Liz

[DanaC]

She holds her coke can tight up to her chest; what's in it,
Is anybody's guess; she takes it everywhere.
I don't like to pry,
But I swear she looks a mess,
Rotten teeth and greasy hair.

But, she's such good fun,
She's always up for games.
I confess,
I never focus on the shame.
This was her best,
And she just let it slide away.
She drank the rest,
On one sweltering hot day.
And we stood by,
And let her do this to herself; then raised the cry,
As we stacked her on the shelf.

There was a moment,
In the distant days gone by;
We could have helped her,
But we left her to get by.


.......................................

This is an unfinished poem. Still very much a work in progress Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. It's missing something, but I am not quite sure what.

[Trilby]

I'd like to know more about her---tell me more about what she was like.

[Undertoad]

This is excellent and I say this having studied poetry in a very tough uni-level program for a year.

The way the rhymes twist are right for the confusion of the situation.

The shorter, four line finish gives one the impression of sudden end. At first I wasn't sure about the by - by final rhyme... until I realized... it says bye-bye. Intentional?

It all gives one a taste of the matter without saying it straight out. That's what great poetry does. A++.

[BigV]

Poetry I understand* and appreciate. That makes it really good or really (really) bad. This is the good poetry. Bravo.



*as much as I can...

[Sun_Sparkz]

I confess,
I never focus on the shame.
This was her best,
And she just let it slide away.


I love that line.. i read it a few times.

this is great.. but i have no idea what its about. a hooker? a homeless lady? a doll?

[DanaC]

Liz is a student of mine. She keeps coming around through the system. I don't think there's really a lot I can do for her. I try to work on her confidence, but she usually vanishes after lunch ( she's usually finished her can by then and has started to get the shakes real bad) then doesn't reappear for a day or two.

I'm fairly sure she's a working girl, quite a few of our ladies are. A couple of them got kicked off the course for conducting their "business" in the disabled toilets. What can you do? Apparently they charge a fiver for a BJ and a tenner for the works. Where do you start when someone values themself so lowly?

I sometimes wonder what she dreamed of becoming back whne she was a little girl.....or did she just dream of being free? She bounced around the care system from the age of 6 until 15 when she ran away for the last time.

The "we" in the poem refers to society, or more accurately her community. One or two good teachers could have made the difference, or a care worker who had the time and inclination to fill the gap left by her absent ( and previously abusive) parents. her own children are now caught up in the same system, taken from her because she couldn't or wouldn't cope.

She has a reputation as a "good time girl" but the good time looks have long since faded. She is 39 but she could pass for 50. You can still see the looks she used to have, the bone structure and the slight afro kink to her hair, but it's just the odd glimpse.

Sometimes my job is depressing. Sometimes people don't want or can't be helped. Never stop trying though. By the time they're sent to us, they've precious few people on their side.

If Liz keeps drinking she is going to die, probably in the next few years. She doesn't seem remotely like she is about to stop though.

[DanaC]

Thanks for the comments by the way. I'd played around with that ending and had tried out 3 different ways of rounding it off. I quite like this one, it's stronger than the others.

[Cyclefrance]

Sorry I'm only now writing on this, but I have to admit to only seeing it for the first time just this evening.

In your first post on this thread you said that the poem was unfinished, but the last entry makes it sound as though you have finished with the poem.

It's a very strong poem, there's an anger and frustration coming through that seems to be aimed at both the writer and the system that real help wasn't there to be given when it needed to be. I agree with the others that it is very well written and you feel compelled to read it several times because you simply cannot capture everything it offers in one single reading.

You said that something was missing. The two things that perhaps could be added come from your later words describing Liz's life: that this is accepted as normal by her when it could never be for others who have never faced the problems that caused Liz to spiral downwards, and also there is the sad hard fact that Liz is just one of so many that this, or something like this, happens to because society lets them down so badly.

My wife is an EWO. She sometimes describes to me the conditions - both of parents and their surroundings - that she finds when visiting some homes of absentee children. They come too close for comfort to your description of Liz and her life.