Why did you have kids?

[Catwoman]

Looking for honest answers here, hoping for more than 'it just happened', as I'm trying to work out whether we just spawn offspring in a slightly misguided bid to replace ourselves (the word 'reproduce' seems to confirm this) or whether it is an inescapable part of evolution that 'decisions' have nothing to do with.

Yes I know you wouldn't change anything for the world and little Billy/Milly is the best thing that's ever 'happened to you', but why did you decide to have children?

[glatt]

I always thought I would be a dad, so it was just a forgone conclusion. I think it's hardwired into me. There was no philosophical discussion about the pros/cons of bringing offspring into the world. The only question was "are we ready yet?" Making the decision to actually do it now was a little like building up my courage to jump into cold water from a cliff on a hot summer day. I was nervous, maybe even afraid, but thought I would probably like it once I made the plunge. And I did.

We were in our early 30s when we made the decision, so we had already done the young married couple thing for several years. Had been travelling a lot. Had bought a house. Saved some money. We had seen the world, and now we were ready to settle down and be a family.

Make no mistake about it. Kids absolutely change everything. Your old life is over once the kids arrive. Some parts of that really suck. You can't just do the things you want to when you want to. You always have to be thinking about the kids. This is the part where the parent says "But it's worth it, because my kids are such a joy." I was always a little doubtful before I had kids that this was true. I figured that the parents were just trying to delude themselves. But it's true for me. The kids are great, and I'm glad that my old life is gone and I'm living this one. It's a good life, even if I was up for an hour last night at 2AM because my toddler can't pull the blankets back on him in the middle of the night and fights me when I try to do it for him.

[Clodfobble]

even if I was up for an hour last night at 2AM because my toddler can't pull the blankets back on him in the middle of the night and fights me when I try to do it for him.

Oh thank god my kid's not the only one. He hasn't slept through the night more than a day at a time in almost a year, starting at around the age of two, because he apparently decided then that having his blankets come off was a reason for terror, and can't yet get them back on himself.


But to answer your question, Catwoman... the first two (step)kids were part of the package in marrying my husband, and I decided I wanted the package. The additional kids (which so far do not exist but we're working on it )... well, like glatt, I always knew I wanted children, from a very young age. The ability to teach a child everything you know, and the reward of seeing a happy child, I think are the two things that appeal to me most about it.

Some people (especially women) get off on having something that "needs" them, and they are usually disappointed when their child eventually becomes their own person. For me, it's the whole timeline that appeals to me--I like the idea of having Christmas when I'm 70 and having all my children bring their children to the house, just as much as I like the idea of teaching a baby to walk and speak.

[SteveDallas]

Originally Posted by Catwoman

I'm trying to work out whether we just spawn offspring in a slightly misguided bid to replace ourselves (the word 'reproduce' seems to confirm this) or whether it is an inescapable part of evolution that 'decisions' have nothing to do with.

What's the difference?

I can't answer the question, except to say there are some days that are great, and some days when I'm sighing longingly over the ads for military boarding schools.

[Catwoman]

Originally Posted by SteveDallas

What's the difference?

If we are doing it to replace ourselves it is conscious and a means of extending our identity. If it is evolutionary it is instinctual and much more deeply embedded than conscious thought.

Clodfobble you are an ideal subject for this question! (Excuse the clinicism). You are on the path to having children of your own, yet you don't really know why.

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

I always knew I wanted children, from a very young age. The ability to teach a child everything you know, and the reward of seeing a happy child, I think are the two things that appeal to me most about it.

Why do you want to teach someone? What will you get from it? The happy child won't always be happy, in fact most of the time they will be unhappy, like nearly everyone else on the planet. Do you want this?

Personally, I don't think I know anything about life. So an attempt to teach a child 'everything I know' would probably result in yet another confused and malconditioned person wandering aimlessly around the planet. Why would I want to do that?

The kids coming round for xmas when you're 70 thing? I kind of feel like that too. But to breed out of loneliness can only result in despair when your child fails to fulfil your dream - which they will - because their lives are their own, not yours.

[lookout123]

we never planned on having kids. we were perfectly content DINKs (dual income no kids). not that we didn't like kids, but we had no intention of having our own. then one summer we cleaned up our act. we weren't strung out freaks or anything but we enjoyed ourselves a little more than necessary. We quit drinking and consumed no other party favors, and BAM! next thing you know, my wife has the 6 week flu. we sooo didn't believe it that we had a number of those home pregnancy tests before going to the Dr.

having that little booger is the most stressful, and most rewarding part of my life. i can't imagine what life would be like without him now.

[smoothmoniker]

I think the live of self-giving is the most abundant life a person can have, and the relationship of a parent to a child, when it is healthy and balanced, is a beautiful expression of self-giving.

I know that sounds like mumbo-jumbo new age crapandahalf, but it really is true.

[Catwoman]

What on earth is 'self-giving'?

[Clodfobble]

Why do you want to teach someone? What will you get from it? The happy child won't always be happy, in fact most of the time they will be unhappy, like nearly everyone else on the planet. Do you want this?

I get a sense of accomplishment, the same that a teacher gets from seeing their student understand something for the first time. And if I do my job right, the happy child will usually be happy. I can't really speak for "nearly everyone else on the planet," but I am not unhappy most of the time. If my child had the same temperament and happiness levels that I've had, I would consider my parenting a success.

This ties in a lot I think with your perspectives in the "Where do you draw the line?" thread. The fact that a child will sometimes be unhappy is not a reason to give up and never have them, just like the fact that a relationship will sometimes be unhappy is not a reason to leave in search of something immediately better--because being unhappy is a part of life sometimes, but when I get past it I have more self-worth than before, because I take pride in successfully overcoming odds.

And that's really what it boils down to, probably, is pride. More directly, self-esteem. You said:

Personally, I don't think I know anything about life. So an attempt to teach a child 'everything I know' would probably result in yet another confused and malconditioned person wandering aimlessly around the planet. Why would I want to do that?

I personally think I know a reasonable amount about life, and I feel I could communicate those things effectively to a child. I think your fear of parenting comes from a lack of self-esteem, and perhaps a general pessimism.

Look at your life, and find anything in which you take pride. What is it that causes you to feel pride over your accomplishment? Those things are directly applicable to the accomplishment of raising a child.

[smoothmoniker]

Originally Posted by Catwoman

What on earth is 'self-giving'?

yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to throw around a bunch of technical language.

Self-giving is the idea of giving. um .... yourself.

[cjjulie]

From the time I was 5 I new I wanted to have kids, 2. One girl and one boy. And believe it or not the day our daughter was born I knew our second was going to be a boy.

I will tell you that now as I am in my early 40s I look at our kids and wonder where the hell the time went (10, 8) and how the HELL did I get to be 40?

[undone]

I can honestly say I did not have any forethought in the kid department. I just decided one day it was time to have a kid. We had been married for a couple of years is all. I was 28 and I think that was the key. I felt like I HAD to get started. If anyone would have told me what my life was going to be like, I would have waited longer, slept more, traveled more, had more sex with my husband.
When I had my first child, I came home from the hospital totally and completely clueless. I hadn't any idea what to do. I read many books during my pregnancy, learning about the different stages of development. I hadn't however, read anything about what it was like to actually bring a baby home. I had terrible post partum depression too..which I wasn't aware of. I just thought I was hopelessly lost in a situation I could not get out of. We somehow managed through it all. She is 6 years old now. Smart and funny. A person. She has two younger sisters too. All I can say is it is rewarding but, I still do envy those without the constraints of parenthood. I fantasize about what it would be like to just take care of me. I, like the others who have posted here, would not trade it. Being a mom is a gift. You don't know the depth of love that can pass between two people until you become a parent. It isn't the same as two adults loving and depending on each other. Those little people see you as you really are day to day and love you all the more for it. It is hard as hell and I am sure it will just get harder when they all get into their teen years. When I decided to be a parent I didn't know why but I do now.

[glatt]

One thing that is really amazing about deciding to become a parent is the optimism behind that choice. You have no idea what you are going to get, but you hope for the best and go for it. When you get married, you try the person out first. Get to know them. You know much more what you are getting yourself into. With kids, you don't know what kind of kid you will have. Most are healthy. Many are not. Most are happy. Many are not. It's true, though, that parents love their kids regardless of what kind they get, and that's amazing.

[dar512]

For Mrs. Dar and I, it was something we decided we really wanted to do together. Sort of a very long joint creative arts project. It was an outgrowth of how we felt about each other.

Actually it was kind of a surprise as both of us were ambivalent about having kids when we first got married.

[Catwoman]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

I personally think I know a reasonable amount about life, and I feel I could communicate those things effectively to a child. I think your fear of parenting comes from a lack of self-esteem, and perhaps a general pessimism.

This made me PISS myself. For those who don't know, in England, pissing yourself means uncontrollable stomach vibrations, often called laughing, at something so completely ironic and ridiculous it defies comment. Phew, dear oh dear.

Clodfobble, I can assure you, if I know nothing about life, you certainly don't. You would have a child for your own sense of accomplishment. For company when you're 70. And you have never questioned the fact that you've always wanted children. Not only that, you think, despite having read my first entry in the relationships thread, you still think my comments result from pessimism! Amazing. No, I'm not pessimistic. Most of my days are spent laughing, sometimes at absurdity, sometimes because I'm in the best relationship I've ever had and sometimes because I'm content with life, whatever happens. Yes, whatever happens.

And what a huge assumption that 'I feel I could communicate those things effectively to a child'. 1) how do you know (you don't, so you're willing to risk it), 2) you cannot make someone understand something if they're incapable of understanding it, no matter how clear or patient you are, and 3) that's assuming you've got it right! Maybe you have, Clod, but you don't KNOW that, yet you're willing to go for it all the same.

Now, to hear about all these people pinging out babies with no real understanding of why is slightly concerning. Of course, I'm not actually concerned, I couldn't care less, because I know there's nothing I can do about it. No one will listen, if they do they almost certainly won't understand, and if they do... the chances of them applying it are... zero.

Originally Posted by smoothmoniker

Self-giving is the idea of giving. um .... yourself.

What on earth are you talking about. Giving yourself. How can you give yourself. You are yourself. Do you mean 'doing things for other people'. Or 'being generous'. Bloody hippies.

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

Look at your life, and find anything in which you take pride. What is it that causes you to feel pride over your accomplishment? Those things are directly applicable to the accomplishment of raising a child.

Pride? What has pride got to do with anything? Oh yes, pride in yourself, as a woman I should a) have a self-esteem problem I need to overcome and b) overcome it by having a child.

There are so many assumptions shooting around in this thread. I should have known that. My problem. When I've stopped laughing/blinking/sighing I will come back and try to explain more explicitly.