Self Defeating Behaviors

Trilby · 11-02-2005, 06:36 AM

I've a PhD in self-defeating behaviors. It's my one and only true calling in life--to screw myself up. Today, I am overdrawn by nearly 300.00 dollars, and owe a family member 170.00. I've no one and nothing to blame but myself for these things. It is painful to go through this every few months, so why do I keep doing it? I spend what I don't have! Continuously! I am so mad at myself I could just...

While I'm at it...to have a personality like mine, where you sabotage yourself at every corner, is unbelievably irritating. It's like living with two people: one is the you of 'you', or, the hapless victim, and the other is the spending, drinking, yelling, crazy, impulsive maniac who follows you around and wants to push you in front of a speeding truck. DAMMIT.

Clodfobble · 11-02-2005, 08:05 AM

I had a friend and her husband who were terrible with money. They simply could not stop spending. They finally got it under control with two strange but simple steps:

1.) They froze their credit cards in a big block of ice--so they had them in case of true emergencies, but it would take about 4 hours to thaw them and by then the immediate need to purchase that thing had passed. Cutting them up hadn't worked because they always just ordered new ones.

2.) They took all of their cash at payday and split it up into about 15 different lock boxes (the kind with a slit on the top for money to go in) according to their budget--we have this much money for gas, this much for food, etc. Then they froze the keys to the lockboxes. Only once or twice did she forget to thaw the right key when she knew, for example, that she was going to go to the grocery story that afternoon. And if she got 3/4ths of the way through the month and a particular box was empty, that was just tough. The bills were pretty static, so they never missed those again, and they figured out their main problem, which was that they were spending about 3 times as much on food as they thought they were. They lowered the amount that went into the "entertainment" lockbox accordingly, and all was well.

Even with their improved self-control, they use this method to this day. However, it obviously takes a lot of planning, not to mention countertop space for all those boxes.

Sundae · 11-02-2005, 08:24 AM

Oh dear. All too familiar I'm afraid.

I had to be helped by a charity who specialise in sorting out debts - they provided free advice, negotiated with all my creditors and provided a bill paying account which only they could access. I had a disposable income of $60 a week for 2 years (despite working 2 jobs) to get myself out of the mire.

In April this year I was finally debt free.

Guess what?

I spend all my salary in the first week I receive it & by the last week of the month I am borrowing from friends. I have no credit rating so I can't get into too much trouble, but I know if I did, I would. It was such a hard fight to get solvent that you would think I had learned my lesson - apparently not.

Ditto weight loss/ fitness & removing myself from emotionally damaging situations.

Perhaps its not self defeating, perhaps its drama addiction? (sorry, that's the most positive spin I can come up with)

mrnoodle · 11-02-2005, 09:43 AM

I am horrible with money too. And I know the depression that comes with being overdrawn and not having any way out. My parents usually bail me out, compounding the feeling of worthlessness.

What helped me was getting scared that I was going to have another DUI in July (court Nov. 10, fingers crossed). I immediately felt broke (which is what happened the first time -- I lost all my money to lawyer/court), and stopped drinking at bars. Didn't touch the stuff for more than a month, and now only have a beer or two per week. Maintaining that mentality left me with an extra $150 last month. If I don't drink this month, I'll have $300. By Christmas I'll have $450.

$150 a month may not seem like a whole lot of drinking, but considering that there was about to be $10k added to it in legal fees, it feels like I'm saving a whooooooole lot.

Spent about $50/month on weed, too. I spend that on World of Warcraft and eating out for lunch instead of packing. In a pinch, though, I could pack lunch and have another $40 or so. It never seems like a lot of money till you need it.

Pie · 11-02-2005, 11:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brianna

While I'm at it...to have a personality like mine, where you sabotage yourself at every corner, is unbelievably irritating.

I really know the feeling. While I don't have issues with money, I do have substantial issues (pun intended) with food.
I'm an engineer, I know the calorie input/output relation, I know I need less than 2000 calories a day... but I can't seem to make myself stick to it. Every time I have a snickers bar or a fast-food lunch, I'm sabotaging myself. It doesn't help that I love to cook, and feed people... Given my weight, and my family medical history, I may very well be sabotaging myself to death.
Today, I've had a medium coffee for breakfast, and a large salad with turkey and tomatoes, drizzled with balsamic for lunch. Let's see if I blow it all with a mid-afternoon snack or insane dinner.

Sundae · 11-02-2005, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pie

Given my weight, and my family medical history, I may very well be sabotaging myself to death.

Would it be too flippant to use that as a tagline? That's a great phrase (and possibly applicable to me when I'm at my nadir).

Good luck tonight btw......

Pie · 11-02-2005, 01:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

Would it be too flippant to use that as a tagline? That's a great phrase (and possibly applicable to me when I'm at my nadir).
Good luck tonight btw......

Done!

Thanks for the good wishes.

Urbane Guerrilla · 11-03-2005, 05:18 AM

Pie, is that cup of coffee a typical breakfast? No appetite at the beginning of the day?

Sounds like you'd end up yo-yo eating, starve then binge.

My wife calls me The Breakfast Bear, and marvels at my enthusiasm for eating, solidly, about sunup. She's not ready for food until maybe midmorning. It's a circadian rhythm thing AFAIK, and cued by light: on a clear dawn, I'm hungry, but it's much less strong on a cloudy morning.

Mr. Breakfast for all kinds and weights of breakfasting, so you can find the kind of breakfast that keeps you not-stupid until lunchtime.

Pie · 11-03-2005, 08:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Urbane Guerrilla

Pie, is that cup of coffee a typical breakfast? No appetite at the beginning of the day?

Yeah, I'm usually not hungry till just before noon, or even later if I sleep in. My husband can eat right after he gets up, but not me.

11-03-2005, 07:26 PM

I never could understand people who wake up all bright eyed and immediently dive into a huge breakfast. The thought of life nauseates me first thing in the morning, never mind food! After I have endured the trauma of being awake for a couple of hours or so, my appetite gradually comes back.

I am an owl with deep seated feelings of disbelief and even outrage at the lark's approach to life. People who advise one to eat first thing in the morning deserve to become squirrels in their next life - all bright eyed and bushy tailed.

If the early bird catches the worm, I'll sleep in and leave the early birds to it. Worms and a big breakfast are for the birds.

Urbane Guerrilla · 11-03-2005, 10:43 PM

Jeez Louise with aged string cheese, Mariko! We can't even agree on breakfast!

11-03-2005, 11:02 PM

I thought we semi-sort of agreed on something once, but I can't remember what it was. They had probably forgotten to give me my medication that day.

Urbane Guerrilla · 11-03-2005, 11:37 PM

As I recall, it was on the usefulness of keeping guns in case ax murderers got the urge. Remember CO lumbers you with a waiting period. You don't wanna get caught halfway through it.

11-02-2005, 06:36 AM	#1
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Self Defeating Behaviors I've a PhD in self-defeating behaviors. It's my one and only true calling in life--to screw myself up. Today, I am overdrawn by nearly 300.00 dollars, and owe a family member 170.00. I've no one and nothing to blame but myself for these things. It is painful to go through this every few months, so why do I keep doing it? I spend what I don't have! Continuously! I am so mad at myself I could just... While I'm at it...to have a personality like mine, where you sabotage yourself at every corner, is unbelievably irritating. It's like living with two people: one is the you of 'you', or, the hapless victim, and the other is the spending, drinking, yelling, crazy, impulsive maniac who follows you around and wants to push you in front of a speeding truck. DAMMIT. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum Last edited by Trilby; 11-02-2005 at 06:45 AM.

11-02-2005, 09:43 AM	#4
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	I am horrible with money too. And I know the depression that comes with being overdrawn and not having any way out. My parents usually bail me out, compounding the feeling of worthlessness. What helped me was getting scared that I was going to have another DUI in July (court Nov. 10, fingers crossed). I immediately felt broke (which is what happened the first time -- I lost all my money to lawyer/court), and stopped drinking at bars. Didn't touch the stuff for more than a month, and now only have a beer or two per week. Maintaining that mentality left me with an extra $150 last month. If I don't drink this month, I'll have $300. By Christmas I'll have $450. $150 a month may not seem like a whole lot of drinking, but considering that there was about to be $10k added to it in legal fees, it feels like I'm saving a whooooooole lot. Spent about $50/month on weed, too. I spend that on World of Warcraft and eating out for lunch instead of packing. In a pinch, though, I could pack lunch and have another $40 or so. It never seems like a lot of money till you need it. __________________ Sìn a nall na cuaranan sin. -- Cha mhór is fheairrde thu iad, tha iad coltach ri cat air a dhathadh

11-03-2005, 05:18 AM	#8
Urbane Guerrilla Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Southern California Posts: 6,674	Pie, is that cup of coffee a typical breakfast? No appetite at the beginning of the day? Sounds like you'd end up yo-yo eating, starve then binge. My wife calls me The Breakfast Bear, and marvels at my enthusiasm for eating, solidly, about sunup. She's not ready for food until maybe midmorning. It's a circadian rhythm thing AFAIK, and cued by light: on a clear dawn, I'm hungry, but it's much less strong on a cloudy morning. Mr. Breakfast for all kinds and weights of breakfasting, so you can find the kind of breakfast that keeps you not-stupid until lunchtime. __________________ Wanna stop school shootings? End Gun-Free Zones, of course.

11-03-2005, 10:43 PM	#11
Urbane Guerrilla Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Southern California Posts: 6,674	Jeez Louise with aged string cheese, Mariko! We can't even agree on breakfast! __________________ Wanna stop school shootings? End Gun-Free Zones, of course.

11-03-2005, 11:37 PM	#13
Urbane Guerrilla Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Southern California Posts: 6,674	As I recall, it was on the usefulness of keeping guns in case ax murderers got the urge. Remember CO lumbers you with a waiting period. You don't wanna get caught halfway through it. __________________ Wanna stop school shootings? End Gun-Free Zones, of course.

11-02-2005, 08:05 AM	#2
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	I had a friend and her husband who were terrible with money. They simply could not stop spending. They finally got it under control with two strange but simple steps: 1.) They froze their credit cards in a big block of ice--so they had them in case of true emergencies, but it would take about 4 hours to thaw them and by then the immediate need to purchase that thing had passed. Cutting them up hadn't worked because they always just ordered new ones. 2.) They took all of their cash at payday and split it up into about 15 different lock boxes (the kind with a slit on the top for money to go in) according to their budget--we have this much money for gas, this much for food, etc. Then they froze the keys to the lockboxes. Only once or twice did she forget to thaw the right key when she knew, for example, that she was going to go to the grocery story that afternoon. And if she got 3/4ths of the way through the month and a particular box was empty, that was just tough. The bills were pretty static, so they never missed those again, and they figured out their main problem, which was that they were spending about 3 times as much on food as they thought they were. They lowered the amount that went into the "entertainment" lockbox accordingly, and all was well. Even with their improved self-control, they use this method to this day. However, it obviously takes a lot of planning, not to mention countertop space for all those boxes.

11-02-2005, 08:24 AM	#3
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Oh dear. All too familiar I'm afraid. I had to be helped by a charity who specialise in sorting out debts - they provided free advice, negotiated with all my creditors and provided a bill paying account which only they could access. I had a disposable income of $60 a week for 2 years (despite working 2 jobs) to get myself out of the mire. In April this year I was finally debt free. Guess what? I spend all my salary in the first week I receive it & by the last week of the month I am borrowing from friends. I have no credit rating so I can't get into too much trouble, but I know if I did, I would. It was such a hard fight to get solvent that you would think I had learned my lesson - apparently not. Ditto weight loss/ fitness & removing myself from emotionally damaging situations. Perhaps its not self defeating, perhaps its drama addiction? (sorry, that's the most positive spin I can come up with)

11-03-2005, 07:26 PM	#10
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	I never could understand people who wake up all bright eyed and immediently dive into a huge breakfast. The thought of life nauseates me first thing in the morning, never mind food! After I have endured the trauma of being awake for a couple of hours or so, my appetite gradually comes back. I am an owl with deep seated feelings of disbelief and even outrage at the lark's approach to life. People who advise one to eat first thing in the morning deserve to become squirrels in their next life - all bright eyed and bushy tailed. If the early bird catches the worm, I'll sleep in and leave the early birds to it. Worms and a big breakfast are for the birds.

11-03-2005, 11:02 PM	#12
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	I thought we semi-sort of agreed on something once, but I can't remember what it was. They had probably forgotten to give me my medication that day.

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