The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't looking. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

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