Need some help

[bbro]

Okay, so I have a bit of the problem with the current BF. He is in jail back home because of unpaid fines. I have done everything I can to help him through this (he nearly broke last week) and something he said to me last night has really hurt my feelings. It has made me so raw that I have been crying over the simplest things today.

Do I tell him now, or wait until he is out? I don't want to upset him while he is struggling to keep it together, but with the whole other thread on saying what you feel, I don't want to delay it. If it was a normal situation, I would definately tell him, but now, I don't know.

Any ideas?

Oh, and he will be out at the end of the month - two days before I go home for a weekend, I will see him then.

[Trilby]

What kind of unpaid fines landed him in jail? Child support or what?

Has he said other mean things to you?

Hm. I need some more info.

[Elspode]

Being in jail is not a normal state of affairs, so I have to ask...what kind of fines? Library fines? Traffic fines? Something more sinister?

You speak rather casually about his incarcerated status, and not wanting to upset him while he is so lodged...almost as though this isn't really all that unusual? I guess what I'm getting at is this...should you really be worried about upsetting him? Perhaps someone *needs* to upset him so he'll figure out why he's in jail?

Also, if he's the one who has screwed up and landed himself in the pokey, where does he get off taking it out on you by saying something to hurt you? It isn't your fault somehow, is it? And if not, why, again, are you concerned about upsetting *him*?

I'm really intrigued.

[bbro]

The unpaid fines actually don't include his child support. He was on house arrest for a DUI, so couldn't get a job, couldn't pay to wear the ankle monitor, so they threw him in jail. His lawyer worked it out that when he gets out, his records will be clean. (how can he afford the laywer you ask? He can't they guy is a friend and once he gets out, he is going to do some things to help him out ex: delivering papers, etc.)

No, not really. When he does say something, I let him know it and he feels bad and makes it up to me.

What actually happened was this:

Me: So did you think about me today?
Him: No, honestly, hum, my priorities are my freedom and getting my son back (long story that has nothing to do with this part)

Now, I just feel like crap because here I am running around trying to send him things to keep him occupied, giving him a couple bucks so he has food to eat (he is going to pay me back when he is out, he has a job lined up already) and it feels like he just kicked me in the guts! I mean, I am not high enough on the list to even be spared a 3 second thought???

[bbro]

Originally Posted by Elspode

You speak rather casually about his incarcerated status, and not wanting to upset him while he is so lodged...almost as though this isn't really all that unusual? I guess what I'm getting at is this...should you really be worried about upsetting him? Perhaps someone *needs* to upset him so he'll figure out why he's in jail?

No, this is something that is very unusual for him, that is the main reason I don't want to upset him. If it was normal, I wouldn't worry really because I wouldn't be with him at that point.

The other things you asked are addressed in the previous post (posted same time). I don't know if he intentionally meant to be mean. Maybe that's why I am having trouble deciding if I should tell him or not.

I guess the other thing is the last time he started naming his priorities, we weren't in a very stable part of our relationship.

[Trilby]

Well, you only asked if you should tell him NOW how hurtful his comment was or wait till he's out of jail. I'll tell you this--if you decide to tell him now he will unleash on you and blame you for everything that ever went wrong in his life and call you nasty names and say how you don't understand him, etc., etc. If you wait, he'll unleash on you and blame you for everything that ever went wrong in his life and call you nasty names...see the similarity? Just kind of a gut feeling I get about him.

PS-if you're on house arrest for a DUI (surely not his first DUI?) don't they let you out to work?

I don't mean to come across all saintly--I had a DUI. I'll NEVER do that again, either. The speech by the MADD women shredded my heart and I vowed NEVER to do that stupid thing again.

[bbro]

Originally Posted by Brianna

PS-if you're on house arrest for a DUI (surely not his first DUI?) don't they let you out to work?

Yes, they do, but he had just lost his job and was trying to find another one. No one will hire you with an ankle bracelet.

I'll tell you this--if you decide to tell him now he will unleash on you and blame you for everything that ever went wrong in his life and call you nasty names and say how you don't understand him, etc., etc. If you wait, he'll unleash on you and blame you for everything that ever went wrong in his life and call you nasty names...see the similarity? Just kind of a gut feeling I get about him.

I really don't see him doing that. He has never blamed me for anything that has gone wrong. If he did, I wouldn't still be with him. I may not like confrontations, but I have been learning (albeit slowly) to stick up for myself.

*Just a note, I will be back tomorrow to read other posts. I get off now and don't have internet at home

[xoxoxoBruce]

Remember, if he wasn't thinking about you that day it's because you didn't make the list of his problems, he was preoccupied with.

Tell him he hurt your feelings if it will make you feel better and you can do it in a matter of fact way without being dramatic.

[bbro]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Remember, if he wasn't thinking about you that day it's because you didn't make the list of his problems, he was preoccupied with.

Thanks Bruce, I didn't think of it like that

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Tell him he hurt your feelings if it will make you feel better and you can do it in a matter of fact way without being dramatic.

Actually, I decided to go ahead and just do it. He didn't know that he did anything and apologized. He says that he does think about me and I said that's not what you said last night. He says he does think about it. I said that I understand I am not at the top of his list (obviously, his son is), but he doesn't need to throw it in my face. He said that he wasn't throwing it in my face, those are the things that he needs to get him through.

I was so proud of myself, I didn't cry (even though I felt like it), I didn't do anything extreme, we discussed it like adult human beings.

Thank you guys for not telling me just to dump him. I know another board that would have told me to dump him no matter what.

[Elspode]

I wouldn't say you should dump him, but he definitely needs to examine himself. I've found that people who aren't carrying a boatload of baggage and acting out some sort of problems within themselves seldom end up in jail. I know a lot of people who have gotten DUI's and still didn't go to jail.

Whoever was supervising your boyfriend's house arrest, in all likelihood, did *not* put him in slam due to being behind on his bracelet payments. He was more likely put there for shock value, because the supervising official didn't like the trend he was seeing (no job, etc), and he wanted to shake up the equation.

I guess what I'm saying is this: Are you looking beyond the jail occurance to try and understand what lies beneath? Are you making sure that all of this turmoil is completely anomalous, rather than the natural outcome of decisions and actions your boyfriend has made up to this point?

I won't say leave him, but I will definitely say that you need to be objectively aware of what it is that put him in the position he is in to begin with.

[bbro]

I am not sure exactly what the fines are for, that is just what I assumed. It would probably be good to ask him specifics. I know that it seems bad, but he hit a bad spot right before he met me. It just seems that he started getting comfortable - still wanted a job, but I don't know if he worked real hard at it. I know he had a couple prospects that were thwarted by the ankle jewlery.

As sad as it seems, I think that may be one of the main reasons I left. So he isn't as comfortable and maybe has the motivation to change things. I also just wasnt sure if he was the man I wanted. He is my first boyfriend and that just wasn't sitting well with me, but I knew as long as I stayed there, I would stay with him no matter what and that wasn't the best thing for either of us. I know running away isn't the answer, but in my case, it is. A temporary thing most likely, but I have never been away from my hometown. This was a chance to get out on my own and see if I could make it or if I liked it better somewhere else.

I do miss home and will probably return after a year away, but at least I was gone, ya know?

I don't know why I decided to tell you all that, but there it is.

[Elspode]

A couple of points...first, taking care of yourself, especially if this is your first relationship, is not a bad precedent to set. It means you are being cautious, which tends to help prevent bad things like codependency or staying in abusive relationships down the road. It sounds to me as though you have trepidation over being with the guy, but you're afraid that you'd be doing something harmful *to him* by not hanging in there.

If he had the same dedication or concern for you and your well-being, would he *be* in jail? Would you have felt the need to reach out here on The Cellar and bring up the subject? Clearly, you seek some support, so it would seem to follow that the boyfriend is causing some disharmony in your mind.

Now...as to "running away"...are we talking just striking out as a self-sufficient individual, or are you very young and finding yourself in the position of having trashed things at home over the guy, and have seen no alternative but to split? If this was your first relationship, it would be logical to assume that you are probably rather young, and so that begs the question of your current circumstances. Place to live? Job? Are you safe?

All in all, it sounds to me as though you are trying to look out for yourself, and that isn't a bad thing as long as you aren't using others badly to do that.

[bbro]

Originally Posted by Elspode

It sounds to me as though you have trepidation over being with the guy, but you're afraid that you'd be doing something harmful *to him* by not hanging in there.

That sounds pretty well it. I am experiencing trepidation, not because of who he is or anything that he has done, but because of the fact that he hasn't been working the whole time I have known him - goes back to unstability of jobs with a parental figure while growing up. I don't want to hurt him, I know how much he has been through, but I think that I am being honest with him and telling him that quite frankly, I don't know what I want right now.

Originally Posted by Elspode

If he had the same dedication or concern for you and your well-being, would he *be* in jail?

Yes, because anything that has to do with this are consequences from whatever was going on before I met him. Since we have been stable together, he has done nothing detrimental (sp?) to the situation.

Originally Posted by Elspode

Would you have felt the need to reach out here on The Cellar and bring up the subject? Clearly, you seek some support, so it would seem to follow that the boyfriend is causing some disharmony in your mind.

The other reason I seek advice here is because I do value the opinions expressed. They seemed a bit more open minded than the people I call my friends. Only one comes to mind that would not persecute at the first mention of jail.

Originally Posted by Elspode

Now...as to "running away"...are we talking just striking out as a self-sufficient individual, or are you very young and finding yourself in the position of having trashed things at home over the guy, and have seen no alternative but to split? If this was your first relationship, it would be logical to assume that you are probably rather young, and so that begs the question of your current circumstances. Place to live? Job? Are you safe?

I am kind of young - 26, so it is more striking out on my own. I have done nothing that would prevent me from going back or made me feel the need to leave other than I hadn't been away from home and me and my BF were in a not so good place at the time. Seemed like a good time to go. Little did I know that we would work everything out in the months before I left.

I do have a short-term lease, short-term job and all that stuff. I am safe and have made friends that will assure that.

Originally Posted by Elspode

All in all, it sounds to me as though you are trying to look out for yourself, and that isn't a bad thing as long as you aren't using others badly to do that.

I try to be good to everyone

You know, its funny, I could have tried to explain all this to the "important" people in my life until I was blue in the face and they wouldn't have understood as well as you did in a few short paragraphs!! Kind a creepy how well you can pinpoint everything so well

[Elspode]

Not well at all...I was thinking you were 18 or 19, and worrying that you were not using appropriate adult logic. At 26, you certainly have enough life experience behind you to be dealing with things clear-headedly, and indeed, that is the way it seemed from what you had already said. But we do worry about our own here on The Cellar. We may be only an electronic community, but a community we are, as real and valuable as any of flesh and blood.

You sound as though you have actually thought things out carefully and are behaving quite responsibly. Just don't let someone who *might* be less capable and well-adjusted than yourself make you swerve from a mature and rational path just because you have feelings for them. Sometimes, all the love in the world can't undo the damage that has been done to someone that makes them behave irresponsibly, and you going down with their ship is not a good thing.

Keep us posted, and keep yourself happy and healthy!

[BigV]

If by creepy you mean brilliant, compassionate, articulate and insightful, um, yeah.