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10-17-2015, 12:44 PM | #1 |
I can hear my ears
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 25,571
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Dad jokes
They don't watch the flintstones in Dubai. But Abu Dhabi do.
You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents. How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while. I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood? What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot ;-) How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints. What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about 49cents and deer nuts are just under a buck. what kind of luggage does a vulture take on a plane? Carrion. Where are average things built? In the satisfactory. A pet store had a bird contest. No perches necessary. Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester. Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "five beers please"
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This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan |
10-17-2015, 12:58 PM | #2 |
Person who doesn't update the user title
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Bottom lands of the Missoula floods
Posts: 6,402
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More peas ! |
10-17-2015, 01:20 PM | #3 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter. Did you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride. To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run. I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it's Hans free. Lone Ranger sees Tonto riding with a dustbin, "Where are you going Tonto?" "to-the-dump-to-the dump-to-the-dump-dump dump..." This bouncy castle's twice the price of last year That's inflation for you! Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the P is silent. Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief? He had loco motives Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
10-17-2015, 01:48 PM | #4 |
I can hear my ears
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 25,571
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I see you found the same twitter archive, lol...
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This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan |
10-17-2015, 03:52 PM | #5 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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No amount of sweat and toil is too much, in order to satisfy Lamplighter's desires.
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
10-17-2015, 02:08 PM | #6 | ||
We have to go back, Kate!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Yorkshire
Posts: 25,964
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Quote:
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Quote:
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10-18-2015, 03:16 PM | #7 |
The Un-Tuckian
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: South Central...KY that is
Posts: 39,517
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick. What's blue and smells like green paint? Blue paint.
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These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off. |
10-18-2015, 03:52 PM | #8 |
I can hear my ears
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 25,571
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When you tell the stick joke, follow it with :
What's brown and full of holes? Swiss Shit.
__________________
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan |
10-18-2015, 04:11 PM | #9 |
Junior Master Dwellar
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buckinghamshire UK
Posts: 4,059
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Two parrots were sitting on a perch.
One says to the other 'Can you smell fish'?
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10-18-2015, 04:19 PM | #10 |
Person who doesn't update the user title
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 13,002
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Guy gets pulled over by a cop. Cop sees the guy's backseat is full of penguins. "Sir, you can't have that you need to take those penguins to the zoo." Guy says OK.
Later on that day the same cop pulls the guy over, still with the penguins. "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo?" Guy says "I did, now I'm taking them for ice cream. " |
10-25-2015, 06:04 PM | #11 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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Don't blame Dad, he can't help it, it's a natural phenomenon that happens automatically.
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
10-29-2015, 01:17 PM | #12 |
The Un-Tuckian
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: South Central...KY that is
Posts: 39,517
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Didja hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months. What's red, and bad for your teeth? A brick.
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These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off. |
10-29-2015, 06:06 PM | #13 |
NSABFD
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: MS. usa
Posts: 3,908
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Baby born in local hospital with both arms broken
Trying to hold on till after the wedding.
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I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch. |
12-26-2015, 04:17 PM | #14 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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.
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
01-20-2016, 12:03 PM | #15 |
The Un-Tuckian
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: South Central...KY that is
Posts: 39,517
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__________________
These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off. |
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