I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!!!

[Trilby]

I've had it. I am done, done, done with this crazy ass "relationship" with this married man. I know, I know. What did I expect? What did I think was going to happen? But you know what? I loved him. I really, truly, honestly loved him but I can't take this nuttiness any longer. Since I'm putting my enitre life in a blender and pushing "frappe", I might as well throw him out with the rest. He's been a good friend, and a more than willing sex partner but the fact of the matter is this: HE'S MARRIED AND HAS BEEN FOR THIRTY YEARS! I don't think he's leaving her. He even said as much. A professor, a man very concerned with apperances, he's not leaving his blue-blooded wife for a mess like me and I can finally be OK with that. It doesn't mean I am unloveable. It doesn't mean I'll never have another relationship. It doesn't mean I lose (again.) But, oh, I'm afraid that it really does mean those things. It's just that he was the kindest man I had ever met and I had never experienced that sort of unconditional love and regard from anyone, let alone a man. I thought he was brilliant. He IS brilliant. He is accepting and good and has always thought of me...but I can't anymore. It's like so much in my life. It's not real.

He let me fall in love with him--he encouraged it--and THEN told me he was married! I think his ego likes me. He can't really love me, can he? What IS this? If I survive any of this shit it'll be a miracle.

I hate this.