Something to share

[Mockingbird]

Well. I got stoned and wrote a little script that I thought would be funny and submitted it to McSweeney's. It may not ever get published so I'm going to post it here so you folks can enjoy it.

Pac-Man: The Movie

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Pac-Man slowly ‘wakka wakkas’ on to the screen, a little left of center, stops.

Three ghosts enter from the right.

Ghosts look away, Pac-Man sprouts eyebrows, they lower.

Pac-Man: Oh, okay, hi to you too. I guess this is what it’s going to be like from now on.

Blinky: Don’t get confrontational, please. That’s what started this whole mess.

Pac-Man: Oh, oh, oh. Okay. Now I started it. That’s brilliant. I was walking along minding my own business…

Other ghost: You weren’t walking, as I recall. You were rudely marching in our home like you owned the place and opening that … mouth, that hideous thing and eating all of our dots.

Pac-Man: Hey, look. That’s what I do when I walk. My dad did it and now I do it. It’s genetic.

Third ghost: I thought you did that because you were a bigger dot. I heard all of you guys did that.

Pac-Man: That’s so… look. I didn’t come here to be insulted. I guess if you guys think all dots are the same that’s your business, but…

Blinky: We are not like that, and you know it. I used to be a dot. Now I’m a ghost. It’s because I died. Don’t play that card, I swear to god…

Pac-Man: Just shut up! We’re not going in circles again, we’re always doing that! I was walking the other day and you started chasing me. I wasn’t even doing anything!

Blinky: No, no, NO! You were in here, looking to score like you always are and then you started eating all of our dots, man.

Other ghost: We eat dots too, you swine!

Third ghost: That is an asshole thing. You are just a bad person.

Pac-Man: I DO this WHEN I WALK. I was teased in school about it, and I’m done with it. Can we please not bring it up anymore?

Blinky: And then, you ate the bigger dots and you went crazy! You went around eating us, and we can’t die because we’re GHOSTS, so we just pop back up and then your crazy ass sweeps up and does it again. Jesus Christ man, you need to go to the doctor.

Pac-Man: The doctor? Why in the hell do I have to go to the doctor?

Other ghost: Those big dots, bro! That’s where we put our coke! You ate like 30 kilos!

Pac-Man: I… Oh, damn it, damn it. How am I not dead? Should I lay down? I need to lay down. I’m laying down.

Blinky: You broke into our house, started eating our dots, overdosed on coke and then started eating us. Seriously, we’re done.

Pac-Man: Wait, hold on…

Third ghost: We’ve heard this before, really, we have. We just… we just can’t trust anymore, Pac-Man. There’s this line. And we’ve been patient, but we’ve done everything we could. You just crossed it and that’s it, it’s over.

Pac-Man: I have done EVERYTHING for you people!

Blinky: It’s not 1980 anymore. We’re moving on.

Pac-Man: I can’t believe this is happening.

Other ghost: And we know about Ms Pac-Man, too.

Pac-Man: Oh, fuck!

Blinky: I mean, we kind of get it, she looks just like you. God knows, if you could make out with yourself you would.

Pac-Man opens and closes mouth, makes wakka noises slowly for a bit.

Pac-Man: I mean, I really don’t know what else to say.

Slowly, a power pellet slides across the screen.

Blinky’s eyes widen.

Blinky: Guys, get it. Get that thing.

Other ghost: With what? I’M TRANSPARENT. JUST LIKE YOU.

Fourth ghost, silent up until this time screams from the back.

Forth ghost: STOP YELLING!

Pac-Man rushes over and eats the power pellet. The ghost yell and pacman wakka wakka’s all the ghosts into his mouth while running around.

Pac-Man stops reflectively once all the ghosts are gone.

Pac-Man: Mm. I wonder what Donkey Kong is doing.

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