The birds and the bees...

[Aliantha]

So the other day my oldest sons' mate was sitting on our front verandah and I wandered out to say hello and how was school. All was going well up to the point where mate said, 'I had a good day. Me and Gabby (mate's g/f) got a bit more physical today'.

Me thinks WTF??? 'What do you mean by that mate?'

Mate says, 'We kissed...on the lips'.

You could have knocked me down with a feather. Not so much that they'd kissed, which was probably very harmless, but the way he described it to me quite openly.

It was at this point that I decided it was time to have a talk with my son about the facts of life. I didn't think I'd really need to do this for another couple of years since he's only 10, but it seems the circle he's travelling in are reasonably advanced as far as intimate relationships go.

So last night, son and I sit down in his room and have a talk about sex and the purpose of it, the pitfalls and dangers etc. I've always been open with him if he's asked questions, and we've always had pets, so he's familiar with the whole concept of where babies come from etc, but I don't think he'd made the actual connection about how it all starts with a kiss and goes on from there (as far as people are concerned anyway).

Anyway, we covered everything from erections and ejaculation to how it makes you feel (which was a tough one) and then we talked about the bad things that can happen, such as unplanned pregnancy, stds and just the general stigma attached to being too free with your affections.

At the end of the talk he was looking fairly squirmy so I asked him what he was thinking. Did he feel uncomfortable talking about this stuff. He said it was 'icky'. So I asked him if the kids at school talk about sex and stuff and he said that he thinks it's icky when they do it too. I suggested to him that if it's icky to discuss it with people, he probably needs a bit more growing up before he starts thinking about going through with any of these things, cause he definitely needs to be able to discuss it with his potential liasons without feeling icky about it.

The thing that scared me the most was that he had no idea what a condom was. I'm positive that at that age I knew exactly what a condom was and what it was for (or at least what the kids at school said they were for). Anyway, now he says he'll never use the word raincoat again without thinking about condoms.

Anyway, I think it was a good talk and hopefully it's opened the door to more open communication about the subject in future.

How did you go about these types of discussions with your kids? When I was about that age, the school had a family program after hours that my parents took us to. It was good because it gave me a good understanding of how human bodies work etc, but didn't really cover any social issues.

When they are old enough to know/ask they are old enough.

[Aliantha]

Well I decided I'd like my kids to have the facts instead of the crap that gets tossed around in the school yard, although I expect there'll be repercussions if son goes to school and starts telling the other kids about our talk. I imagine some parents still try to bury their heads in the sand about these kinds of issues.

[piercehawkeye45]

You can't just wait for them to ask. I never asked my parents about it, my dad explained it to me in 4th grade before watching a movie with sex in it. If he didn't explain it to me I'm pretty sure I would have never asked (I am a very independent person and rarely ask for advice/clarification) and I'm glad he told me so I didn't have to find out later.

[Aliantha]

So 4th grade is about 9 yrs old?

I said know/ask... take your pick.

[zippyt]

My mom tried but got flustered and handed me a book and left , she didn't bring it up again , so between that book , pent house forum and a few "EXPERENCED " girls I figured it out

[monster]

There's a long way to go between kissing on the lips and sex. But knowing that kissing on the lips is different is an indicator in knowing that there's something else out there between boys and girls besides friendship.

The mechanics of babies are not news to our children -we have always had a book lying around (see the sex books thread for clarification), we have not yet had to delve very deeply into the deep and meaningful side of adult relationships, but I doubt it's far away. We get it extra tough/easy because several of our childrens's friends parents are gay couples, so we get to differentiate between the mechanics and the loving relationship bit. Plus we get to go into IVF etc. Fun!

[Aliantha]

We have some gay friends/couples that the kids know. It has definitely been helpful and I find that because of this, my boys don't buy into the whole gay stigma thing which can happen at school.

[Sundae]

Mum went through it all with my sister after watching a children's TV programme where a boy was ridiculed for saying"public hair" instead of "pubic hair". My sister was about to have formal sex education at school and I guess Mum didn't want her to feel embarrassed.

I'm a year and a half younger and resented the fact that my sister got a "special" talk and I didn't, so I got mine as well and then wished I hadn't - I thought it was "icky" too.

I would have been about 10.

Mum even got some condoms to show us because she was worried that we might see one used as a balloon or a waterbomb some time and not know what it was. It's funny looking back on it - I got my sex education because Mum was terrified of us being embarrassed....!

The sex education we had at age 11 at our (Catholic) school was pretty comprehensive from what I remember. I'm sure the idea of saving yourself for marriage was pushed, but we'd grown up with that ideal anyway. I was still 4 or 5 years from puberty so it wasn't something I needed to be told. We certainly had group conversations about things ike foreplay and contraception though.

[glatt]

I talk to my kids about science, etc. a lot. They know a lot about how the various systems of the world work. So it followed that they should know about where babies come from too. I told them when my daughter was 7 and my son was 4. I didn't make it a big long preachy thing. I just casually explained how it works when it seemed like a natural time to bring it up. I think we had been talking about growing plants or something and I asked if they knew how babies got inside moms.

They were fascinated, and not uncomfortable at all. Now that they know the basics of it all, any moral /social messages we want to give them later when they are the proper age won't be missed because they are too busy focusing on the juicy details of SEX. I think teaching kids about the world is a gradual thing. You repeat stuff. I'm sure we will revisit the sex talk in the future, but at least they will have a basic knowledge in the meantime.

My 4 year old son brought it up a day or so later at dinner. I hadn't really personalized it at all, but he's no dummy. He had obviously been thinking about it, and what the ramifications were. He made some comment about "that's when you put your penis inside mommy's vagina?"

That's when we reminded him about what was appropriate conversation inside the family vs. outside, and also what was appropriate at the dinner table.

[Aliantha]

Well I'm pleased to see that I don't seem to have gone ahead and had this discussion with my son at an age which would be inappropriate. I've been wondering how many other parents have this talk and at what age.

glatt, I agree with your observation that sex education is a gradual thing, and I think that's worked in our favour here because he already had a basic knowledge of the mechanics.

[Undertoad]

Originally Posted by glatt

I told them when my daughter was 7 and my son was 4.

My mama told me when I was 5 but I forgot all about it.

and the sad part is i still don't remember

[BigV]

My mama done tol' me
When I was in knee pants
My mama done told me, son
A woman will sweet talk
And give you the big eye
But when that sweet talk is done
A woman's a two-face
A woman's something that would leave to sing the blues in the night

Now the rain is falling
Hear the train a-calling
Doo-wee
Hear the lonesome whistle
Blowing across the trestle
Doo-wee
Doo-wee-da-doo-dee
A crickety crack go echoing back the blues in the night

Evening breeze will start
Trees to crying in the
Oh, and the moon will hide its light
When you get the blues in the night

So take my word
Or the mocking bird
Will sing a sadder kind of song
Maybe he knows things
He knows things can go wrong

From Natchez to Mobile
From Memphis to Saint Joe
Wherever the four winds blow
I've been to some big towns
Had me some big talk
But there is one thing I know
A woman's a two-face
A worrisome thing that'll leave you to sing the blues in the night

[Sheldonrs]

My Mom got me a subscription to Playboy when I was 10. That sure worked well, huh? hehehe