Humor...I Need Humor...

[Linus]

stop me if you've heard these...

"what do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you done told the B* twice"

"What do 5,000 women at a battered womans convention have in common? None of them F*N listen"

"what do you call to mexicans playing basketball? juan on juan"

"2 neutrons are walking down the street. they accidentally bump into each other, one falls down. the one standing asks "are you ok?" the second says "yeah im fine" the first says "are you sure?" the second says "yes Im positive"

i got jokes out the yin yang...but im to lazy

[skysidhe]

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Go here. It's choke full of funnies.
http://www.stargazersrealm.com/funnies.html

[romuh doog]

A man driving through the desert stops at the first bar he's seen in over 200 miles. Dusty and tired he manages to get through the door of the old saloon to find quite a luxurious two story oasis inside. He sits down, orders a beer finding most everyone inside a friendly sort.

After a few beers he asks the bartender which door leads to the bathroom. The bartender says "Make sure you take the one on the right pal, the owner went to Florida a few years ago and brought back a real alligator. Keeps him chained to the porch out back. He used to be pretty friendly, but the owner kept feeding him candy and now he's got a rotten tooth and he is really mean". The man thanks him, uses the facilities and orders another beer.

A few more beers later the man spies a pickle jar full of $100 bills next to the register. He asks the bartender what in the world that is all about. "Well." replies the bartender "We have a bet in these parts been going on for a few years, see we got us a little whore house here and we got a whore that ain't never been satisfied."

"I'm not sure I understand you." Says the ma. "All I have to do is satisfy the whore and I get the money; sounds easy to me!"

"No." The bartender says shaking his head. "You have to pull that alligators rotten tooth too. Then the whole jar of money is yours".

The man sits a few hours more, drinking and pondering the treasure of the pickle jar decides he could satisfy the whore. He downs more beer, a few shots, and finally works up the courage, puts his $100.00 on the bar, and in a flash heads out the back door to tackle the alligator.

For ten minutes the most awful screams and slamming noises could be heard all over the bar. Furniture breaking, clothes ripping and then silence except for the back door swinging wide open to reveal the man, standing in shreaded clothes, sweat pouring off his brow, heart pounding, trying to catch his breath. Then he belts out

"All right...now where is the whore with the bad tooth?"

[thrillhouse]

Children Writing About The Sea:

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

[Kagen4o4]

Originally Posted by Iggy

Apparantly I am the only one who loves to post funny things...

Either that, or they aren't as funny as I had first thought. He is another one anyway. I hope you enjoy it...



A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better ones."


1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)


2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves to chargers. (Christopher age 7)


3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)


4 If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)


5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)


6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)


7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)


8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans (William age 7)


9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)


10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

WHOOOPS

[capnhowdy]

My youngest son returning from a bb gun hunting excursion: " I almost saw a deer!"

[thrillhouse]

sent to me by my mom (who has recently retired to Texas)

TEXAS AIR CONTROL TOWER

Dallas ATC: "Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you, Dallas . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised "

Dallas ATC " Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great "

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC - DALLAS ATC"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE.

Dallas ATC: Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?

Moral: (DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS ! )

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

My youngest son returning from a bb gun hunting excursion: " I almost saw a deer!"

LOL... don't know about the deer where you live, but here in FL you shoot a deer with a BB gun you are likely to learn a lasting lesson.

[capnhowdy]

Compared to a Ga. whitetail, Fla. deer appear to be small enough to actually KILL with a BB gun. No offense.

[mrnoodle]

Bah. Come to Colorado if you want to see a deer. Those little swamp rats you have down there don't even make a bite.

[Shocker]

I shot Bambi's dad

[xoxoxoBruce]

I gave Bambi's mom a shot.

[capnhowdy]

I don't shoot at deer. They're unarmed.

[romuh doog]

I had a stripper named Bambi call my house once at 3:00 in the morning looking for a rebel flag thong salesman.

[thrillhouse]

Originally Posted by romuh doog

I had a stripper named Bambi call my house once at 3:00 in the morning looking for a rebel flag thong salesman.

sounds promising as a future springer episode.