Oldest son reaching out

Jaydaan · 12-29-2009, 09:37 AM

So long story short, my oldest son who is now 19 has not spoken to me in 4 years. He had behaviour issues, we tried to get him help, Social Services gave him more money and more freedom than we would... so he chose to keep messing up.He had friend status on facebook, but even then rarely talked with me..... in fact nothing in the past year. Yesterday we talked on the phone!

He says he is tired of being alone, realized he was a "stupid shit" and wants to fix things. I told him is he gets here legitimately, I would help him out, and be a part of his life. He says he wants to finish grade 12, and work on getting a job he can keep. He seems sincere. My hubby says of course we will help him, but is leary as am I. I can not afford to have all my stuff stolen. BUT I am not willing to let the kid go without help. Hubby says if he is smartening up, having family around will be a good thing.

I am scared and excited at the same time. Lets see what his next move is.

Shawnee123 · 12-29-2009, 09:39 AM

Good luck, jaydaan. Stay strong!

lumberjim · 12-29-2009, 10:06 AM

let him move in, and then STEAL HIS SHIT!

xoxoxoBruce · 12-29-2009, 10:43 AM

It's common for people to reflect on where they're at, and why, during the Christmas/New Year swirl. Unhappiness with the result of all that introspection, is the cause of most "New Years resolutions".

I certainly empathize with your desire(need?) to try to help, and repair your relationship, but please be careful. Not only of your worldly possessions but your mental health. Keep in mind how many "New Years resolutions" fail before the end of January.

classicman · 12-29-2009, 11:10 AM

What Bruce said, pessimistically he may be preying upon the goodwill of the season. Hopefully he realized the errors of his ways and is genuine in his desire to right his wrongs. Perhaps a written agreement would be a good start. That way there won't be issues with forgetfulness later. Also, everyone will know what their respective responsibilities are/will be and the ramifications if they are not met - on both sides. Good Luck!

Cloud · 12-29-2009, 11:29 AM

Reaching out like that takes a great deal of courage. Or desperation. Sometimes they do grow up.

If he's a junkie or addicted, I wouldn't let him in the house until he was clean, but I'd give him assistance in that.

Jaydaan · 12-29-2009, 02:03 PM

I asked him flat out about drugs, and he said "I do a bit of pot, but thats it mom, I swear to God"

He has been alone for a while now... and his status on facebook this morning was
"I only got 2 hours of sleep outside, cause someone screwed the plans up.... and I have so much to do today"
So making him responsible to getting here on his own seems to be a good thing so far....
I am not expecting miracles, but who knows how far this can go, now that he wants help. At least I can say I did not leave him to freeze on the streets of Calgary....

TheMercenary · 12-29-2009, 02:04 PM

Would it be possible for him to move close but not actually in with you? That would sound like the best arrangement and the least risky emotionally.

skysidhe · 12-29-2009, 02:10 PM

I wish you both the best.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-29-2009, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jaydaan

At least I can say I did not leave him to freeze on the streets of Calgary....

Absolutely, you have to do this, we understand that. We're just asking you to be careful, for the sake of the family, and your head. Go Mom!

skysidhe · 12-29-2009, 02:13 PM

yeah and Calgary is cold right now..

impossible weather !

Jaydaan · 12-29-2009, 02:16 PM

We are planning to find him a shelter/bachelor place ASAP. This way he has his own space, and we all can heal without the stressors of living with a "stranger"

xoxoxoBruce · 12-29-2009, 02:27 PM

You're not only compassionate, you're smart. If it can be done, I'm sure you'll be successful, and it doesn't work, it won't be your fault.

Griff · 12-29-2009, 02:28 PM

Well thought out. Good luck.

Jaydaan · 12-29-2009, 06:04 PM

Change in plans... my hubby says no one should be on the streets regardless of the weather.... and if we are going to do this, use my card and pay for his ticket. He leaves at 11 tonight, and will be here at 7AM tomorrow. If all goes well he pays us back nothing.. if it goes south...... I am out $110

12-29-2009, 09:37 AM	#1
Jaydaan Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Vernon, BC, Canada Posts: 378	Oldest son reaching out So long story short, my oldest son who is now 19 has not spoken to me in 4 years. He had behaviour issues, we tried to get him help, Social Services gave him more money and more freedom than we would... so he chose to keep messing up.He had friend status on facebook, but even then rarely talked with me..... in fact nothing in the past year. Yesterday we talked on the phone! He says he is tired of being alone, realized he was a "stupid shit" and wants to fix things. I told him is he gets here legitimately, I would help him out, and be a part of his life. He says he wants to finish grade 12, and work on getting a job he can keep. He seems sincere. My hubby says of course we will help him, but is leary as am I. I can not afford to have all my stuff stolen. BUT I am not willing to let the kid go without help. Hubby says if he is smartening up, having family around will be a good thing. I am scared and excited at the same time. Lets see what his next move is.

12-29-2009, 09:39 AM	#2
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Good luck, jaydaan. Stay strong! __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

12-29-2009, 10:06 AM	#3
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	let him move in, and then STEAL HIS SHIT! __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

12-29-2009, 10:43 AM	#4
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	It's common for people to reflect on where they're at, and why, during the Christmas/New Year swirl. Unhappiness with the result of all that introspection, is the cause of most "New Years resolutions". I certainly empathize with your desire(need?) to try to help, and repair your relationship, but please be careful. Not only of your worldly possessions but your mental health. Keep in mind how many "New Years resolutions" fail before the end of January. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-29-2009, 11:10 AM	#5
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	What Bruce said, pessimistically he may be preying upon the goodwill of the season. Hopefully he realized the errors of his ways and is genuine in his desire to right his wrongs. Perhaps a written agreement would be a good start. That way there won't be issues with forgetfulness later. Also, everyone will know what their respective responsibilities are/will be and the ramifications if they are not met - on both sides. Good Luck! __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

12-29-2009, 11:29 AM	#6
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	Reaching out like that takes a great deal of courage. Or desperation. Sometimes they do grow up. If he's a junkie or addicted, I wouldn't let him in the house until he was clean, but I'd give him assistance in that. __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

12-29-2009, 02:03 PM	#7
Jaydaan Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Vernon, BC, Canada Posts: 378	I asked him flat out about drugs, and he said "I do a bit of pot, but thats it mom, I swear to God" He has been alone for a while now... and his status on facebook this morning was "I only got 2 hours of sleep outside, cause someone screwed the plans up.... and I have so much to do today" So making him responsible to getting here on his own seems to be a good thing so far.... I am not expecting miracles, but who knows how far this can go, now that he wants help. At least I can say I did not leave him to freeze on the streets of Calgary....

12-29-2009, 02:04 PM	#8
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Would it be possible for him to move close but not actually in with you? That would sound like the best arrangement and the least risky emotionally. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

12-29-2009, 02:10 PM	#9
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	I wish you both the best.

12-29-2009, 02:13 PM	#11
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	yeah and Calgary is cold right now.. impossible weather !

12-29-2009, 02:16 PM	#12
Jaydaan Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Vernon, BC, Canada Posts: 378	We are planning to find him a shelter/bachelor place ASAP. This way he has his own space, and we all can heal without the stressors of living with a "stranger"

12-29-2009, 02:27 PM	#13
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	You're not only compassionate, you're smart. If it can be done, I'm sure you'll be successful, and it doesn't work, it won't be your fault. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-29-2009, 02:28 PM	#14
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	Well thought out. Good luck. __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

12-29-2009, 06:04 PM	#15
Jaydaan Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Vernon, BC, Canada Posts: 378	Change in plans... my hubby says no one should be on the streets regardless of the weather.... and if we are going to do this, use my card and pay for his ticket. He leaves at 11 tonight, and will be here at 7AM tomorrow. If all goes well he pays us back nothing.. if it goes south...... I am out $110

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