My mom is gone

[infinite monkey]

I'm sorry, I don't know how else to make this announcement. As some of you know, my mom was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer earlier this year. It was over 3 months ago that we felt it was time to bring in hospice (and for her to acquiesce to such...she was so strong and independent.)

Hospice expressed, in these last few weeks, that they hadn't seen a body hang on like hers did. While this afforded us more time with her, as that time went on we began to see the mercy in her body letting go.

I was fortunate that I wasn't working: I was able to be her transportation to daily radiation treatments, and chemo treatments. It's so hard to see some fucking asshole like cancer attack such a wonderful human being. We all know there is no rhyme or reason.

My dad is doing OK. He was the epitome of the phrase 'in sickness and in health.' It was so very hard on him too, but if inner strength were the first thing they saw in each other I wouldn't be surprised.

Thanks to those who knew what was going on and offered kind words. I couldn't come on here and say much. Sometimes I wanted to but with every word I typed I felt like I was discounting the incredible loss I would soon be dealing with.

My mom was funny and beautiful and smart and kind. She believed in the concept that 'it takes a village' and not just the village that raises the child, but the village that is there for each other in life's struggles. Her village was amazing: lifelong friends, new friends, extended family, us...and it is this village that will get me through this. I'm blessed to be her daughter, to be my dad's daughter, to be the result of all that came before and made them the parents they are.

I look around and all I see are things mom gave me: trinkets I'd like, books about my favorite things, even a little picture she printed off the internet of a long ago newly found photo of Anne Sullivan and Helen Keller (personal heroes of mine.) No one else will know me like my mom did.

I thank you for listening to me. I will collect the warm thoughts, even the unsaid ones, and they will keep me aloft through the coming days.

I miss you mom.