How to not say the wrong thing.

[xoxoxoBruce]

This could have gone in Relationships or certainly in Health which is where were often slip up, but here it be.
Everyone has had that moment where you wish you could disappear when you realize what just came out of your mouth. Panically wondering why you said that, and whether an apology or hara-kiri is more appropriate.

Susan Silk and Barry Goldman at the LA Times have a solution. The beauty is it's simple and "works in all kinds of crises -- medical, legal, even existential." They call it "Ring Theory".

Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. For Katie's aneurysm, that's Katie. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. In the case of Katie's aneurysm, that was Katie's husband, Pat.

Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order.

That's simple, now this is how it works.

The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair" and "Why me?" That's the one payoff for being in the center ring.

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

[BigV]

Thanks.


I'm still looking for the "how to unsay the wrong thing" thread.

[slang]

Originally Posted by Her colleague

"This isn't just about you."

So, when attempting to show support for the smaller ring you might want to go just to show up knowing that your timing or even just you being there might not be helpful or appreciated?

And saying nothing is an option? Rather than saying something wrong?

Just a silent hand wave. Maybe a hand over the heart gesture?

[footfootfoot]

Frankie: What's the matter?

Willie: Eh, my shoulder hurts. You know - you know that narrow hallway in the boiler room? The one with the, uh--?

Frankie: Exposed bolts comin' out o' the wall?

Willie: Yeah. Well, every time I walk past it, the bolts dig right into my shoulder. I-- It's very painful.

Frankie: Boy. You wanna talk about some pain? I bought one o' them linoleum knives the other day, you know?

Willie: With the double edge?

Frankie: Right.

Willie: Yeah?

Frankie: So, I go home, you know, and I spread my toes apart and I just start sawing, back and forth and back and forth, you know?

Willie: Mm hmm.

Frankie: And I take a little thing o' Tobasco sauce, you know?

Willie: Yeah.

Frankie: And just dump it on there. Talk about a hotfoot, mister! Boy, that was rough.

Willie: Yeah, I know what you mean. You know, the other day, I took one o' them, uh--?

Frankie: Meat thermometers?

Willie: Yeah! And I just shoved it into my ear, you know? As far as it could go, you know? But then I took one o' them, uh--?

Frankie: Ball-peen hammers?

Willie: Right. And just whacked it a few times right in there, you know.

Frankie: Boy, that must smart.

Willie: I know! I HATE when THAT happens.

[glatt]

classic!

That was a great year for SNL. They had some real talent that year.

[Gravdigr]

Confucius say:

"Only way to not say wrong thing, is to keep mouth shut."

[Gravdigr]

Frank & Willie; was that Billy Crystal & Christopher Guest?

[glatt]

yep

[infinite monkey]

I could hear them in my head as I read it: for how long did we all go around saying "I HATE when that happens"? Oh, and crystal's lounge interviewer guy: you look mahhhvelous. (I just googled it. It was a show they called Fernando's Hideaway and the character was based on Fernando Lamas because "reportedly" Crystal heard him say the other SNL catchphrase on Carson: it is better to look good than to feel good."

Awesome stuff. Thank for the memories.

That was a great time for SNL.

Here's a lengthy segment, with bad audio, where "Fernando" interviews Steinbrenner. I find myself watching Steinbrenner's mannerisms and speech to compare to Steinbrenner on Seinfeld.

[Aliantha]

What about if you think you're an inner ring, but you're actually an outer ring? I know a lot of people who like to put themselves closer to the drama so they can get some of the inward flowing sympathy, even if they probably aren't the one it should be directed at.

Teenage hierarchies come to mind in this instance. They all want to be the victim, except that one guy who wants to be all tough and say they're all shit.

I saw a lot of this trying to be 'inner ring' when my Mum was dying. Not to say my Mum had a lot of fake friends or anything, just that when it came to the crunch, I was the one doing all the supporting of friends and family coming to cry over Mum when it should probably have been the other way around.

[sexobon]

That’s getting away from ring theory and into quantum relationships.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Aliantha

What about if you think you're an inner ring, but you're actually an outer ring?

When you're in doubt
You must not shout

I saw a lot of this trying to be 'inner ring' when my Mum was dying. Not to say my Mum had a lot of fake friends or anything, just that when it came to the crunch, I was the one doing all the supporting of friends and family coming to cry over Mum when it should probably have been the other way around.

Then that entitled you to say anything you wanted, except to your mom.



... or anyone you ever wanted to talk to again.

[Sundae]

I've seen it too, Ali.
When Breda died, Mum was there with a lot of practical support. There were other people Mum had never met who came to weep and wail.
I'm not including the family - she'd met all those based in England, and she acknowledged that those coming over from Ireland were further inside the circle than she was.

But she saw Breda at least once a week when she was well and happy.
They were ex-neighbours for years, went to the same church and did live in eachother's pockets. Breda was my niece's Godmother.
Some of the "old" friends who came from London had never even featured in conversation.
I think Mum would have been more accepting if they'd also offered practical help. Instead she used to come home very cross, because of all the people "crowding her and tiring her out", not one of them had thought to take a cloth to the kitchen sink or hoover the stairs.

Perhaps it was her familiarity with the house; but it's probably just Mum.
She thinks nothing of bringing other people's houses up to what she considers a bearable standard.

[infinite monkey]

I was amazed and touched by the people who loved my mom. Seems that being the good person she was, she attracted a lot of other good people.

I didn't dwell on who did or who did not come to the services. Everyone is different. Everyone deals with these things in their own way. People you don't expect to step up to the plate do, and some you expect would step up just can't. For whatever reason.

But on the whole, the community of friends and family showed my mom the respect she deserved. I am forever grateful.

I'm not nearly enough like my mom. She was so good at reaching out to people, at doing the right thing. I'm the quintessential 'say the wrong thing' girl.

I miss my mom.

[glatt]