here's my song

staceyv · 12-21-2003, 10:57 AM

i wrote this song and home-recorded it...my husband finally made me a website, please check it out and let me know what you think!
http://members.cox.net/zhena/

Undertoad · 12-21-2003, 11:23 AM

This is good work for a first demo, Stace.

I'm a very harsh judge and I've listenened to about 50 demos in the last couple months.

It has a nice lazy soulfulness, nice for this Sunday morning. The vox have an interesting post-rap inflection. They're a little lost in the mix which is a tendency in home recording. Don't hide yourself, make yourself the spotlight, that's what the listener wants.

The line "smell you" is a wince moment for me because the word "smell" is just not poetic, even in a very blunt song. I'd replace it with... "taste you"? Unless you don't want to be that blunt. "find you" would be utterly poetic as would any number of other verbs. "be you"... imagine using "taste" on the first verse and "test" on the second... or "take" on the first and "make" on the second. That'd be kinda interesting.

For a song nearly 4 minutes, I would change up the rhythm a bit more or use more dynamic range. This holds the listener's attention and broadens the song.

We have talent on board here folks! Good goin'.

staceyv · 12-21-2003, 12:01 PM

thank you undertoad! yeah, it is too long. i've been thinking i should redo it with only one bridge and basically just shorten it. my voice is probably lost in the mix because i don't like my voice. i'd actually rather have someone else sing it..and your idea of using the words "test you"- i like it. i wanted to submit some songs to publishers but i don't think the songs are ready yet. it's input like this that i need to help me fine-tune them...

Undertoad · 12-21-2003, 02:25 PM

Don't worry about your voice, it's fine!

Little imperfections make it more personal. The best producer would not fix all the imperfections but pick which ones are best for the song. There are really very few great voices out there; there's only one Whitney Houston. Very few totally pretty ones as well. Just go for it, put your heart into it, and then pick your takes carefully.

staceyv · 12-21-2003, 04:28 PM

hey, was that you hanging out at harmony central?

Undertoad · 12-21-2003, 04:46 PM

Yup, I do have a handful of posts there. I don't read the whole thing, mostly just the bass forum and music biz.

kerosene · 12-22-2003, 02:45 AM

Wow, I really like this. The dallying (sp?) guitar and your voice work well together. I agree with Toad, that your voice could be more prominent and the beat might need some change-up. I thought about recording this in a mix CD for my car...I like it a lot. The lyrics have a cut to them, too. I like the smell line, but "taste you" would really make that point, I think.

Griff · 12-22-2003, 06:11 AM

Push the vocals out front a little more and stretch it to about 40 minutes. I love it!

lumberjim · 12-27-2003, 02:01 PM

I left this song in my juke box program from when i listened to it the first time. this morning, i had the juke box playing random tracks as i worked. this song got stuck in my head.
i like the melody. the guitar is nice and subtle. needs stronger drums. cleaner mic sound, and polish, but you have something there. get the reverb off your mic and sing louder from the gut, make the guitar louder, get a real drummer to replace the machine, and trim the lyrics. emphasize the part towards the end (about 2:30 into it) when you "chant " it sounds very spiral and groovy. You could use some backing vocals where it swells. i likehow the pitch rises just before that starts. and work on the ending, it kind of just stops.
nice work for a demo, but think of it as a sketch. get toad to lay down a bass track, get someone to play rythm guitar so your (i assume) hubby can get off a little more on his lead track. and the drummer is key......you MUST have good drums for most people to "feel" it.

" i want to hmmm hmm kiss you.....ba dubba dub dubba dub..ba dub...."

xoxoxoBruce · 12-27-2003, 02:59 PM

Good start. I think you've already been given all the advice you need but I was wondering is that title really available? Seems I've heard it before but maybe I'm having a senior moment. Have to ask professor Sycamore.

elSicomoro · 12-27-2003, 03:36 PM

Which title?

lumberjim · 12-27-2003, 03:39 PM

"my love"

what was the song from ghost called?

Griff · 12-27-2003, 06:55 PM

Unchained Melody

elSicomoro · 12-27-2003, 07:30 PM

Ah...got confused there.

The song title "My Love" is used by at least 30 artists, according to Rhapsody. Among the artists: Lionel Richie, Earth Wind & Fire, Mary J. Blige, Lenny Kravitz and Cher.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-27-2003, 10:04 PM

OK, then song titles are NOT copyrighted?

12-21-2003, 10:57 AM	#1
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	here's my song i wrote this song and home-recorded it...my husband finally made me a website, please check it out and let me know what you think! http://members.cox.net/zhena/

12-27-2003, 02:01 PM	#9
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	I left this song in my juke box program from when i listened to it the first time. this morning, i had the juke box playing random tracks as i worked. this song got stuck in my head. i like the melody. the guitar is nice and subtle. needs stronger drums. cleaner mic sound, and polish, but you have something there. get the reverb off your mic and sing louder from the gut, make the guitar louder, get a real drummer to replace the machine, and trim the lyrics. emphasize the part towards the end (about 2:30 into it) when you "chant " it sounds very spiral and groovy. You could use some backing vocals where it swells. i likehow the pitch rises just before that starts. and work on the ending, it kind of just stops. nice work for a demo, but think of it as a sketch. get toad to lay down a bass track, get someone to play rythm guitar so your (i assume) hubby can get off a little more on his lead track. and the drummer is key......you MUST have good drums for most people to "feel" it. " i want to hmmm hmm kiss you.....ba dubba dub dubba dub..ba dub...." __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

12-27-2003, 03:39 PM	#12
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	"my love" what was the song from ghost called? __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

12-27-2003, 06:55 PM	#13
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	Unchained Melody __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

12-21-2003, 11:23 AM	#2
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	This is good work for a first demo, Stace. I'm a very harsh judge and I've listenened to about 50 demos in the last couple months. It has a nice lazy soulfulness, nice for this Sunday morning. The vox have an interesting post-rap inflection. They're a little lost in the mix which is a tendency in home recording. Don't hide yourself, make yourself the spotlight, that's what the listener wants. The line "smell you" is a wince moment for me because the word "smell" is just not poetic, even in a very blunt song. I'd replace it with... "taste you"? Unless you don't want to be that blunt. "find you" would be utterly poetic as would any number of other verbs. "be you"... imagine using "taste" on the first verse and "test" on the second... or "take" on the first and "make" on the second. That'd be kinda interesting. For a song nearly 4 minutes, I would change up the rhythm a bit more or use more dynamic range. This holds the listener's attention and broadens the song. We have talent on board here folks! Good goin'.

12-21-2003, 12:01 PM	#3
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	thank you undertoad! yeah, it is too long. i've been thinking i should redo it with only one bridge and basically just shorten it. my voice is probably lost in the mix because i don't like my voice. i'd actually rather have someone else sing it..and your idea of using the words "test you"- i like it. i wanted to submit some songs to publishers but i don't think the songs are ready yet. it's input like this that i need to help me fine-tune them...

12-21-2003, 02:25 PM	#4
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Don't worry about your voice, it's fine! Little imperfections make it more personal. The best producer would not fix all the imperfections but pick which ones are best for the song. There are really very few great voices out there; there's only one Whitney Houston. Very few totally pretty ones as well. Just go for it, put your heart into it, and then pick your takes carefully.

12-21-2003, 04:28 PM	#5
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	hey, was that you hanging out at harmony central?

12-21-2003, 04:46 PM	#6
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Yup, I do have a handful of posts there. I don't read the whole thing, mostly just the bass forum and music biz.

12-22-2003, 02:45 AM	#7
kerosene Touring the facilities Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The plains of Colorado Posts: 3,476	Wow, I really like this. The dallying (sp?) guitar and your voice work well together. I agree with Toad, that your voice could be more prominent and the beat might need some change-up. I thought about recording this in a mix CD for my car...I like it a lot. The lyrics have a cut to them, too. I like the smell line, but "taste you" would really make that point, I think.

12-22-2003, 06:11 AM	#8
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	Push the vocals out front a little more and stretch it to about 40 minutes. I love it!

12-27-2003, 02:59 PM	#10
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Good start. I think you've already been given all the advice you need but I was wondering is that title really available? Seems I've heard it before but maybe I'm having a senior moment. Have to ask professor Sycamore.

12-27-2003, 03:36 PM	#11
elSicomoro Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 12,486	Which title?

12-27-2003, 07:30 PM	#14
elSicomoro Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 12,486	Ah...got confused there. The song title "My Love" is used by at least 30 artists, according to Rhapsody. Among the artists: Lionel Richie, Earth Wind & Fire, Mary J. Blige, Lenny Kravitz and Cher.

12-27-2003, 10:04 PM	#15
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	OK, then song titles are NOT copyrighted?

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