Needing People

Perry Winkle · 01-24-2007, 05:55 PM

The men in my family are always mostly friendless (excepting a small hand-full of really close, but still at arms length, friends). I don't know where it comes from, but we have something ingrained in us that makes us think that needing people is a weakness and being warm toward people is dangerous. We can come off as cold, distant, sober, ..., (I think you get the idea).

We know that belief is bunk, but it is very effective at keeping us closed off. And when we manage to turn it off we're pretty solid people persons.

My maternal grandfather, his son (my uncle) and myself are the most extreme examples of this. We don't speak unless we have something to say, and even then we might not say anything.

It's hard for people who aren't intimately familiar with the way men in my family are to grasp this. This is fine for my grandfather he's been married to my grandmother for 50 years, and for my uncle who's on his second marriage, but for me...

Let's just say I'm not entirely happy with my relationship situation. And I think it's mostly due to this personality characteristic. It's so ingrained that I'm sure there's no way to remove the trait from myself, so I'm just looking for ways to minimize the impact it has on my day-to-day interactions.

I was going to ask for advice, but I'm not sure there's anything to be done.

I'm having the most introspective month of my entire fucking life, and it's driving me mad.

yesman065 · 01-24-2007, 06:09 PM

Well lets start with for not talking too much, you just said an awful lot. I, for one, have enjoyed reading your posts here.

lumberjim · 01-24-2007, 06:13 PM

he is having a very extroverted introspective month. if not here, then where?

i think he's trying to say that he likes clint eastwood movies

Perry Winkle · 01-25-2007, 05:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

i think he's trying to say that he likes clint eastwood movies

The only Clint Eastwood movie I like is "Million Dollar Baby." And that's mostly because the Missouri people in that movie are eerily familiar.

DucksNuts · 01-24-2007, 08:29 PM

Babysteps Grant!!!

Why dont you just say....."I'm going to smile at a different random person everyday",or "I'm going to make polite conversation with someone I dont know today".

I have the opposite problem, I'm every bodies best friend within 2 minutes of meeting them. Totally extroverted and a bit full on, which tends to make me a bit needy at times...but I am learning n changing slowly

Undertoad · 01-24-2007, 08:43 PM

I thought about meeting a lot of people and being very social, but then I remembered, I don't care for a lot of people, and being social would drive me up the fuckin' wall.

present company excepted of course, cellar people generally rock. but the general public, what a bunch of rude power-hungry assholes, fuck them.

yesman065 · 01-24-2007, 08:55 PM

I'd rather be close to a few people and know that they are true friends than be friendly with many. Thats why I'm an animal lover - The more people I meet the less I like more people.

SteveDallas · 01-24-2007, 09:24 PM

Grunt.

You got any more beer?

Thanks man.

Quote:

Originally Posted by grant

We don't speak unless we have something to say, and even then we might not say anything.

Introversion is not a disease. You must resist efforts to "cure" you.

Clodfobble · 01-24-2007, 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by grant

Let's just say I'm not entirely happy with my relationship situation. And I think it's mostly due to this personality characteristic.

Well, if you think you could manage to move to Fort Worth, Texas, I do have a shy sister-in-law who is looking for the strong, silent type. It's unfortunate that an introverted person looking to meet another introverted person is a bit like a quadriplegic on a snipe hunt.

SteveDallas · 01-24-2007, 10:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

It's unfortunate that an introverted person looking to meet another introverted person is a bit like a quadriplegic on a snipe hunt.

COOKIE!!

Perry Winkle · 01-25-2007, 05:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster

You need to move to the UK. You'll fit in perfectly.

I've looked into it and would, but in order to get a work visa you have to have a sponsoring employer there, and in order to get an employer there you have to be in country or already have a work visa. As I understand it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

Well, if you think you could manage to move to Fort Worth, Texas, I do have a shy sister-in-law who is looking for the strong, silent type. It's unfortunate that an introverted person looking to meet another introverted person is a bit like a quadriplegic on a snipe hunt.

Yeah, I could manage to "move" anywhere. And I'm looking to move. I just have this stupid responsible streak that won't let me just pack up and take off without a plan.

Also, I'm not necessarily looking for introverts, though that would probably be best. An extrovert that understands introverts would work too, but I think thats probably harder to find than a snipe.

Aliantha · 01-24-2007, 10:15 PM

I don't have a very huge circle of friends. Just a couple of close g/f's. Then there's my family which is huge. Maybe that's why I don't worry too much with other friendship type relationships. Because I don't need to.

As long as your needs are being fulfilled, you shouldn't compare yourself to what anyone else's idea of a friendship circle should be. Just make yourself happy. If you need more friends, just go get some.

Perry Winkle · 01-25-2007, 05:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aliantha

Just make yourself happy.

I'm basically happy. Sometimes, I just start to feel sorry for myself in the evenings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DucksNuts

Why dont you just say....."I'm going to smile at a different random person everyday",or "I'm going to make polite conversation with someone I dont know today".

That's a healthier approach than the one I normally use.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DucksNuts

I have the opposite problem, I'm every bodies best friend within 2 minutes of meeting them. Totally extroverted and a bit full on

Why don't I find that hard to believe?

(I don't think I've not responded to anyone. Maybe I'll have some groundbreaking thoughts at the gym.)

glatt · 01-25-2007, 09:22 AM

Great article about this that I found a few years ago.

monster · 01-24-2007, 10:44 PM

You need to move to the UK. You'll fit in perfectly.

01-24-2007, 05:55 PM	#1
Perry Winkle Esnohplad Semaj Ton Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: A little south of sanity Posts: 2,259	Needing People The men in my family are always mostly friendless (excepting a small hand-full of really close, but still at arms length, friends). I don't know where it comes from, but we have something ingrained in us that makes us think that needing people is a weakness and being warm toward people is dangerous. We can come off as cold, distant, sober, ..., (I think you get the idea). We know that belief is bunk, but it is very effective at keeping us closed off. And when we manage to turn it off we're pretty solid people persons. My maternal grandfather, his son (my uncle) and myself are the most extreme examples of this. We don't speak unless we have something to say, and even then we might not say anything. It's hard for people who aren't intimately familiar with the way men in my family are to grasp this. This is fine for my grandfather he's been married to my grandmother for 50 years, and for my uncle who's on his second marriage, but for me... Let's just say I'm not entirely happy with my relationship situation. And I think it's mostly due to this personality characteristic. It's so ingrained that I'm sure there's no way to remove the trait from myself, so I'm just looking for ways to minimize the impact it has on my day-to-day interactions. I was going to ask for advice, but I'm not sure there's anything to be done. I'm having the most introspective month of my entire fucking life, and it's driving me mad.

01-24-2007, 06:13 PM	#3
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	he is having a very extroverted introspective month. if not here, then where? i think he's trying to say that he likes clint eastwood movies __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

01-24-2007, 10:15 PM	#12
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	I don't have a very huge circle of friends. Just a couple of close g/f's. Then there's my family which is huge. Maybe that's why I don't worry too much with other friendship type relationships. Because I don't need to. As long as your needs are being fulfilled, you shouldn't compare yourself to what anyone else's idea of a friendship circle should be. Just make yourself happy. If you need more friends, just go get some. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

01-24-2007, 10:44 PM	#15
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	You need to move to the UK. You'll fit in perfectly. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

01-24-2007, 06:09 PM	#2
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Well lets start with for not talking too much, you just said an awful lot. I, for one, have enjoyed reading your posts here.

01-24-2007, 08:29 PM	#5
DucksNuts Bitchy Little Brat Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 5,067	Babysteps Grant!!! Why dont you just say....."I'm going to smile at a different random person everyday",or "I'm going to make polite conversation with someone I dont know today". I have the opposite problem, I'm every bodies best friend within 2 minutes of meeting them. Totally extroverted and a bit full on, which tends to make me a bit needy at times...but I am learning n changing slowly

01-24-2007, 08:43 PM	#6
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	I thought about meeting a lot of people and being very social, but then I remembered, I don't care for a lot of people, and being social would drive me up the fuckin' wall. present company excepted of course, cellar people generally rock. but the general public, what a bunch of rude power-hungry assholes, fuck them.

01-24-2007, 08:55 PM	#7
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	I'd rather be close to a few people and know that they are true friends than be friendly with many. Thats why I'm an animal lover - The more people I meet the less I like more people.

01-25-2007, 09:22 AM	#14
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	Great article about this that I found a few years ago.

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