Random Ramblings
 

Well, sorry if this is the wrong place to ramble...if it is, just flog me.

I just got a stern "lecture" by my father about my life and the direction it's going in. It all started out by him asking me how much he thinks I could afford in a car payment (seeing as how my current one should have been shot and put out of its misery some time ago). I never asked for help in getting a new car, nor did I even say that I was looking for a new car? He asked me if I could afford $150/Month...which after a few seconds of thinking, I told him that I could easily do that. He then told me that if he (which later he corrects himself to saying mostly my mother) helps me get a new car, that I am not allowed to go and tear it up like I did the other ones (My first car, a hand-me-down from my mother, was a Nissan Sentra, and my current one is a Ford Escort) and I can't put any speaker systems or anything in them (I did this in the Nissan because, as I had told him before, _NONE_ of the factory speakers worked. Zip. Zero. Nada.) (And I guess I tore up my current car by letting that damned dear hit me! I guess I should've known better than to be driving somewhere in the midwest in the wintertime.) He then started asking me about my school, and how many more years I'm going to go to college. Currently, I am in the middle of my third year of college. I am double majoring in Computer Maintenance and Biomedical Electronics. I've told him that at least 25 times. I've also told him at least 35 times that this is my last year. Then I got the lecture about how my parents only paid for the first two years of my sisters' college. Of course, I never asked them to pay any of this, they just offered it. So, after I explained to him that I was going to college, how long, and what for, he started ragging on me about not having a job. That pissed me off. I have two jobs, and I have had them both for four years. Last semester I worked ~50 hours a week and went to school full time. This semester I toned it down to ~40 hours, but I'm still a full time student. He asked how much I got paid an hour, and I told him that at the Library (Where I do Computer work/Administration) I get paid about 6.65/Hr, and at RadioShack (Where I just sell crap...all crap) I get paid 7.00/Hr. So, he said that I'm making the equivalent of about 14.00/Hr...and even though I tried to explain to him how that's wrong, and I can't be working at both places at the same time, he never quite understood it. The, for some reason, we took another adventure in subject changing, and I got the whole "This is my house, and you live under my roof" speech. He was mad because of all of my "Junk" (Which, upstairs I have my mini computer collection... Mac+ here, Apple II there, Apple Lisa over somewhere else, maybe throw in an old TI-99 or two, and some Atari stuff) and my current computer room, which has my stuff in it. I must say though, this room does look like shit, because a few months ago he made me move all of my stuff from one room to another that's about half the size of it...with a bed in there. So, I moved _ALL_ of my things in here. And, since I dabble in electronics and such, it might look like crap, since I have a nice stack of EEPROMS, thousands of CDs, many many many computer parts...but I can't clean the room because there's no room for me to put anything. I tried once, but I was shot down when I moved a few things into another room to make some space to sort.
After that though, I think he complained more about me and how I just don't live up to my potential and I should have a direction in life (I guess two jobs, two college degrees and a plan for my life don't count). He was telling me that when he was 16 he had three jobs and a wife and a child, when he was 17 he had two children, and (yep, you guessed it) by 18 he had three children (although, there's a three year gap between me and my closest sister). When he was 21 he owned two houses. (We bought out second house when I was in sixth grade...I must've grown up fast) It was then more or less redundant talks about all of the previous subjects...because I must not have heard him the first or second times.
When we were done "talking" he went outside to feed his horse.

And here I am...21 years of age, totally stressed out between my two jobs (because I got off work about 10 minutes before this started), on finals week, one hour away from a final, with a sinus headache, out of money because 'tis the season, having other relationship problems with my girlfriend (nothing major I hope), and I have a flat tire.

I cried my eyes out like a little school girl.

This is where we ramble. No problem. Nice Dad yah got there. Take notes so you're never him.

The thing that sucks is that he's probably got some other stupid motivation, for instance he might be cutting you down as a way to feel better about himself.

He may be incredibly jealous of you, in some way, and have no other tool for dealing with it.

He may have gotten a similar talk when he was a kid and thought that he became a better person at the end of it... because it answered something in himself that you certainly don't need.

Being a dad doesn't mean you get resolved of all your stupid incorrect ways of dealing with people or believing/not believing in yourself.

My s2b-ex's dad would call her a snob, all the time, because she had done what parents are supposed to be proud of, going to better schooling than he ever did, getting a better job than he ever did, making more money than he ever did. In reality he was still proud of her... but not so proud of himself. In her success, she made him feel worse about himself. She would come home for visits and he didn't know what questions to ask her and she would make him feel stupid. So he would lash out a little.

wow..
 

Damn...what more does your dad want? He should be jumping for joy that you are working (2 jobs!) AND going to school FULL TIME! There are many 21 yr olds out there who are not even doing half of what you are doing, and their parents don't even give a damn. :mad:

Much luck to you on your finals man. Try like hell to not let your dad get to you too much and mess up your concentration.

Damn, your dad sounds like my grandparents. They pretty much raised me and consider me one of their kids rather than a grandchild, so I don't get any of the grandkid leeway...which means that no job I ever have is good enough, nobody I date is good enough (back when they were young, a man could support a woman with just him working, and that's what they want for me. They don't realize that nowadays it takes two), I also "tear up my car" by, apparantly, putting lots of books, all of which I'm reading, in the backseat...to them, a messy car is a torn-up car....but they were unbelieveably proud when I graduated college....

Anyway, no matter how much it aggravates me, I just nod and say, "yeah, I know" or "ok"....I realize that they're just concerned about me. Yeah, the way they do it is aggravating as hell, but I know they're doing it because they love me, and because they grew up in a different era, they don't know any other way to really show concern and affection. It comes out as criticism.

Now, I don't know what your father's motivation is, but I do realize that no matter what it is, it's making your life difficult. I don't live with my grandparents anymore, but I remember how aggravating it was. I can't tell you how to deal with it, but I can say that babe, I feel yer pain....

Sidhe

It sounds to me like your father holds high expectations for himself, therefore, he expects you to adhere to the same expectations. In his mind, what he has done is ideal, so any other path will be failure. You don't have to think like that. Really, don't think like that. Be confident that you are doing what is best for you and if that doesn't include having a family of 4 before the age of 20, thats okay. He could have it a lot worse, but he doesn't. You should be proud of your abilities and accomplishments, even if he doesn't recognize them. Your priorities are different from his...so what? Would he rather you NOT go to college? Or have a job? He needs to learn to appreciate your goals, but if he doesn't, you know you are doing right by yourself.

sounds to me like he was drunk. call AA.

Would he have done this if your mother was around, Em? Just curious.

Endure for now, leave as soon as possible -- but if you value your stuff then for now a self-storage facility might be a good idea before he decides to trash it.

girl/boyfriends come and go, and dads get over it. dont let the stress get to you and concentrate on your studies. Good luck with your degress .. dont forget to find your 'special place' and meditate before every exam.. it always worked for me :)

Don't make yourself nut's trying to decipher his motivations. Yes sir him to death and stick to your plan. Don't let his doubts become your doubts.:)

Thanks everyone :D
All that made me feel better. He did apologize a few hours later for being so harsh...but hell, what can I do? I forgive him, he's my Dad, and I love him. I do know that all he wants is for me to be happy...it's just that he picks some of the most inopportune of times to "vent his frustrations"about me.

Also, no, I doubt he would have done it with mom around ;)

Of course, if the tables were turned, and I were talking "strongly" with my dad, I wouldn't do it in front of my mom either.

That's when its time to get out. I don't care what you have to do just get out. Every minute of your life you spend with your parents is a minute you are not living.

My father was a control freak but I learned early on that if I did not accept any charity from him (car/tuition/etc.) that he lost the means to control me. He had no carrots because I took them away. How's that for turning the tables? Do likewise and if nothing else, you will gain a measure of respect which is more than you have now.

Good luck!! Its hard but it feels good to be free.

I often felt similarly about my parents. Now they wonder why I refuse to consider having kids of my own.

I don't ever want anyone to think of me that same way.

So, a question to people who had bad/dyisfunctional relationships with your own parents: why did you choose or choose not to have kids?

What did you do when they started hating you? Or did you miraculously avoid that eventuality?

- Pie