Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 65

xoxoxoBruce · 06-14-2006, 04:51 PM

that's OK, kingfisher, welcome to the Cellar.

kingfisher · 06-15-2006, 04:51 AM

Thanks XO

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a
priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of
many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
xaid, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar."

Tse Moana · 06-15-2006, 06:30 AM

LOL!

unowen · 06-15-2006, 02:21 PM

A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff --
grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

xoxoxoBruce · 06-15-2006, 05:09 PM

Welcome to the Celar, unowen.

Pie · 06-16-2006, 10:19 AM

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma or his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was nearly in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...

"&%^$ off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

footfootfoot · 06-16-2006, 11:19 AM

274

skysidhe · 06-16-2006, 11:23 AM

haha pie, that was a good one.

something funny. stereotypical but funny and too big to post here as an image

http://www.absolutely-funny-humor.co...a%20Sheet.html

Pie · 06-16-2006, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

274

?

Pie · 06-16-2006, 02:43 PM

So there's these two tall trees, a birch and a beech, growing in the forest. A little sapling is growing in between them, and the birch says to the beech, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The beech replies, "I don't know, can't rightly tell from here..." Just then a woodpecker flits nearby, and the birch calls out, "Hello, woodpecker! You being an expert on trees and all, would you please fly on down there and tell us if that there sprig is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

"Why, sure!" says the woodpecker, and he flies on down, and takes a little taste of the sapling, and he replies, "That, dear sirs, is neither a son of a beech, nor a son of a birch - it is, however, the sweetest peice of ash I've ever put my pecker in!"

xoxoxoBruce · 06-16-2006, 06:08 PM

xoxoxoBruce · 06-17-2006, 07:49 AM

A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."

Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass.
When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar."

Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

kingfisher · 06-17-2006, 05:18 PM

Have you hear the one about the queer bear?

He laid his Pa on the table.

footfootfoot · 06-18-2006, 10:14 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by footfootfoot
274

?
_________
An old joke about guys in prison It's all quiet then
one of them yells "53" and the whole place busts up laughing. The
new guy doesn't get it and asks what's going on. They explain:
"We've all been here so long we just number the jokes."

The next day he says "274" and silence. He asks why no one laughed,
and they say "because you've got lousy delivery and no sense of timing.

Iggy · 06-21-2006, 03:29 PM

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

06-14-2006, 04:51 PM	#961
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	that's OK, kingfisher, welcome to the Cellar. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-15-2006, 04:51 AM	#962
kingfisher Neophyte-in-training Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Canada Posts: 3	MY DAD IS A FATHER Thanks XO A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and xaid, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

06-15-2006, 05:09 PM	#965
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Welcome to the Celar, unowen. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-16-2006, 10:19 AM	#966
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma or his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was nearly in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife... "&%^$ off" she said, "they're for the funeral." __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

06-16-2006, 11:19 AM	#967
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	274 __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

06-15-2006, 06:30 AM	#963
Tse Moana You're just jealous 'cause the little voices talk to me Join Date: May 2006 Location: Netherlands Posts: 203	LOL!

06-15-2006, 02:21 PM	#964
unowen and kinda like it that way Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Washington state Posts: 1	A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk." The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

06-16-2006, 11:23 AM	#968
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	haha pie, that was a good one. something funny. stereotypical but funny and too big to post here as an image http://www.absolutely-funny-humor.co...a%20Sheet.html

06-16-2006, 02:43 PM	#970
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	One of my favorites: So there's these two tall trees, a birch and a beech, growing in the forest. A little sapling is growing in between them, and the birch says to the beech, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The beech replies, "I don't know, can't rightly tell from here..." Just then a woodpecker flits nearby, and the birch calls out, "Hello, woodpecker! You being an expert on trees and all, would you please fly on down there and tell us if that there sprig is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" "Why, sure!" says the woodpecker, and he flies on down, and takes a little taste of the sapling, and he replies, "That, dear sirs, is neither a son of a beech, nor a son of a birch - it is, however, the sweetest peice of ash I've ever put my pecker in!" __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

06-16-2006, 06:08 PM	#971
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	__________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-17-2006, 07:49 AM	#972
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married." Her mother says, "Oy, that's great." She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab." Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great." She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives." Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar." Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-17-2006, 05:18 PM	#973
kingfisher Neophyte-in-training Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Canada Posts: 3	Oy Xo Have you hear the one about the queer bear? He laid his Pa on the table.

06-18-2006, 10:14 PM	#974
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Quote: Originally Posted by footfootfoot 274 ? _________ An old joke about guys in prison It's all quiet then one of them yells "53" and the whole place busts up laughing. The new guy doesn't get it and asks what's going on. They explain: "We've all been here so long we just number the jokes." The next day he says "274" and silence. He asks why no one laughed, and they say "because you've got lousy delivery and no sense of timing. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

06-21-2006, 03:29 PM	#975
Iggy Back and ready to tart up the place Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Kansas Posts: 850	Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." __________________ Chock-full of naughty goodness.

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