Seriousness That Changed You

[xoxoxoBruce]

His father never had anything to do with him, or me after conception.

OC was not that fortunate. She had no choice, that she was aware of, at that time. She was completely manipulated and when she finally did make a choice, her choice was murdered. She's probably quite fortunate she was not..... he came close.

Since that time she's made plenty of bad choices. I've a hunch much of it was because she never learned how to make good choices.... too much living day to day with no discernible path to anything or anywhere. living like that tends to push you to people that are similar which is the last thing you need. It makes for a very deep rut where forward and back are the only options visible.

Put, being completely controlled and not developing decision skills, together and you get a person that is always looking for answers or rules to live by. Instructions, user's manual for life.
Many religions are more than happy to provide that. Politics is harder, you can't just find the "right party" and do what they tell you. No party is going to be able to do that without conflicting with something you believe, or believe in, along the way. No party is consistent enough to always follow a certain philosophy. Religions are better at it but still waver at times.

Stormie, you made the wrong choice which resulted in pregnancy and being on your own.
It would appear you made mostly the right choices after that.
How did you know how to make those choices?
How did you know what to do and how to treat the kid?
Reading books? Asking friends? Emulating your mother?
Probably mostly the latter, in that you just raised the kid the way you remembered being raised.


But what if you hadn't been raised that way?

[Bullitt]

Not to hijack or anything, just wanted to share something I've been thinking about recently.
As some of you may remember my uncle has fairly advanced Alzheimer's. I posted about this awhile ago asking for some advice. Since then, he has deteriorated significantly and only keeps sliding downhill. As some background information, he is 75 and born in Manchester, England. And long story short, he is the closest thing my mother ever had to a father. She lived with in San Diego, CA with him and her sister, whom he was married to until 2001 when she died of cancer. My uncle and my mom's sister never had children, so when my aunt died he was alone. At that time we had just moved to Ohio. My uncle then started to show signs of Alzheimer's a year or so after that and my mother was basically the one in place to take care of him (also helps that she is an RN). She has been doing so since, making more and more frequent flights out there to take care of him and his needs as he declines even more. This brings us to the present.

My uncle got to the point this past fall where he could just not live on his own anymore. We had caretakers staying with him 24/7, and at overlapping hours during the day, but he realized in a moment of clarity that he does much better with everyday life when my mom is around. Thus, we had a family meeting and decided that my uncle would come live with us in Ohio. He is at this moment sleeping in my older brother's room and his cat is quarantined in the basement so that it doesn't get torn to shreds by our two older male cats. For those of you that have little knowledge about Alzheimer's, my uncle is basically like a 3 year old mentally. Physically, he is in amazing shape for his age. But he can't do things like realize when he needs to have a bowel movement, comprehend changing tv channels, know how to get in a car, forgets that his dinner plate full of food is in front of him, forgets where he is even while sitting in the same room for an hour, and he hallucinates things like these little snowmen we have around the house he sees as actual people, same with his reflection. He thinks his reflection in any bathroom mirror is this same guy who lives and works on the bathroom. So far he has been able to remember everyone in the family, but it is only a matter of time before that too fades away.

The "seriousness that changed me" in all of this is how I am not super close with my uncle. We have had the usual holiday and summer gatherings of family and meetings when we would fly out from TN or Ohio, phones calls and the like too. But I never really got to know him. And now that he has become a huge part of me and my family's life, I have heard about his background and history a bit from my mother. I never knew before that this giant painting of a ship hanging in his house is actually a painting of the ship that he and his older brother came over to the US in during WW2. It was a ship full of children that were escaping the bombings of England's major cities. I also never knew he was in the US air force and was stationed at an early warning radar station in Alaska during the Cold War. This man has so much history and so many experiences in his mind that he just cannot share anymore, and now I am too late to ever get to hear it.

Where I am going with this is that for as long as I can remember I have enjoyed being by myself more than being with others. I loved just sitting outside reading a book and and having maybe 3 or 4 close friends and thats it. Now, I have realized the importance of developing relationships with people, because you never know what you may be missing out on. The person sitting next to you may know something that can change your life, but you will never know until you initiate a relationship with them.

[Stormieweather]

Originally Posted by Bullitt

Where I am going with this is that for as long as I can remember I have enjoyed being by myself more than being with others. I loved just sitting outside reading a book and and having maybe 3 or 4 close friends and thats it. Now, I have realized the importance of developing relationships with people, because you never know what you may be missing out on. The person sitting next to you may know something that can change your life, but you will never know until you initiate a relationship with them.

Absolutely Bullitt. Also never judge a book by it's cover because inside might be the most amazing story you've ever discovered.

[Perry Winkle]

Originally Posted by Stormieweather

Also never judge a book by it's cover because inside might be the most amazing story you've ever discovered.

Or a bunch of pages with words on them.

(sorry)

[Stormieweather]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Stormie, you made the wrong choice which resulted in pregnancy and being on your own.
It would appear you made mostly the right choices after that.
How did you know how to make those choices?
How did you know what to do and how to treat the kid?
Reading books? Asking friends? Emulating your mother?
Probably mostly the latter, in that you just raised the kid the way you remembered being raised.


But what if you hadn't been raised that way?

Oh noooo...my upbringing was horrific and I have made some terrible choices in my life. I do not condemn anyone for making mistakes, but I do believe you have to take responsibility for them. In particular, children are innocents and I feel strongly that a parent who keeps screwing up cannot turn around and blame the child for the way they turn out. Do as I say and not as I do doesn't cut it for kids.

I was a result of an affair by my bio mother and given up for adoption. My adoptive parents beat me and my adoptive father sexually molested me. My father also beat my mother and nearly killed her once. They divorced when I was 12. When I was 16, my mother traded me to my father for a Honda Civic.

I married the first man who asked and true to form (violence breeds violence), he beat me also. Broke my nose, dislocated my jaw, strangled me and kept me prisoner for several years in a foreign country. After I escaped that mess, I started college and was trying to get my life straight, when along came my son. I made the choice to bring him into the world...he had no say in the matter. I could have gotten an abortion or given him up, but I decided to keep him and raise him myself.

8 years later, I got married again. I was thinking that a male role model, a two-parent household, and a real house with a picket fence would be great for my son. Except I picked another abuser (that's all I knew). So 8 years later, after subjecting my son to an abusive step-father and a violent household, I divorced him also. Very bad choices I made..1-by not recognizing the abuser red flags and 2-by staying for much too long. During the marriage we had a daughter together. Near the end of the marriage, I was drinking heavily to numb out. By the time I left, my son was suicidal and that is what finally lit a fire under my ass. I brought him into this world and it was my responsiblity to provide stability and love. That was 7 years ago.

I got myself into counseling to figure out WHY I was making lousy choices. I quit drinking. I didn't date until I was sure I knew how to spot emotionally healthy individuals (it took 2 years of hard work on myself to get to that point). My 11 yr old daughter still has to deal with her abusive father via visitation and she is not turning out well. She is defiant, difficult, rude, and downright disobediant. Is that her fault? No...it is mine (and her father's). But I will not turn my back on her. I will keep trying to be a positive role model and I will always make sure she knows I love her (if not her behavior). I don't bully, manipulate, threaten or disrespect her because those are behaviors I will not tolerate personally, so what gives me the right to treat HER in a way that I will not accept?

I understand that OC has had a hard life and some devastating losses. My high school sweetheart was stabbed to death in our homeroom. I've been down her road. What I am attempting to address is that is isn't really fair to blame the child for how he turned out when he learned how to behave from the people in his life. There may be missing pieces to this story but I'm going by what has been written here.

I don't blame other people for my bad choices, I made them and I have to live with the consequences...as do my children. The best I can do is try not to repeat them and teach my children how to make better decisions. And love them...consistantly.

Stormie