Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 9

zippyt · 02-14-2004, 08:53 PM

Quote:

Troubleshooter said We only kept marines around to carry our shit. We didn't even need them for security.

A bunch of sea going bellhops

Only needed them to carry your shit ??? Who delivered our beans and bullets ???? Answer the Squids .
Who toted us from place to place ?? the squids .
nothing more than grocery toteing bus drivers !!!!

We didn't even need them for security ???? Uh when I was in the way NORTH atlantic for year provideing security for navy outposts , it was VERRRRRRRRY evedent that you guys needed leading about by the hand when it came to security ,,,, just ask the crypto tech that shit his pants and burned up a whole row of code mechines just because he was hot and proped open a door . I poked my head in to see why the door was open , he spotted me and FREAKED .. Major shit over that incedent , BUT i was following orders , he cought the shit over that one .

Bell hops ???? Who was wearing the bell bottoms and upside down dog bowl 's ??????? Did you even have liberty cuffs on your blues ????

Oh and SYC , i guess you could say i was one of the crasy ones . But hey SOME body HAS to do it , and i was proud to serv my country .

Troubleshooter , just ragging on ya , nothing personal , not my fault you desided to join the squids , but hey we needed the drivers as we were to busy learning how to blow shit up "REAL GOOD !!!!!!"

mrnoodle · 02-14-2004, 09:21 PM

^^^^^^^^^

Quote:

Originally posted by mrnoodle
Plus, marines are nuts.

What's funny is, I can incite flamewars between my marine and army friends in bars, too. They always get real pissed off, then drink a bunch and end up with their arms around each other's shoulders at the end of the night.

Makes me wish I had joined the service when I had the chance. They have this camaraderie us civilians can't fully comprehend. But at the time, I wanted to fly planes and my eyesight wouldn't allow it.

Of course, I found out later that nobody likes the pilots anyway, so I'd still be out of the loop. lol

zippyt · 02-14-2004, 09:39 PM

Quote:

mrnoodle said ,What's funny is, I can incite flamewars between my marine and army friends in bars, too. They always get real pissed off, then drink a bunch and end up with their arms around each other's shoulders at the end of the night.
They have this camaraderie us civilians can't fully comprehend.
,

Yeppers , we all rag on each other about what service each other joined , Its all good , its ALL part of it , but we ALL "sold our soul to the Devil for a while " .

Quote:

And But at the time, I wanted to fly planes and my eyesight wouldn't allow it. Of course, I found out later that nobody likes the pilots anyway, so I'd still be out of the loop. lol

Oh those Zoomie basterds have their own loop we grunts ain't allowed to assoiate with .

xoxoxoBruce · 02-24-2004, 08:25 AM

A twelve year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection.
A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who's lying on the ground in a pool of blood.
She gently cradles the boy's head in her arms and whispers, "Do you need a priest?"
The boy moans, "How you can think of sex at a time like this?"

funkykule · 02-24-2004, 10:15 AM

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations >>10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN !!!, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.

funkykule · 02-24-2004, 10:20 AM

dont tut tut me i'm new

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of
strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps
out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then
wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

Undertoad · 02-24-2004, 10:23 AM

Snopes says false on the lighthouse story! I knew I'd heard that one before. Snopes has the exact same text except that it's between an American and a Canadian and has a different date.

funkykule · 02-24-2004, 10:33 AM

my apologies!

russotto · 02-24-2004, 01:35 PM

A communication between an Egyption and a Macedonian, communicating with signal fires:

Egyptian: Please divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision

Macedonian: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees north to avoid a collision.

Egyptian: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

Macedonian: This is the Captain of a Macedonian Navy warship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Egyptian: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Macedonian: This is the FLAGSHIP of the MACEDONIAN NAVY, carrying ALEXANDER son of Phillip. We've got a whole LOT of soldiers who are REALLY bored out of their minds, not to mention some REAL good archers, so YOU divert YOUR course.

Egyptians: This is Pharos. Your call.

Shattered Soul · 02-24-2004, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by xoxoxoBruce
A twelve year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection.
A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who's lying on the ground in a pool of blood.
She gently cradles the boy's head in her arms and whispers, "Do you need a priest?"
The boy moans, "How you can think of sex at a time like this?"

Dude, that's just WRONG. Funny, but WRONG.

Shattered Soul · 02-24-2004, 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by funkykule
dont tut tut me i'm new

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of
strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps
out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then
wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

Am I the only one who thinks that's "Dude, Where's My Car" funny?

Undertoad · 02-24-2004, 03:15 PM

There's also Louis C.K.'s "Bad Jokes", a section of his website that he started when he realized how it's hard to write an intentionally bad joke.

- What do you call a dog that doesn't lick his balls?
-- A Dogsn't

- Why can't a soldier look wistfully at the ocean?
-- Because there's no gaze in the military.

See, they're BAD jokes.

- What should you use to write down that you just took a dump?
-- A number 2 pencil.

Troubleshooter · 02-24-2004, 04:14 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by zippyt

Troubleshooter , just ragging on ya , nothing personal , not my fault you desided to join the squids , but hey we needed the drivers as we were to busy learning how to blow shit up "REAL GOOD !!!!!!"

That's why I joined the Submarine Fleet.

Swift, silent, deadly.

And speaking of blowing shit up real good, that's why we carry
these

When you care enough to send the very best...

Edit: made the link work right

Shattered Soul · 02-24-2004, 08:53 PM

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed
him for ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings
along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where
the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to
the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure
if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull
the trigger!"

Shattered Soul · 02-24-2004, 08:55 PM

Here's one that registers on the ick-o-meter. For those of you who get the willies thinking of your parents doing it, pass this one up

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active!

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-
burn."

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section
of the May issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Craft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."

02-24-2004, 08:25 AM	#124
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A twelve year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection. A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who's lying on the ground in a pool of blood. She gently cradles the boy's head in her arms and whispers, "Do you need a priest?" The boy moans, "How you can think of sex at a time like this?" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-24-2004, 01:35 PM	#129
russotto Professor Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 1,788	The original lighthouse humor A communication between an Egyption and a Macedonian, communicating with signal fires: Egyptian: Please divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision Macedonian: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees north to avoid a collision. Egyptian: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision. Macedonian: This is the Captain of a Macedonian Navy warship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Egyptian: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Macedonian: This is the FLAGSHIP of the MACEDONIAN NAVY, carrying ALEXANDER son of Phillip. We've got a whole LOT of soldiers who are REALLY bored out of their minds, not to mention some REAL good archers, so YOU divert YOUR course. Egyptians: This is Pharos. Your call.

02-24-2004, 08:53 PM	#134
Shattered Soul Shuttered and locked Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 97	A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!" __________________ I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad...the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had....

02-24-2004, 08:55 PM	#135
Shattered Soul Shuttered and locked Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 97	Here's one that registers on the ick-o-meter. For those of you who get the willies thinking of your parents doing it, pass this one up Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active! 10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor. 9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass. 8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture- burn." 7. Granny found cuffed to her walker. 6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints. 5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice. 4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith. 3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of the May issue of Hustler. 2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies. 1. Craft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style." __________________ I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad...the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had....

02-24-2004, 10:15 AM	#125
funkykule professional bowler Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 134	This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations >>10-10-98. IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course. BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN !!!, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.

02-24-2004, 10:20 AM	#126
funkykule professional bowler Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 134	dont tut tut me i'm new Knock, knock. Who's there? The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital. A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family. Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem. What do you call a cat with no tail? A manx cat. Why do undertakers wear ties? Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas. How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? One. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed. Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.' Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off. Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

02-24-2004, 10:23 AM	#127
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Snopes says false on the lighthouse story! I knew I'd heard that one before. Snopes has the exact same text except that it's between an American and a Canadian and has a different date.

02-24-2004, 10:33 AM	#128
funkykule professional bowler Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 134	my apologies!

02-24-2004, 03:15 PM	#132
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	There's also Louis C.K.'s "Bad Jokes", a section of his website that he started when he realized how it's hard to write an intentionally bad joke. - What do you call a dog that doesn't lick his balls? -- A Dogsn't - Why can't a soldier look wistfully at the ocean? -- Because there's no gaze in the military. See, they're BAD jokes. - What should you use to write down that you just took a dump? -- A number 2 pencil.

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