Quote:
Originally Posted by Clodfobble
The thing I wonder is, how do these same people behave in other relationships? Are there certain people who bring out the worst in us? Are these four behaviors learned over a lifetime and only able to be solved through introspection, or can simply changing partners change everything about one's own behavior?
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My marriage to Tink got trampled by these horses, with fatal (to the marriage) results.
In my experience, I see evidence of the capacity for these behaviors to appear in other relationships. I say capacity because the behaviors are not always displayed outside of marriages (I feel compelled to say I don't have anything like the Gottmans' experience at looking inside marriages though I have a lot of first hand marriage experience of my own, and I'm very interested in the subject). Back to the behaviors--Flint has a point, if you ask people about a recent conflict you're going to get an echo of that conflict. I emphatically disagree with Flint's conclusion though. I strongly believe the observations and analysis and predictions were based on HOW the parties argue and not about the argument itself.
It's this *how* that matters, and those horsemen can arrive in any argument, no spouse required. BUT, the stakes are higher with a spouse, everything is amped up with a spouse, the good and the bad. By comparison, something that might generate "contempt, criticism, stonewalling, or defensiveness" in a marriage might not be "worth it" in other relationships. Think about it, there's a whole universe of interactions that matter when your spouse is part of the conversation that don't really matter when someone else does the same thing. Think about it, this works both ways, right? There are things I'll do for my spouse that I wouldn't do for anyone else. Unfortunately, that includes being bothered/aggravated/infuriated.
In other relationships, there's often space to get away from offending behavior. OR, even if the behavior compels me to "contempt, criticism, stonewalling, or defensiveness", I can't divorce anyone BUT my spouse. Sometimes that method of arguing is just as toxic (parents/children/employers/politicians/younameit), just as unproductive, but simply can't be measured in divorce rates.