The Shitjob Chronicles - my personal tales of working with bumfuks

[slang]

For anyone not familiar with this theme, check out <a href="http://www.cellar.org/showthread.php?s=&threadid=4084" <a> this thread to get up to speed </a>

I hope you enjoy these. They've been a hoot in real life and to write about. Most are not totally 100% factual but based on an event or something specific done or said. Many are 95% fact but none are total fiction.

There are about 50 story lines in development with 5 or so continually ready for posting, of which one will get posted every week.

Feel free to comment or ask questions but understand I dont want to release any proper names or specific procedures of the company.

[slang]

Hillbilly Nascar

There are many things about working here with all these bumfucks that are strange. Not many are stranger than their racing at lunch though. The first time I witnessed the challenge firsthand, it was sort of low key and informal. We were all in the breakroom talking before the station assignments and the usual suspects were spouting the usual nonsense. I didnt really pay attention until I heard some unique key phrases through the white noise of hillbilly banter.

QuitCherBitchin: Everyone here knows I got the fastest ride in the lot. I've never been beat.
CanMan :W-W-Well, y-y-you can prove it by racing me at l-l-lunch. W-W-We'll see whos got the f-f-fastest ride.
QuitCherBitchin: Yer on dumbass, but lets make it interesting. Let's make this worth my while. You got $20 that says your shitbox is faster?
CanMan: Yer on asshole! (hands a $20 bill to TatooHead)
QuitCherBitchin: Lunch it is. (hands a $20 bill to TatooHead)
TatooHead: Ok, now we just need to go over some rules here.....blah, blah, blah......

The CanMan is a strange but hard working guy. He's known through the plant as the "can man" because he's always collecting returnable cans and bottles. He doesnt just collect them, it's a passion with him. It seems bizarre to me that people like "can man" will put so much effort into collecting and cleaning cans for their nominal value, yet wouldnt even think about taking a tech course for some kind of certification that would increase his salary substancially. In any case, he's a pleasant guy in his forties thats been there for 5 years. He stutters a bit and I've always made a point to be patient with him because a lot of other people arent. I also make it a point to throw my cans and bottles on the conveyor that rolls toward him, so he can easily collect them. This seemingly small investment of my patience and effort has yielded a healthy return as he helps me with information that is valuable. Information like who in management is looking at what defects, and how to avoid them.

QuitCherBitchin is a thin guy around 30 with long red hair and a weathered face. He's a likeable guy although he often sees the classic worker/mangement conflict as "us and them". He ponders some interestingly deep issues and he's one of the few I would even bring up politics with. His whole life's path was apparently derailed by a failing grade at trig in highschool, which is the single reason he's not a highly paid and respected pilot today. He couldnt get into pilot's school having failed trig though he was in the ROTC program, and didnt even try to get a retest. Sounds suspicious to me but he is good at his work and pleasant to me.

TatooHead is about my age, 35. He's got the classic couch potato profile with a shaved head, a goatee, and a tatoo thats says "fuck off" on the back of his head. Very scary looking but friendly, helpful and trustworthy. He works away from the line so I dont see him much but he's often a referee of sorts because we all trust him and he's got seniority at the plant. He's another strange man I would never had even talked to because of his appearance, if it werent for this job. Guys like him kick the asses of guys like me when we wear white button down shirts.

So it seemed that everything was set. During the first break, they set up the course as someone distracted NiteSuper who would have ended the race beforehand if he knew.

Then racetime came and I hurried to my car to grab my digcam, hoping maybe to get some awesomely vivid hillybilly crash pics to post on the cellar. I powered up the flash descretely and imagined where one of these guys would crash.

They started their cars and stood briefly in the midst of each racer's fans.

slang: Hey, you know the company handbook specifically forbids drag racing ?
QuitCherBitchin: Yeah, maybe it does, but this aint drag racing, it's Nascar. We're racing down the parking lot, then turning left and racing down the side of the building. Turning left, just like Nascar! ( very proud of himself for recognizing the distinction)
slang: How on earth could I have overlooked such an obvious difference?

They both rolled up along side each other for last minute instructions, then they were off to the starting line.

CanMan: I'll be Jeff Gordon. (revs the engine) And I'll kick your ass, just like he would!
QuitCherBitchin: I got the hat dumbass! (points to his Jeff Gordon ball cap) I'm Jeff Gordon! You can be Tony Stewart.
CanMan: I dont like Tony Stewart! He finished twelfth at Watkins Glen!
QuitCherBitchin: Quit yer bitchin and get ready................Tony Stewart.

And so they drove to the makeshift starting line and before I knew what was what, they were flying towards us. The crowd was standing at the corner of the building so we could see the entire race. The finish line was a telephone pole and TatooHead was the witness. As they both tried to get the inside lane to make the turn, CanMan's truck slid way out into the field and was moving sideways through the light brush. He had missed the turn completely and I ran out towards the still moving truck, cam in hand. CanMan's truck came to a stop and I could hear him bitching. The only pic I could have taken was of him all flustered, and maybe some tire tracks proving his lack of stability in the turn.

QuitCherBitchin: Haa! Jeff Gordon always beats Tony Stewart dumbass!
CanMan: Fuck off! I'll be back at cha when I get some weight in the back of this truck! Then we'll see who's faster.
QuitCherBitchin: Dont forget another $20 bill! $20 is a lotta cans there dumbass! That's my minimum.

The re-challenge still stands. I now wish I had snapped a pic.......of my first hillbilly nascar race.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Outstanding narration, Slang. Chris Economaki (sp) is in deep shit. This is why I've always enjoyed working in the shop more than the office.

[Bitman]

Hmm, if your gonna do this weekly, you could prolly get your own forum ..

Oh, and what happened when DaySuper saw the skid marks leading from the corner of the lot?

[insoluble]

Just curioius - isn't ALL Nascar hillbilly Nascar?

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally posted by insoluble
Just curioius - isn't ALL Nascar hillbilly Nascar?

Naw, that's a myth. Actually the demographics on Nascar fans is pretty startling. It's like the badass Harley Criminal Dudes that are really lawyers and stockbrokers. Hmmm...come to think of it, they are criminals.....

[plthijinx]

Originally posted by insoluble
Just curioius - isn't ALL Nascar hillbilly Nascar?

ROFLMAO!!! i'm laughing so hard i can barely type!!! i think we call it NECKCAR! (here in houston anyway)

slang, my compliments on the neckcar story! i could picture it as you said it! (oh, and i work with a guy who fits marineguys description only this guy was in the airforce in norad as a sergeant. now, a CAD operator (was a programmer of unix and a ladder logic program that's not used today unless no upgrades have been made). i could go on but i digress. well maybe a little taste. he's actually a very good guy away from work but holy hell, at work he's an ass. example: (telling our super) "the next time these drawings come across my desk and they have there "such and such" fubared YOU need to go tell Lou (our I.T.) that there is a problem and to go and fix it. funny thing is that we work in a relaxed atmosphere. there is no reason for him to say what he says (orders and the like) when he should go and tell Lou himself. he just likes to hear himself roar i guess. not to mention that we have made a dictionary to translate all of the "big words" that he uses only he uses them wrong, or they're just completely made up.

erf!

[zippyt]

Good story Slang , i don't even want to relate how many times i have seen stuff like this . As I live in the sticks 20 miles behind the back side of no where raceing is king , dirt track , NASCAR , hell any thing with wheels is raced around here . You should hear the sounds of all the bubbas in there pickups on a sunday after a race out here , it sounds like Daytona!
I personaly don't get Nascar , drive ,turn left , drive ,turn left ,drive ,turn left . Where is the challange ??? Now I am not saying I could hang with the big boys on this , but DAMN how hard could it be ????
I always like to mess with the bubbas when they start that Nascar crap "Nascar ain't shit , you want to see some REAL raceing watch a Rally race some time , those Motherfuckers are CRASY !!!" 500hp all wheel drive mixed terrain against the clock , you don't have the excuse that Billy-Bob spun you out .
You eather win or you loose !!!!! You can drive or you can't !!!
here's a link to the WRC
http://www.wrc.com/en_GB/default.htm

[insoluble]

Fuck yeah - rally racing actually takes driving skill as opposed to a stupid oval track snoozefest.

Isn't ladder logic for PLC's?
What did NORAD do woth those? Make Vending machines?

[wolf]

Pro Rally is my favorite racing sport (although I admit to watching Indy most years). I always wanted to drive Pro Rally, but can't afford to support a car.

And strangely, not far from Slangsylvania and Grifftopia, is one of the best US Rallies. I used to go to work the race in the mid-late 80s. It was a lot of fun, and the world's greatest steak house (The Steak House) is located across the street from the Wellsboro Hotel (not the Motel, that's down the way a bit).

Susquehannock Trail Pro Rally

[plthijinx]

Originally posted by insoluble
Isn't ladder logic for PLC's?
What did NORAD do woth those? Make Vending machines?

yeah, we still use it with allen-bradley PLC's (micrologix), i still can't remember that system that he was supposed to be an expert in, even sober!

bah, norad is where he learned unix. his main function there was to watch the skies for ICBM's on radar. like i said though, great guy outside of work but at work, shheesh!

[zippyt]

insoluble said Fuck yeah - rally racing actually takes driving skill as opposed to a stupid oval track snoozefest.

Exatumundo !!!! A trained monkey could driveNASCAR .


Doesn't this look like more fun ?????

[xoxoxoBruce]

Point of order. Driving in Nascar takes a tremendous amount of skill and ability. Driving any vehicle anywhere at 200 mph is no joke. Unfortunately the cars are so fast they can't race anymore. When they could, it was fun and required a whole other bunch of skills than they use now.

I always wanted to drive Pro Rally, but can't afford to support a car.

You've got the right. My brother is a past president of the New England Region SCCA, and races an old RX7 on the paved courses. It's a middle of the pack effort in a lower class and still costs a fortune to field. The amount of money it takes to be competitive is astounding and in Pro Rally it is stratospheric. Most people couldn't afford the lights which can run up to $1,000 A pair.

[zippyt]

Bruce said Point of order. Driving in Nascar takes a tremendous amount of skill and ability.

Granted , but so does driveing fast in rush hour traffic .

Ever delt with a 40+' long 60,000+ lb multi axeled vech in down town rush hour traffic in the rain ???? It is do'able , but still no fun .

Rally raceing may be expencive ( so is nascar ) , and it may be dangerious ( ditto nascar ) , take a tremendous amount of skill and ability( ditto #2 nascar)but it just looks like more fun to me .

Not trying to cause problems here just express my opinion

[xoxoxoBruce]

It looks like fun but the way these guys do it, it's intensely (and deadly) serious business. Plus these people are conditioned athletes and still feel like they've been run through the washer and dryer then next day. Guys like John Buffum or Rod Hall will feel like NFL linebackers as they age.