4 behaviors that will kill a marriage

[BigV]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

The thing I wonder is, how do these same people behave in other relationships? Are there certain people who bring out the worst in us? Are these four behaviors learned over a lifetime and only able to be solved through introspection, or can simply changing partners change everything about one's own behavior?

My marriage to Tink got trampled by these horses, with fatal (to the marriage) results.

In my experience, I see evidence of the capacity for these behaviors to appear in other relationships. I say capacity because the behaviors are not always displayed outside of marriages (I feel compelled to say I don't have anything like the Gottmans' experience at looking inside marriages though I have a lot of first hand marriage experience of my own, and I'm very interested in the subject). Back to the behaviors--Flint has a point, if you ask people about a recent conflict you're going to get an echo of that conflict. I emphatically disagree with Flint's conclusion though. I strongly believe the observations and analysis and predictions were based on HOW the parties argue and not about the argument itself.

It's this *how* that matters, and those horsemen can arrive in any argument, no spouse required. BUT, the stakes are higher with a spouse, everything is amped up with a spouse, the good and the bad. By comparison, something that might generate "contempt, criticism, stonewalling, or defensiveness" in a marriage might not be "worth it" in other relationships. Think about it, there's a whole universe of interactions that matter when your spouse is part of the conversation that don't really matter when someone else does the same thing. Think about it, this works both ways, right? There are things I'll do for my spouse that I wouldn't do for anyone else. Unfortunately, that includes being bothered/aggravated/infuriated.

In other relationships, there's often space to get away from offending behavior. OR, even if the behavior compels me to "contempt, criticism, stonewalling, or defensiveness", I can't divorce anyone BUT my spouse. Sometimes that method of arguing is just as toxic (parents/children/employers/politicians/younameit), just as unproductive, but simply can't be measured in divorce rates.

[Flint]

What is misleading is that the OP doesn't mention they were goaded into arguing. A thesis statement including the term "...a single, 15-minute conversation..." with no additional clues except "...Read the article for more info..." is not adequate to even come close to describing what this study is about. Sorry to be a stickler, and yes, like a curious intellectual I did go read the article, and I don't disagree with the article, but the OP is misleading to the maximum possible extent.

Without the qualifier:

... Recording married couples talking for 15 minutes about a recent conflict that they were having in their relationship...

...this reads like a cross between Cosmopolitan's 'ten ways to please your man' and a suicide note written by Nostradamus on a coke binge.