Verbal smackdowns

ZenGum · 03-18-2009, 09:49 PM

There are many sharp wits and sharper tongues in the cellar, and sometimes it becomes necessary to administer a good verbal smackdown. What were your best?
Please distinguish between ones where you actually said it, and ones where you thought it but didn't say it, and ones where you thought of it five minutes later.

Here's mine:

Religious wanker: This pamplet could change your life! (inane smile)
Zengum (actually said): I like my life how it is, thanks.
Zengum (should have said): At least I've got a life, loser.

lumberjim · 03-18-2009, 10:25 PM

you mean In Real Life...not on the cellar?

i have 2 for jinx....that happened on the same day.

Shawnee123 · 03-19-2009, 07:23 AM

Guy in college: I got back together with my girlfriend, but I hope you and I can be friends.
What I said: Sure, we can still be friends.
What I should have said: I have enough friends right now, thanks, but if someone dies I'll call you.

Shawnee123 · 03-19-2009, 08:05 AM

Actually said:

Guy in bar, thinking he was funny and yelling across to me: Hey, you ever heard of 60 second sex?

Me: No

Him: Gotta minute? (hardy har har)

All heads turn to me

Me: OK, but what are we going to do with the other 45 seconds?

The crowd roars. Did this man not KNOW me?

jester · 03-19-2009, 08:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

Actually said:

Guy in bar, thinking he was funny and yelling across to me: Hey, you ever heard of 60 second sex?

Me: No

Him: Gotta minute? (hardy har har)

All heads turn to me

Me: OK, but what are we going to do with the other 45 seconds?

The crowd roars. Did this man not KNOW me?

so..... did he have one of those wtf she talkin about, looks.

Shawnee123 · 03-19-2009, 08:26 AM

His face got really red, and he slunk away by way of looking back down at his beer. He's one of those guys who thinks he's really funny, but isn't. :p SMACK. DOWN.

Is slunk a word?

lumberjim · 03-19-2009, 08:32 AM

past participle for slink.

'i have slunk'

Shawnee123 · 03-19-2009, 08:40 AM

slink slank slunk

Sheldonrs · 03-19-2009, 08:45 AM

My personal favorite ( I think I may have posted this here before):

Waiting for a bus, standing in front of the bus bench looking in the direction my bus would be coming from. Guy on bicycle comes up fast behind me and stops. I move for him to go past and he looks at me and says "You know there's a REASON they make the sidewalks wide. So more than ONE person can use it!".

I replied "And theres a reason they call it a sideWALK.".

He rode away and flipped me off.

SteveDallas · 03-19-2009, 09:49 AM

Possibly NSFW thread (no pics)

Clodfobble · 03-19-2009, 01:25 PM

Door-to-door Salesman: Hi, how are--
Me (actually said): No, no, no, I can't do this now. [Shuts door.]
Me (should have said): Hey douchebag, are you illiterate, or did you just think the sign pasted over the doorbell that clearly says "Please Knock" only applied to people I like?

capnhowdy · 03-23-2009, 07:31 AM

I thought I was working alone one day in a large home under construction. As usual I was singing, which is one of the few things I do well.
Some asshole came in with his tag along trainee entourage and asked me, "What did you do with the money?" I asked him, "What money?" He replied "The money your Mama gave you for singing lessons!"
Of course he got a huge giggle out of his punky ass wanna be trainees, which really rubbed me wrong. When the laughter subsided I answered "Oh. That money. Why I spent it at YOUR mama's house while your daddy was at work!"
Suddenly an eerie silence filled the room. His entourage was struggling to stifle the laughter. Poor dude never spoke to me again. Imagine that.

Sundae · 03-23-2009, 08:48 AM

Evil Office Nemesis (now working on another site, but in for a visit):
So, have you got a boyfriend yet?
Cherry: Nope. Has your husband divorced you yet?

Okay, I didn't say it. I was too gobsmacked at her intrusive and very personal question. But by the time I recounted it to my OBF (office best friend) I'd thunk up that reply. Although now, with a bit more time, I'd reply, "No, but I'm getting fucked really well on a regular basis! And sometimes up the arse!"

Even if it is a lie. Ask a personal question, get a personal answer.

DanaC · 03-23-2009, 09:35 AM

In an atmosphere of tension and backbiting with mass redundancies looming and secrets in the air:

Colleague 1: starts to tell me something colleague 2 said to her in confidence.

me: Charl, Stop there. *holds up hand a little* Seriously, if she told you that in confidence, I really don't think you should tell me.

Not a put down. But one of those times my mouth acted on what my instincts were telling me.

Sheldonrs · 03-23-2009, 10:05 AM

This morning: (and yes, we joke around like this all the time)

Co-worker: "See, I'm not as dumb as I look!"

Me: "You couldn't be."

03-18-2009, 09:49 PM	#1
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	Verbal smackdowns There are many sharp wits and sharper tongues in the cellar, and sometimes it becomes necessary to administer a good verbal smackdown. What were your best? Please distinguish between ones where you actually said it, and ones where you thought it but didn't say it, and ones where you thought of it five minutes later. Here's mine: Religious wanker: This pamplet could change your life! (inane smile) Zengum (actually said): I like my life how it is, thanks. Zengum (should have said): At least I've got a life, loser. __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

03-18-2009, 10:25 PM	#2
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	you mean In Real Life...not on the cellar? i have 2 for jinx....that happened on the same day. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

03-19-2009, 07:23 AM	#3
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Guy in college: I got back together with my girlfriend, but I hope you and I can be friends. What I said: Sure, we can still be friends. What I should have said: I have enough friends right now, thanks, but if someone dies I'll call you. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

03-19-2009, 08:05 AM	#4
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Actually said: Guy in bar, thinking he was funny and yelling across to me: Hey, you ever heard of 60 second sex? Me: No Him: Gotta minute? (hardy har har) All heads turn to me Me: OK, but what are we going to do with the other 45 seconds? The crowd roars. Did this man not KNOW me? __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

03-19-2009, 08:26 AM	#6
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	His face got really red, and he slunk away by way of looking back down at his beer. He's one of those guys who thinks he's really funny, but isn't. :p SMACK. DOWN. Is slunk a word? __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

03-19-2009, 08:32 AM	#7
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	past participle for slink. 'i have slunk' __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

03-19-2009, 08:40 AM	#8
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	slink slank slunk __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

03-19-2009, 08:45 AM	#9
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	My personal favorite ( I think I may have posted this here before): Waiting for a bus, standing in front of the bus bench looking in the direction my bus would be coming from. Guy on bicycle comes up fast behind me and stops. I move for him to go past and he looks at me and says "You know there's a REASON they make the sidewalks wide. So more than ONE person can use it!". I replied "And theres a reason they call it a sideWALK.". He rode away and flipped me off. __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

03-19-2009, 09:49 AM	#10
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	Possibly NSFW thread (no pics)

03-19-2009, 01:25 PM	#11
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	Door-to-door Salesman: Hi, how are-- Me (actually said): No, no, no, I can't do this now. [Shuts door.] Me (should have said): Hey douchebag, are you illiterate, or did you just think the sign pasted over the doorbell that clearly says "Please Knock" only applied to people I like? __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

03-23-2009, 07:31 AM	#12
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	I thought I was working alone one day in a large home under construction. As usual I was singing, which is one of the few things I do well. Some asshole came in with his tag along trainee entourage and asked me, "What did you do with the money?" I asked him, "What money?" He replied "The money your Mama gave you for singing lessons!" Of course he got a huge giggle out of his punky ass wanna be trainees, which really rubbed me wrong. When the laughter subsided I answered "Oh. That money. Why I spent it at YOUR mama's house while your daddy was at work!" Suddenly an eerie silence filled the room. His entourage was struggling to stifle the laughter. Poor dude never spoke to me again. Imagine that. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

03-23-2009, 08:48 AM	#13
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Evil Office Nemesis (now working on another site, but in for a visit): So, have you got a boyfriend yet? Cherry: Nope. Has your husband divorced you yet? Okay, I didn't say it. I was too gobsmacked at her intrusive and very personal question. But by the time I recounted it to my OBF (office best friend) I'd thunk up that reply. Although now, with a bit more time, I'd reply, "No, but I'm getting fucked really well on a regular basis! And sometimes up the arse!" Even if it is a lie. Ask a personal question, get a personal answer. __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

03-23-2009, 09:35 AM	#14
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	In an atmosphere of tension and backbiting with mass redundancies looming and secrets in the air: Colleague 1: starts to tell me something colleague 2 said to her in confidence. me: Charl, Stop there. holds up hand a little Seriously, if she told you that in confidence, I really don't think you should tell me. Not a put down. But one of those times my mouth acted on what my instincts were telling me.

03-23-2009, 10:05 AM	#15
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	This morning: (and yes, we joke around like this all the time) Co-worker: "See, I'm not as dumb as I look!" Me: "You couldn't be." __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

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