Quote:
Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce
Stormie, you made the wrong choice which resulted in pregnancy and being on your own.
It would appear you made mostly the right choices after that.
How did you know how to make those choices?
How did you know what to do and how to treat the kid?
Reading books? Asking friends? Emulating your mother?
Probably mostly the latter, in that you just raised the kid the way you remembered being raised.
But what if you hadn't been raised that way?  |
Oh noooo...my upbringing was horrific and I have made some terrible choices in my life. I do not condemn anyone for making mistakes, but I do believe you have to take responsibility for them. In particular, children are innocents and I feel strongly that a parent who keeps screwing up cannot turn around and blame the child for the way they turn out. Do as I say and not as I do doesn't cut it for kids.
I was a result of an affair by my bio mother and given up for adoption. My adoptive parents beat me and my adoptive father sexually molested me. My father also beat my mother and nearly killed her once. They divorced when I was 12. When I was 16, my mother traded me to my father for a Honda Civic.
I married the first man who asked and true to form (violence breeds violence), he beat me also. Broke my nose, dislocated my jaw, strangled me and kept me prisoner for several years in a foreign country. After I escaped that mess, I started college and was trying to get my life straight, when along came my son. I made the choice to bring him into the world...he had no say in the matter. I could have gotten an abortion or given him up, but I decided to keep him and raise him myself.
8 years later, I got married again. I was thinking that a male role model, a two-parent household, and a real house with a picket fence would be great for my son. Except I picked another abuser (that's all I knew). So 8 years later, after subjecting my son to an abusive step-father and a violent household, I divorced him also. Very bad choices I made..1-by not recognizing the abuser red flags and 2-by staying for much too long. During the marriage we had a daughter together. Near the end of the marriage, I was drinking heavily to numb out. By the time I left, my son was suicidal and that is what finally lit a fire under my ass. I
brought him into this world and it was my responsiblity to provide stability and love. That was 7 years ago.
I got myself into counseling to figure out WHY I was making lousy choices. I quit drinking. I didn't date until I was sure I knew how to spot emotionally healthy individuals (it took 2 years of hard work on myself to get to that point). My 11 yr old daughter still has to deal with her abusive father via visitation and she is not turning out well. She is defiant, difficult, rude, and downright disobediant. Is that her fault? No...it is mine (and her father's). But I will not turn my back on her. I will keep trying to be a positive role model and I will always make sure she knows I love her (if not her behavior). I don't bully, manipulate, threaten or disrespect her because those are behaviors I will not tolerate personally, so what gives me the right to treat HER in a way that I will not accept?
I understand that OC has had a hard life and some devastating losses. My high school sweetheart was stabbed to death in our homeroom. I've been down her road. What I am attempting to address is that is isn't really fair to blame the child for how he turned out when he learned how to behave from the people in his life. There may be missing pieces to this story but I'm going by what has been written here.
I don't blame other people for my bad choices, I made them and I have to live with the consequences...as do my children. The best I can do is try not to repeat them and teach my children how to make better decisions. And love them...consistantly.
Stormie