Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 91

Drax · 07-30-2007, 10:52 PM

I have one I heard on a Whoopi Goldberg's special on Bravo, but I'm hesitant to repeat it cuz it involves the N-word.

xoxoxoBruce · 07-31-2007, 06:23 AM

Do it. We're equal opportunity offenders.

Rexmons · 07-31-2007, 11:16 AM

A Jewish boy asks his father one day "Father, can I please have fifty dollars?" To which the father replied "Fourty dollars! What are you going to do with thirty dollars!"

Radar · 07-31-2007, 01:33 PM

Actually it's "Forty dollars? What do you want thirty dollars for? There's no way I'm going to give you twenty dollars." and he has to get out quickly before he owes dad some money.

Drax · 07-31-2007, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Do it. We're equal opportunity offenders.

Okie Dokey:

A little black man goes to heaven, and gets his wings. He then asks God "Am I an angel?" And God says "No nigga, you a bat."

Don' hit me.

xoxoxoBruce · 08-04-2007, 08:51 PM

Two cattle drovers standing in an outback Aussie bar.
One asked, "What ya up to, Mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah... what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

DanaC · 08-04-2007, 09:14 PM

How many Stalinists does it take to change a lightbulb?

BrianR · 08-09-2007, 03:51 AM

http://www.counterfeitmini.com/main.swf

BrianR · 08-09-2007, 09:15 AM

This isn't a joke per se, but it was so funny I have to share it.

Last night I was in the diner having a late supper with a few other drivers and there was a non-trucker sitting in our reserved area. OK. No big deal, we don't care really. But then he starts listening in to our conversation which happened to deal with braking distances and how they differ from smaller vehicles. All of a sudden he just pops out with "You know, I just don't understand why big rigs can't stop like a car...after all, you have 18 brakes!"

Total silence ensues around him and spreads through the whole area as what he said is passed along. He got this dumb look on his face as he looked around at everyone staring at him and he says "What?" It was a priceless Kodak moment. Too bad I left my camera in the truck.

Then the snickering started. It spread to total laughter and this schmuck couldn't understand what was so funny! He finally got up and scooted out of there as fast as he could. That story is STILL being retold by the waitresses and drivers.

I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.

BrianR · 08-15-2007, 01:55 AM

THE FRANK FELDMAN STORY

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened
like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank
Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a
woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow."

Aliantha · 08-15-2007, 03:42 AM

Three women and three men are travelling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter.

skysidhe · 08-16-2007, 01:18 PM

Shawnee123 · 08-16-2007, 06:33 PM

At HLJ's request, joke repost:

Man is riding the bus. There is an old lady with an umbrella sitting across the aisle. Every now and then, the bus driver looks in his big rearview mirror, puts his hand around his throat, and makes gurgly noises. Each time, the little old lady gets out of her seat, hits the driver over the head with the umbrella, and goes to sit back down. This goes on for a few stops. The lady finally disembarks. The man can't stand his curiosity, so he moves up front and says to the driver "what in the world was going on with you and that old lady?" The driver replies "Oh, her daughter got strangled to death last week and I like to tease her about it."

skysidhe · 08-17-2007, 09:59 AM

Once in a while (actually, it happens quite often) one runs across a coworker, acquaintance, or total stranger who uses words without knowing what they actually mean. For example, one time I had a supervisor who laughed at a coworker who was not familiar with the frescos of the Sistine Chapel. In breaking the news to this coworker, he said, "How can you not know what the Sixteenth Chapel is?". At first I couldn't believe my ears, but I composed myself, and tried to confirm what my ears had heard. So I asked him to repeat the name of the fresco. This time he deliberately pronounced each syllable slowly so that I could really learn; "It's the Sixteenth Chapel", he said.

DanaC · 08-18-2007, 05:54 PM

*chuckles* little things like that niggle. I had a friend at work who was forever describing people as a 'mind of useful information' :P

Thing is most of us have something like that which we misheard/understood as a child and have never been corrected on.

Now, as an adult, because he is expecting to hear sixteen, he hears sixteen.

07-31-2007, 06:23 AM	#1352
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Do it. We're equal opportunity offenders. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

07-31-2007, 11:16 AM	#1353
Rexmons - Kavkaz United - Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 613	A Jewish boy asks his father one day "Father, can I please have fifty dollars?" To which the father replied "Fourty dollars! What are you going to do with thirty dollars!" __________________ "Life's a bitch but God forbid the bitch divorce me..."

07-31-2007, 01:33 PM	#1354
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Actually it's "Forty dollars? What do you want thirty dollars for? There's no way I'm going to give you twenty dollars." and he has to get out quickly before he owes dad some money. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

08-04-2007, 08:51 PM	#1356
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Two cattle drovers standing in an outback Aussie bar. One asked, "What ya up to, Mate?" "Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah... what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

08-09-2007, 03:51 AM	#1358
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	slap this guy silly http://www.counterfeitmini.com/main.swf __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

07-30-2007, 10:52 PM	#1351
Drax Banned Join Date: May 2007 Location: Gallman, MS, USA Posts: 1,933	I have one I heard on a Whoopi Goldberg's special on Bravo, but I'm hesitant to repeat it cuz it involves the N-word.

08-04-2007, 09:14 PM	#1357
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	How many Stalinists does it take to change a lightbulb?

08-09-2007, 09:15 AM	#1359
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	This isn't a joke per se, but it was so funny I have to share it. Last night I was in the diner having a late supper with a few other drivers and there was a non-trucker sitting in our reserved area. OK. No big deal, we don't care really. But then he starts listening in to our conversation which happened to deal with braking distances and how they differ from smaller vehicles. All of a sudden he just pops out with "You know, I just don't understand why big rigs can't stop like a car...after all, you have 18 brakes!" Total silence ensues around him and spreads through the whole area as what he said is passed along. He got this dumb look on his face as he looked around at everyone staring at him and he says "What?" It was a priceless Kodak moment. Too bad I left my camera in the truck. Then the snickering started. It spread to total laughter and this schmuck couldn't understand what was so funny! He finally got up and scooted out of there as fast as he could. That story is STILL being retold by the waitresses and drivers. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

08-15-2007, 01:55 AM	#1360
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	THE FRANK FELDMAN STORY A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." Passenger. "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow." __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

08-15-2007, 03:42 AM	#1361
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Three women and three men are travelling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men. "Watch and learn," answers one of the women. They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man. "Watch and learn," answer the women. When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please." I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

08-16-2007, 01:18 PM	#1362
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828

08-16-2007, 06:33 PM	#1363
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	At HLJ's request, joke repost: Man is riding the bus. There is an old lady with an umbrella sitting across the aisle. Every now and then, the bus driver looks in his big rearview mirror, puts his hand around his throat, and makes gurgly noises. Each time, the little old lady gets out of her seat, hits the driver over the head with the umbrella, and goes to sit back down. This goes on for a few stops. The lady finally disembarks. The man can't stand his curiosity, so he moves up front and says to the driver "what in the world was going on with you and that old lady?" The driver replies "Oh, her daughter got strangled to death last week and I like to tease her about it." __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

08-17-2007, 09:59 AM	#1364
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	No That's Not Ironic! Once in a while (actually, it happens quite often) one runs across a coworker, acquaintance, or total stranger who uses words without knowing what they actually mean. For example, one time I had a supervisor who laughed at a coworker who was not familiar with the frescos of the Sistine Chapel. In breaking the news to this coworker, he said, "How can you not know what the Sixteenth Chapel is?". At first I couldn't believe my ears, but I composed myself, and tried to confirm what my ears had heard. So I asked him to repeat the name of the fresco. This time he deliberately pronounced each syllable slowly so that I could really learn; "It's the Sixteenth Chapel", he said. Last edited by skysidhe; 08-17-2007 at 10:00 AM. Reason: not my story

08-18-2007, 05:54 PM	#1365
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	chuckles little things like that niggle. I had a friend at work who was forever describing people as a 'mind of useful information' :P Thing is most of us have something like that which we misheard/understood as a child and have never been corrected on. Now, as an adult, because he is expecting to hear sixteen, he hears sixteen.

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