Parenting and teenage relationships

[OnyxCougar]

This is going to be kinda long, because it has background.

I have a 17 year old male childling. This is the one we gave to the ex's aunt and uncle to raise and went to Oregon to pick him up and he's blind in one eye. That one.

I've tried to be an open, honest parent, and we have been able to talk about pretty much everything since he's been old enough to ask questions, and I've been proud of that. Up to this point we'd had a running bet that he wouldn't get married before age 30. If he did, he'd pay me $100 on his wedding day, and after age thirty, I'd pay him. "I'm not getting married OR having children," he said on more than ten occasions. "No freaking way. I like money too much." I made my bet and smiled. "Of course, son."

So he's in ROTC this semester, and went on a multi-school ROTC competition in Virginia. My kids' school shared a bus with another school in town and on the way home from the trip, my son shared a seat with a girl from the other school. He came home talking about her, and put her picture on his desktop and started calling her all the time. (We'll call her .... Marcia.)

Marcia this, Marcia that. Marcia outranks me by 9 times in ROTC. Marcia is a tomboy. Marcia likes astrology. Marcia isn't real big on the computer thing. Marcia thinks WoW is dumb, so I'm not going to play any more.

He asks if he can invite her over for dinner. (He's planning on being a big time chef and he wanted to impress her with his talent.) After speaking with her step-mom, they brought her over, and since I promised there would be an adult present the whole time, we took her grocery shopping with us, then son made dinner, then they watched a DVD she brought over, then we took her home.

She seems smart, has a reasonably advanced vocabulary, writes poetry and stories, has a nice little body, and was sitting very close to Son while the DVD watching was going on. And my younger kids liked her, which is a plus. (And, she's um...well, to be frank, stacked. He insists that's not why he likes her tho. Yeah, right.)

A few days later, I find out she's dating another guy. Alex. I was not happy with that, because over the instant messenger they've been discussing "kid's names" and "colors for the wedding" and such. She was thinking about breaking up with Alex, but she'd only been with Justin twice, and wasn't sure if she wanted to be with him or not, so wanted to wait for the ROTC ball, where both of them (Son and Alex) would be. I wasn't happy with this either, but he told me he wanted to do this. OK.

The following week was the ROTC ball. I had to pay $30 for him and "a guest" to go 5 weeks prior to the event. He took some little strumpet that was flashing her titties at the cadets on the bus to Virginia, and Marcia took Alex.

He was pretty silent regarding the ball. He said he danced with about 6 different girls and even a couple of the guys in his ROTC unit. (He got a pic, it was pretty funny.) The next day he went to her house and hung out, and was pretty quiet about that too.

Two days later, we're BSing and he says she wants to name their baby Seth Lucien, and I raise an eyebrow and ask if she's left Alex yet. No. I tell him that at this point, she's playing both him and Alex, and she shouldn't even be discussing that, since they aren't even having sex yet (and added they better not for a loooong time). He doesn't understand why talking about naming babies means she's playing him. I told him that if she's even thinking down that path, she should be with Alex, even if she doesn't go out with him. He said he had been talking to his grandmother about Marcia, and she says to "wait and see what happens."

I said, "well, at least don't make the same mistakes I did" (getting pregnant at 16). He replied, "Don't worry, I'm not as dumb as you are."

It...knocked the wind out of me. My first impulse was to grab him by the neck and twist in such a way that I'd hear the satisfying crunch right before I dropped his twitching ass to the floor.

My second impulse was to reach out and open hand slap him in the mouth with as much force as my nearly 300 pound frame could muster.

I finally decided to get up and walked away before I had anymore impulses.

My husband didn't hear the remark, (which is a lucky thing) and I told him about it later. He said He'd "have a little talk" with him about respect the following day.

Next day I'm at work and he IM's me about 30 minutes after my husband gets home, and apologises for the remark. We got into it again about Marcia, and he says he doesn't care if she's playing him. I told him *I* care. He said that this is why he didn't want to talk to me about her, because I would "wig out" and he likes me in "cool mom" mode, not "bitchy mom" mode.

It came out that Marcia had decided that she is going to stay with Alex until the end of the school year, then break up with him, and date my son over the summer and they could see each other every day.

Oh, but no.

I explained 15 different ways why this is not a good thing and he wasn't hearing me. Finally, I got home and I briefed the husband on the situation and we went in there as a unified front.

I told him that he will not be over to her house unless it's with a group of people (like a birthday party or something) and she will not be coming over to our house on her own, either. If she refuses to dump Alex and be with him, then they will not continue to act as if they are dating.

He made all sorts of arguments, like "You have to let me make my mistakes" and "You're trying to make her decision for her." I told him, no, if she wants to wait until the end of the year to dump Alex, that's cool, but in the meantime, they will not be acting like they are dating. I told him if he won't stand up and have respect for himself (and for Alex, who I feel bad for) then I will.

So now I'm the terrible, butting in, "ruining my life" mom.

Suggestions?

[Clodfobble]

Does Alex know about all of this? It sounds to me like your son knows Marcia is cheating on Alex, and has fallen into the role of the "secret lover." He's willing to be played now because he's hoping to get to date her exclusively in the future. But Alex has had her to himself in the past, and it would be very unusual for him to be cool with the situation as it is.

I'd have a chat with Marcia, and possibly a chat (threatened or real) with Alex.

[OnyxCougar]

No, I haven't spoken to Alex, don't know how to get ahold of him. Never even met him.

Day after I laid down this rule, magically Marcia broke up with Alex, but son and Marcia are not yet dating, although I'm told they will be by Sunday, which is when Marcia's parents invited son to go to the beach with them and Marcia.

How convenient, huh???

[wolf]

The more you try to restrict your son from seeing Marcia, the more likely it becomes that within the next 12 months you are going to be setting up an account through Department of Human Services for him to pay into, in his new status as Marcia Baby Daddy. Does "Seth Lucien" go well with your son's last name, or sound even more ridiculous that it does standing on it's own?

If you think you are headstrong or stubborn, please remember that you contributed 50% of his genetics.

Let it run it's natural course.

[BigV]

OC:

I have been bowling a number of times in my life. Have you ever been bowling? You go to a special place where the supplies and the equipment and the professionals are all gathered together to do it. You usually go with other people. You pay your money and then walk past racks and racks of mostly similar round-y things with holes in them, and for the rookies, picking out "the one" can be troublesome.

Eventually, you pick a ball that you like, it fits your hand, you can carry it easily, maybe you like how it looks, whatever. Finally, it's your turn to bowl. You approach the ball rack, you prepare your hand over that little blower, you carefully pick up your ball and find your best starting position. You cradle the ball near your chest and imagine the approach, the extension, the backswing, the whole roll. You're in control of that ball. The ball can do nothing without you, and you have a plan. You start your move and things begin to happen faster and more variables come into play. Is the floor slippery? Will I stop before the foul line? Can I hang on to the ball at the end of my backswing? Should I go before the guy in the other lane or is he waiting for me? Don't forget to aim for the pocket behind the 1-pin. Be smoooooth. Criminee! RELEASE!

Now the ball is rocketing toward the pins, it's out of your hands. But think about what almost always happens on the way down the lane. The contortions and gyrations of "body english" make NO difference to the ball or the pins, yet we're helpless to resist the urge to twist and lean and talk--to the ball!! But the ball is gone.

KEEEERRRAAASSH!!!

**freeze**

OC, you sound like a loving, diligent, articulate, involved, caring parent. You will certainly suffer for it, too. I can't imagine anything to add to what you've described that *might* improve the situation, including walking away from justifiable homicide (j/k good for you, and him).

When you have an exclusive choice to be the parent OR the friend, choose parent, like you did.

**thaw**

Was it a strike? A spare? A gutterball? A foul? Regardless, your body english only made you feel better, but didn't change the course of the ball.

Our children are like that too. We first get them helpless and bald, and have the most perfect plans for them. Strike! We carefully approach and swing and release--and the rest is up to them. Thankfully, the analogy breaks down a little here. You've certainly done your part to affect your son's trajectory and now it's largely up to him. I know what I'm talking about I have an 18 year old stepson at home right now myself. It's out of my hands. But your son, and mine, can still hear our voices. Continue to be reasonable (no one on one, that's not out of line) and more importantly, consistent.

But the kicker is this: find a way, some way, to learn HIS ideas and include them in the dialogue. This is imperative. I'm afraid I don't have any special clues or dumb analogies to illustrate this, but it is really important. With it, you can hope that your input can have an effect. Without it, it's all just body english.

[OnyxCougar]

I do have a ray of hope. One of the boys Son was dancing with at the ball (16 years old) just found out that he got his 14 year old girlfriend pregnant.

There was a brief discussion about "What would you do if I told you I got Marcia pregnant?"

I told him I'd pick up sponges and a mop and bucket on the way home, and some pine-sol for that wonderful, covering up the smell of blood scent.

[staceyv]

This is something he really does need to learn for himself. You can give him advice until you're blue, but he's still going to see "Marcia"-it'll probably make him want her more. He's going to have his heart broken eventually, so he might as well learn some lessons now- like how to spot a player, and how to protect himself from a future broken heart by playing it slow and cautious with the next girl.
I don't blame you for not wanting that little ho in your house, but other than that, my humble advice would be to stay out of it.

[breakingnews]

Just make sure you do your part and drill parental advice into that stubborn skull of his. I hate to say it, but your only hope right now is that he doesn't do anything dumb that would lead to devastating (or permanent) consequences. Either he'll wake up and realize that you're right and he's making a mistake, or he'll be better prepared the next time around. We've all been through that rite of passage - it's not fair to deny him that opportunity as well.

I've never been burned by a girl, per se, but there have been quite a few moments when my parents' voices suddenly echoed resoundingly in my head (like when I almost got kicked out of high school a week before graduation). It is that unfortunate period in his life when being his own person is the top priority, regardless of whether it's good for him or not.

Then it'll be that part of his life when nothing makes sense, of which my friend put it best: "Hey, look at me! I'm 20-something! I'm ironic about everything!"

I laughed so hard when he said that.

[Brett's Honey]

QUOTE=OnyxCougar]I do have a ray of hope. One of the boys Son was dancing with at the ball (16 years old) just found out that he got his 14 year old girlfriend pregnant.There was a brief discussion about "What would you do if I told you I got Marcia pregnant?" /QUOTE

I know it's almost impossible for our kids to learn from others mistakes, but I'm still trying that approach with my 18 year old son. I remind him often about my younger brother's predicament. When my brother was 15, he became a father after just his first or second time having sex. His 18th birthday present was a bill from the state DHS department for almost $10,000.00 in back child support. We didn't even know they would do that to a minor, but they sure do. He has met his son, who is 17 now, only twice. He has paid some child support off and on over the years, his current balance is now over $30,000.00 and with the interest they now add, the bill is growing fast. There is now an outstanding warrant for his arrest for the back child support. He will eventually be doing prison time for this, no doubt.

[Elspode]

OC...has your yewt had sex yet with *anyone*? And what about Marcia?

This sounds like a pretty classic case of a young girl trying out her wiles, seeing who she can toy with for how long in order to build up her own sense of empowerment and pubescent manipulative skill. I'd say your lad is in for a dumping before the leaves fall, one way or the other.

I'm betting she'll snag the first college boy she can sink her claws into.

[Troubleshooter]

If he's still untried you might want to just get him laid a few times to sort of take the edge off.

[Clodfobble]

You know what I think? You should get him a reversible vasectomy. I think all teenage boys should have them. It's an outpatient procedure, and then you just undo it when you're ready to have kids years and years down the line. $500 very well-spent in my opinion.

[Troubleshooter]

I hadn't even thought of that. That's a damn good family planning idea.

[Undertoad]

Teen pregnancy is down by half over the last 10 years.

[Clodfobble]

And yet still a full 50% of pregnancies are unplanned and 40% are unwed.