Getting A Life

[Juniper]

Help me get a life. I feel really sad and pathetic right now so please be kind.

As I've posted in the past, I'm a freelance writer. I do business writing, though lately it's been slow to say the least. Did get one big check recently so all's not lost. I need motivation.

But mostly I need a life. For the last two years I've been in college, with Brianna--well, not exactly *with* her, but in the same school and occasionally passing in the hallways. That was great because it got me up and moving and provided feedback and quantification of my efforts, social interaction and a reason to get up in the morning. I got almost all A's so I felt pretty damn good about myself. Earned my degree.

I've been thinking about going back for my M.A. but can't justify the expense right now. The B.A. was easier to justify, because what can you really do without it? The M.A. sort of feels like something I'm only doing for my own satisfaction, not for a real return on investment. I don't need it for what I do. But it would get me up and out of the house and around actual people, which I'm desperate for right now.

But is it worth $1,700 per class to get me out of the house and around people? Seems kind of pathetic. I've considered taking a part time job someplace pleasant, say at a bookstore, just to get out of the house. I did this several years ago at Target, cashiering, and it was FUN . . . I swear it was fun, though I had to cut it down to one day a week because my family freaked out at not having me there to tend to their every whim. Sad, isn't it? But I've made them my highest priority, I feel it should be that way, too, gosh I'm so old fashioned, cooking, cleaning, gardening, sewing, canning . . . sigh. I'm like such a traditional wife and mother with the apron and the home cooked meal, you know? I like it, but it distresses me too because this was not at all the life I expected for myself when I was in my early 20s. And not really who I am inside. I'm just not "grandma" yet, you know?

And I'm depressed. I mean I am seriously, clinically depressed.

I need to be around people. I don't know what exactly I want to do. Working a "real job" might be nice. Or volunteering somewhere. In my dreams I'm playing in a band . . . okay that will never happen, but I'm just not ready to be a nice old lady wearing and apron who gardens, sews and cooks . . . somewhere inside is a trapped courtesan-slash-daredevil.

Somewhere in all this drivel is the answer . . . or maybe this is just your average mid-life crisis rant. I don't know. But if anybody has something to say, one way or another, I'd appreciate the feedback.